Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Archives for: February 2013
Hi, How are you today? I am fine. I just love to do that. My leg has been good since last night. Knock on wood...I've tried to use the crutches more even though my main floor is small. I crawl up and down the stairs. I don't have to go to the ground level much, one a day to do the cat stuff. I started my car today, it's a champ. I will say it's been awesome to not even have to think about work. I'm not doing anything other then watching TV, drawing houses and being in my Fantasy world. Not good...I'm not interested in doing any thing else. I don't want to read, listen to pod-casts, be Spiritual, you get the picture. I'm tired. How much of this is Depression? I gone through most of the pain pills, not for the pain of course. I have two highs left. I don't feel like drinking, it's not truly my thing and being home I don't feel the need. I will at some point have a couple of shots here and there. I'm off work for awhile more. I've caught up on everything. I'm surprised. I've interviewed two cleaning co's. yesterday and will call the one that will work the best. It costs however. Funny, less in more out. I'm not sure of what my income will actually be, I'm trying to not spend much and I'm not going to stuff the envelopes. I've looked at what I just need to pay my bills and what ever is left I'll save the best I can. I have a months worth of money to buy food and I was still able to pay the saving accounts. We'll see this next week. Some phone calls to make in the week and have to work out the Doc. appointments so my Nephew can take me. I went to there house last Sunday and the kids were sick. Didn't know that till after the fact. I'm sick on top of my leg, Fun. I don't quite know what this is all about. I see that it's the brake I need and the Known is that I'll be working the full 30 yrs. unless they mess with the S.S. I've mentioned that before, won't revisit it. However, what message am I being sent with this? I don't deal with the Fear anymore, it controls me and I'm not fighting it. I won't ever be "out there", I'll be home for the rest of my life. I know that...So, what's the point? I don't know what it means and am not really looking for anything. It's my brake and am seeing that. It's nicer to know that and am able to enjoy the fact that I don't have to deal with anybody or do anything. It's me and my Fantasy. I've been doing this since I was a teenager and I've just given into it. It works like it always has and I feel lighter in way. I still know I'm sick and I don't care. I do what I have to as an adult for the most part. What else can I say? I'm comfortable for the most part and that's what it is about, Yes? Anyway....
The new house is 7500 sq. ft. How fun is that? It's fun to go big as I'm just home doing it most of the time. Sweet! It has all the fun stuff and I can see what it is and where it is and create a whole thing around it. I've also gone back to the Hottest Man. I change it as I see others that I find attractive, but nobody holds a candle to this one. He does not have hair on his chest, not unless he "manscapes" (sp.), gross, why would someone want to remove all that wonderfull-ness?. Anyway, I can just give him some hair, it's my Fantasy. His voice that I've heard, cuts through me like butter. HOT! He's just a real Man! Of course I can't give a non biased opinion. So, till the next one comes along, I've returned him. It sounds so Stupid, doesn't it? Yeah, so...All is fun in my world...sick as it is...and at least I'm aware.
As I thought I am taking the pain meds. I'm keeping count and I have 3 good Highs left after now. It Feels real nice, I'm a great Addict. The Doc. gave me so many, I was surprised. I've gone through a bunch. It's been 3 days of taking them in a row. I'm going to try to hold on the rest as I'm not working for a while. I do have to get a hold on what I'm doing in general as I don't think sitting around all the time watching TV and drawing houses is healthy. The current house has gone through 3 expansions, #41-A,B,C. It's also grown a lot. The property is a hill side lot with a "view", (I won't say because I don't say what I live by). I fit the home to take advantage of sight line. Only one bedroom is not up front and personal with said view. It was part of the "C" redesign. Huge home. I haven't added it all up yet as I'm still doing the Exercise and Sauna room with the 2 car garage attached. That would bring the total to 6 garaged spaces. It's just a neat place. Of course it would be Millions to build. It would involve spans of steel beams. Anyway, I'll need to calm down about where I live and the noisy neighbors. I know I've created a bad pattern as to how I react to it. They don't party and the fighting has stopped. I just can't calm down. Or I should say, Relax. It would be good to start to Meditate again. Look at where I am and what I would like to see. I see that the Universe has offered me a break and I see that I will be working my full 30 yrs. May 2020 is the date I'm done. I know it and see it and if I'm still alive then, then I'll have a nice income. Anyway, for today I'm High and if Feels nice and I can just relax into it. I'm not being real Negative about my situation at this point, I'm not sure what that is all about. So, I'll check in when I'm not High and I'll share where I am. Thanks
So, at the end of the day, I have a broken Tibia. How fun is that? No cast which is great as I'll be able to shower! It's not the crack type. He told me but it was lost with all the other info he gave. It will heal on it's own. I have to not be on it to much. He said a little weight is OK and helpful. I have crutches to help me get around. I can't drive or at least he says I shouldn't. Not only because it's not good for it but also if I have a wreck, it would be my fault regardless of fault as I'm driving with a broken leg. Makes sense. My sister will take me each week to get food and such. It will take about 8 to 12 weeks to heal and then I have to work up to returning to work. I'm stepping back from the what if's or worrying about how it will all work with work. Funny, he told me to sleep with the boot on. I went to bed with it on and it was off when I woke up. I took it off while I was sleeping. I find it to be uncomfortable to wear anyway, to sleep with it is worse. I'll see. What's important is that I don't feel pain. I'm working it out. I thought on the freeway coming home that if you ask the Universe for something, it might reply with something you didn't expect. I'm so burned out at work and wasn't able to see how I was going to make it through to retirement. Well, I get a chunk of time off..it's not stage 4 Cancer, but at least it's a brake. It's nice to know I can stay home for the most part. I am trying to think of what I would like to do. I do have crutches and I can take the bus(?). At least till Tuesday I'm not thinking of all that and am staying home and taking pain pills, drawing, eating and watching TV. I'll see my Nephew and his family on Sunday and I guess that will be OK. I don't know....I added up what I'll need for money to cover the bills and I should be OK with what I'll get. I'm used to just buying what ever I want at the market and I think I'll be able to do that. It's funny, it's been so long that I've had to think about that. Sorry folks, I work hard for what I earn and yes, I'm aware of that, that others are struggling. I won't be able to save and I'm concerned about that. Yeah, I know. I'm really glad I don't have to work however. I don't have a lot of the pills left and at some point I'll need to look at what I'm doing. The Universe is speaking to me I think. I have some phone calls to make next week and at some point I need to find someone to clean. I did clean the other day and I realize that it wasn't so smart. It's done and will hold me for a couple of weeks. It was just to uncomfortable for me. I'm got up on 99% of what was on my list and that part feels good. I'll need to take my snow tires off at some point, maybe I can cheat in the next month as I can drive, it's not far from here. It's all tuned and I went to dentist and got my tooth fixed. I'm good for the moment. It just feels good to be able to just space out and I'll see later...
I spoke with the claims person on Friday. He called me real early in the morning. I was surprised by that, early, and a call! He had processed my claim and had approved my MRI for tomorrow. We talked about money and future claims. He says to submit it all. It moved faster then I thought it would. I'll get 60% of my gross. As I'm a Union member I'll get the other 40% from them for 60 days, then it will go down by 10% every 60 days till it's at 10% and will stay there. I hope to be back to work way before all this happens. I'll see the Doctor on Thursday and I'm still hoping for no cast. I'll be stranded and not able to do anything. I can work some of it out, a lot I won't be able to. It's what I get for not having a good net work of people around me to help. Foolish! I need to get better and am willing to anything to get there. However, I do need to be able to shower, make food, and take care of the Cats. I did laundry yesterday, and I can tell after that I didn't help the situation much. My shin is the only thing that hurts at this point , my (I can't spell anchle, dumb me)area down there seems to be better. My calf muscle is sore and I'm not able to stretch it out well. This whole thing is a mess. The flip side of this is that it's really nice to just have nothing to do. I get to watch TV and draw houses. I don't have to go outside, although I would if I was retired and could walk for a while. But, I could just stay home. I'm so screwed up and sick in my head. It would just be easier to Die in the big scheme of things. It would be better. Anyway, I'm here....
So, as an update, Bummer, I can't walk let alone work. I saw the Doctor yesterday and he just doesn't know what it is. I will have to have a MRI next week to see. I started an L&I claim with the County. So, that means I'm not working, earning SS and Retirement Credits. Let alone money to save or my own Retirement account. I'm suppose to Rest, ice, compression, elevate. Rest is the #1 thing the Dr. wants me to do. Of course I don't mind being home and not really doing anything. I'm concerned that the Co. will have access to my Medical Records and will know what has happened and what I'm doing now. What my Dr's. have said etc. My sister and friend say that there isn't enough $ to look into people's life. There is nothing to Red Flag me and they say that they will just deal with the claim at hand. Hopefully they will just approve all I need to do. I have many thoughts about all this. I'm trying to see all the possiblites and not just see the worst that could happen. As always it's the Unknown about the situation that makes me uneasy. I just want it to be over and would be able to go back to work. It does put a different spin on how I look at my job. Maybe it's part of the wake up call for me. I'm concerned if I have to be in a cast as it's my right foot and would not be able to drive my car. I have stairs also. I don't see anyone helping me, could not have my family do things for me. To weird and they are way to busy. Total helplessness. It all just sucks and I'm trying to let the process just happen and not get in the way by making it go faster. I don't know how to say that. I tend to spin and want things to just happen. I have to see that there is a process,Game, that takes place and other people involved in paper work and such things. I've done what I can do for the moment and have to let it take the time it needs. I don't want to hassle people by trying to make it go faster. I did stop by the Dr's. office yesterday morning to check on some paper work. The long of that was that I don't process things in my head real quick and it takes a moment to catch up with the situation. One of the Women who was waiting for me to process, was not real nice and was just looking at me and finally just made some jesters with her hand and said "speak". I don't know it was just not a nice way to address someone she doesn't know. She works for my other Dr. that is in the same office. I person I needed to talk to didn't work that day. There's more things like that happened in other things I needed to do. I tell myself that I would be better off if I just "let" it all unfold and in that maybe it will make me think better and work the thoughts through faster to see the other ways for me to go with the situation. I think that makes sense? Anyway, I'm uncomfortable and am trying to not take all my pain pills just to get High. I do however am going to have Friday drinks on Friday the real day when I know that I won't have to deal with anyone. I think that it's the best way to handle that day. I can't clean and am thinking of hiring someone to do it. Weird! I'll get 60% of my pay and I think I'll be able to live on it, I won't be able to save anything however. Yeah, I know, it could be worse. I still think it would be easier to have stage 4 Cancer! Until the next posting, have a nice day....
Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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