Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Archives for: October 2012
I had the week off. Sweet. I spent one morning with my sister. Brought her rock that I don't need, part of the "lets get rid of everything". We had breakfast. I don't have to do Thanksgiving with. Actually, I don't have to do Thanksgiving period! I spent that afternoon and evening with my Nephew and his family. I fed the baby and held the baby. I played with the 3 yr. old. My nephew said stuff that I was not sure what to do with. I'm the best family member and he wants to take care of me in old age. Just to sum it up in a sentence. I don't know what to do with it. I guess I'm having to stay Alive. I can't hurt him like that. I although, still would like to have Cancer and die. We talked about my Cremation and I can finalize that. I just need to find some energy to have some movement. I don't do anything other then the one Yoga class. I stretch, but that really does not do much. I just don't feel like doing anything. I've gained a lot of weight and don't really care other then fitting in my cloths as I'm not buying new ones. I have a new cable box and got a HDMI cable. It is better. I redid my contract with the cable co. and I have a 2 yr. contract with what I've had before. It will work out good. My old man Kat has a hyper Thyroid and needs Meds. twice a day. I have to create a budget for that as I don't put Money aside to cover there medical for there old age. Here we go. I still of course would be happier if they were gone all together. oh well...He is better as he is not throwing up all the time and I've worked on him using the box for his poops. It makes me calmer and therefore makes both cats calmer. I went back to the old Meds. as the generic one isn't a good fit for me. My Dr. is helping me stay with the Lunesta, I like him. I don't really want to go back to work. But, I have some time off already in the works and will have to arrange time in January. It keeps me calmer to know I have time off in the system. I don't know if there is something that has to do with my mess up at work. I'll just wait and see...What else to say? I just have my TV and food, my Fantasy. I've worked on the current house and it turned out nice. I design nice houses! I really do just want to go now. I am just trying to be Fear free and as comfortable as I can at this point. I can have Friday drinks. I won't talk about other ways, maybe that will change in time. I did look at the retirement system to see what I could get a month now if I left early...I need to work for at least the next 5 yrs. Bummer. Well it's time for TV...
I do know that I've said that I work with the General Public. If not, I do. Bummer. I know that I "Should" understand, but, I don't. What the F&$%? I just can't find a middle ground. It's been to many years at this point. It's ruined my life because of my Thoughts about it all. I have Friday Drinks and feel a little better, although, it's not the healthy way to deal with it. I won't mention here what is going on that makes my job worse then normal because I won't say what I do. But...It's not real good... and will be this way till at least next Feb. Oh Joy. I just don't know. I just don't know how to do it. Life, People....I'll see the family on Saturday, all of them. Get it all done in one day! I have Vacation for the next week, Oh Joy. Yea, what ever, I still have to go back. I try to see the long term and what would that look like. I have no glue. I don't see it. I don't want be here and that clouds my view for the long haul. If I want to Die, then there is nothing to see. What I do see is really Screwed. It all looks good for others. Yea, I know, I'm playing the Victim roll. I just don't see... What do I do. I don't Trust. How can I plan when there is nothing I know? What I do know is really just getting by for now. Yea, Friday drinks.... Oh, boy, Life is grand, Not.....
I'm so funny. I get it to some point. Whatever is the best and serves the best...I made it through the day. I find that I tire quick without breaks in over 9 hrs. I just can't get over how I'm so lost and don't feel like it's necessary to try to make it better for myself. I know the drill, I just don't care. I won't Kill myself at this point. I understand my Nephews situation and won't mess it up for him. Wow, a 3 yr. old and a 3 month old, not to mention the 15 yr. old by the marriage. But still a lot. I won't Screw with it, I think. I just watch how I go down. I drink a lot, even for me. I eat way to much and have stopped exercising and doing the right thing with "Spiritual" stuff. I'm watching myself fall. I'm messing up at work and I'm isolated for the most part. I don't call, I don't see, I just don't. I just want to be home. I would rather have my Fantasy, for whatever that is, then what people seem to feel is "real". Please...I just don't want to be a part of what is the 21St. Century. I just don't like what and how I am with the world as it is. I don't watch the news or keep up with stuff. Yet, whenever I check it out, it's just the same. It never changes. It's all just BullS&#! What am I missing? I ask that over and over. No answers... I try to see what I've done wrong..Just my Thoughts. Well.....I remind myself to not listen to what people say...it's not true or? I think I'm done writing for now. There is so much I could write about. You know, My Fantasy is Sweet!
I just don't understand what is being said to me....
I did put paper work through on my Screw up at work today. I didn't do what I should have done under the situation. If no one does anything, then most likely there won't be any kick back. If something does come back, well....I always expect the worst and as always, I think I could lose my job which would devastate me to know end. What would push me over the edge that my Nephew won't matter and I take my own life? I feel really bad about the situation. The funny thing is that I'm on Meds. and it all feels so surreal. Did it really happen? Ah, Yeah! F*#@! I don't have to work tomorrow, and I'm having "Friday" drinks. I'm drinking to much and I'm very, very, Fat. I've gained so much weight and still going.. I try to think of some reason that I need to care and take care of myself. I don't see one, Sorry. I'm such a Fool. I don't say anything to anybody, nobody knows what goes on for me. I look for nobody to help me. I look for nobody to support or listen. I just know that if I say anything, I'll just feel worse because it won't help. No body can fix me but me and I just don't care. Is my existence(Spell check just doesn't work), No, my life is not workable. Other than making some else happy, what is there? I'm not happy and am unable to do that for myself. So, Wu Who to you! I wish to let me leave via Cancer every day, so far no luck. Gee, I wonder why, Oh yeah that would be to easy and that just doesn't fit the Universe. Well, F@%* You!!!!!
I don't read what I wrote last time, I've said that before. The old house is back on the market. I looked at the listing and they did a lot of stuff to the inside. The yard looks nice as my X did a great job of arranging the plants. He would keep it more cropped. They sold it for $50,000 less then I sold it to them. I'm told it is a Short Sale, I didn't see that on the listing. Won't be surprised. I guess it doesn't matter as I lost so much money myself. Oh well it all balances out? I'm trying not to get drunk to night. I'm at 2 shots and hope to just stop. I just am tired of trying to make it better by thinking that it gets better over all as I get older. No, I don't think so. I just chase after it and it just stays that much at of reach. So,,,It just is the way it is now and Yes, I understand how the Mind works with my thinking. It doesn't really matter. I'm tired and have no energy, I felt it go. So, I just want to be comfortable and I have no problem saying to folks that I just want to be home. I feel better alone and at home. I don't need to try. It's over. Good! I settled on that getting $75,000 from this place when ever I sell will be exceptable. I've seen what other units just like mine have sold for, not looking, and it's not what I was surprised about. Yet, it's still not enough to make retirement plans about. So, I'm just here and life is life. Yes, I think it sucks and would like to be dying from Cancer now. But, here I am. I've taken care of a lot of things and feel better. The cable and stuff is locked in for the next 2 yrs. and have made up my mind about my Cremation and will just tell my Nephew my plans are and how I'll take care of Me/Him. He'll just have to live with it...
Ya know, I've been down this path over and over again, I just know that I'm not doing it right. I don't talk to people, never have, don't know how to deal with people. Why do I try to do something I've struggled with all my life? Yes, God (yeah right) keeps putting me in the same place so I can learn? Please. I'm done, God doesn't see that and we are in conflict. Push all you want..........
Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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