Archives for: October 2011, 17

10/17/11

Permalink 08:39:15 am, Categories: General, 1182 words

The cat is helping me type. She has done this before and it didn't work out real well. But, she's cute anyway. I like her the best of the two. The boy is a pain and necrotic like me and should be on Kitty Prozac. I should be too. I have to redo my cable package this morning and I'm nervous as I won't be able to get a good package and will have to pay a whole lot more. I've decided that I'll pay the amount as I don't do anything else and the TV is my existence and I like the internet and phone part. I guess we'll see how it goes. I still have to call about the install on the dishwasher, I still need to have them come back out and deal with those screws. I've spoken of this already. I'm feeling that I'm not thinking long term with my isolating and being alone. There is also the reality of my leaving work early. It will be a nice thought, but, I don't think I'll have enough money. I would of been better off if I would of rented and not bought anything. Oh well, I've talked about that too. Three years and I can sell it and keep what ever money I can get out of it. But, it would be better to stay here while I'm working as I can save a bunch more money. I'm hoping that I can redo the cable, it will help me as I won't have to research the dish stuff, they would have to run the cable from the upstairs window. Tacky. Then I'd have check into mobile phones as it would be dumb to pay for two phones and I wouldn't need a land line. Then there is the internet access. I'm all set up with wireless. It would just be easier to leave things as they are. I get stressed about this stuff. I don't see past it and that I don't have to go back to work for another week. I do have stuff to do although. I guess that it will be good to have somethings that get me out of the house, it will be harder to go back if I've been home bound the whole time. I try to be aware that I'm dreaming to much. I just want to write about it, I just feel stupid about that, but again, it's not that anybody knows who I am. It makes me Depressed that it's not true and I'm Scared of life and hide from it and myself. It's failing if you give up and stop trying. That seems to be how I see it. I'm a failure that I've given up and am not trying and live in some dream. Again I feel rotten about it. I think I said that I feed a envelope each week to pay for this actor to play the role for me. One way I save is putting money in different envelopes usually $2.00 a week depending on the topic of the envelope. I save almost $80.00 a week doing this. I have all the money divided up so I don't see it as a lump sum. I did however add it all up last week and there is a little over $100,000.00. It's not enough to retire on and that doesn't included the money that goes into my retirement fund through work. I'll also have my pension. It just isn't going to be enough. In my dream I can retire and have enough money to not have to worry about anything. Of course that won't happen. It would be so nice to be taken care of, to do fun things with somebody, which could happen if I made a life for myself. The farther I get from life the harder it would be to get one. It's like free falling down a bottomless pit without a parachute. I've dug the whole real deep this time and there is not ledge to hold on to or to catch me from going down. I would like to write about him and the little scenarios I have come up with. Sometimes in them I feel really alive and other times I play out the dramas. There is always that period of getting to know somebody and I play the "we just met" part. That way I can use the house more. Or the wedding party, not really "my" idea but it's fun to play that out. It's interesting how to create a whole person. I'm being silly and I still know that I can write anything I want here and it doesn't really matter. Although because I really don't like myself it's hard to create somebody that would really Love me. I don't feel I have any value and it makes me feel Foolish about having this warped out Fantasy. See, it really doesn't work for the most part. I'm rambling as I have at least 1 and 1/2 hours before I can call the cable people. I get stressed and it feels better to just blab and type. I've modified the house a little bit, tweak here and tweak there. It's pretty cool, it's the most fun. I'll get tired of this one and will create something else at some point. But for now it's the best thing running and I'm good at it. I do think there are a couple of things I do well. There is life after calling the cable people as I don't have to go anywhere or do anything. I do have to deal with the dishwasher and it's been not fun for my holiday. I guess I just feel that I don't have enough value to have it done right. That if it was a high end install they wouldn't have done it so tackiness. I feel as if I'm wrong and I've done something bad. I get mad at myself and that's why I have to call and get them to come back out even if they don't fix it right. I called last week and they didn't call back. I don't like getting blown off and it just causes me more stress. I didn't research the dishwasher or shop around and this is the punishment for not doing that. I still think everything is a hassle, there always has to be something. I think I've let my thoughts run rampant here so far this morning. I will say that I still like this made up man and have not used the same guy this long. He doesn't have hair on his chest and that's not my regular MO. I like a hairy body. But, he is just Hot. I haven't seen anything I've liked to this point. There is just something about him from the first time I saw him on the TV. I'll just take it the way it's packaged. I did try to add hair, but it's just not the same as He really is a real person in the world. I'm silly...

Their My Thoughts, I Made Them

Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.

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