Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Archives for: May 2011
I had my mouth done the other day. It went well and have to wait 4 months before I can get the crown part that will have 2 teeth. I'll look normal again. It's been a long process. Expensive too. I got a lot of pain pills and have been taking them just for fun as I don't need them for pain. I love getting high of them and it's a real treat that I don't get to often. Some things never change. A druggie is always a druggie. It's been nice to be home and able to be in my own world. I have to go back to work tomorrow, yuk. If my Fantasy world was real I'd not have to. I still am not comfortable telling the Head Doc. about my Fantasy world even if it's not really bad. It's quite normal and I've had the same house and man for awhile now. Usually I change men and houses. But this time The house is perfect and so is the man! He is so attractive and HOT! He's from a TV program, i won't mention it. I know it's all in my head and isn't true. The house is really good, I did a good job designing it. I know, it's not real life and I'm cheating myself out of the possibility that I could have a healthy relationship and have fun in life. It helps to me on Meds. as the Depression is lower. I guess I don't feel much, although I didn't feel much before except Anger, Depression, and it's associated feelings. Is it better to be a little numb? I just want my Fantasy to be partly real and I don't have to be rich or anything else. I just want somebody to be with and do things with that we both like. will it ever happen? It won't if I just sit around and dream.
I saw the Head Doc. yesterday and we talked about maybe the Fantasy world I go to (a lot) is my unconscious trying to tell me something that I'm not hearing. I spend so much time "there" that I think it's affecting the "real" life. I'm just wanting to be alone and in my own place. I get real comfort from being there and it's so much better then what my life really is. I see that it serves a purpose and fills the voids in my life and what I really want my life to be. I know that it won't be like it is in Fantasy, but that doesn't mean that something like it could be come real. I'm afraid to talk about it to the Doc. and I won't know if it is something that needs to be worked through until I say something about it to him. I feel that I'll lose it and won't have any thing to have that's comfortable. Maybe that's the point, I'll have to on with life and brake through the Fear. It all comes that book Inner Work about Dreams and how they mean that the unconscious is trying to tell you something. It's also about Active imagination. I think that maybe my Fantasy world is more then just passive Fantasy and that it's possible that it's something more. I'm just Scared about it all and am thinking how to deliver it to him without maybe saying to much detail. It will be hard. I have to go to my family's today and I would rather stay home and get the cleaning done and just have my space and let myself have the Fantasy. I get my second phase of my implant done tomorrow. I have good pain pills and I hope that the pain is not a lot so I can take them just to get high. I just don't want to listen to it. Maybe that's what I have to do at this point is listen and see what it has to say. I don't know. I have a couple of weeks to think about it.
I'm not sure there's much to say today. The Med. doctor adjusted my Med. and I'll see him next month to see what has changed. We were working on getting rid of the constant hunger with the Zyprexa. My Aunt is in the hospital with kidney stones, she's 97 and I worry that any procedure will cause more then less. I just can't handle another trip to see her, especially if she passes. It's to soon with my cousin's death to have to deal with another. But, my cousins say that she'll be fine. They are all going about there business this week, I guess that's a good sign. I've been in my head with the Fantasy stuff and I think that it's to much. I look at myself and see a couch spud that doesn't really engage with life and I see other people doing and being and I'm not doing anything. I have let go of my focus. I know what needs to be done I just don't feel like it and can't seem to get it back. I heard from the IRS about my taxes being wrong and have found somebody to redo them so as not to have to pay tons of money. I'm not as stressed about it at this point. I just think that the Depression is just at the surface and being kept there with the Meds. I know that I'm Depressed about life and most of the time feel that life is hopeless. I don't have the energy to do what needs to be done. I have to do some things about "safety" in case something happens. I just can't drum it up to get the stuff done. I just don't feel like doing it. I know that I just need to make a list and get these things done one by one. I just feel like being home and not doing anything. I have a busy couple of weeks ahead and I think that it will help. I have the second step in the teeth implant going on next week and will have some days off on the sick time. Then I have to help my sister move. I do have a symphony concert coming up in a couple of weeks and I look forward to that. I guess that's all for today. I see how my mind jumps around from one thought to another and should practice the practices to keep in focus.
I guess I haven't written in awhile. Time has gone by and I've been in my Fantasy world most of the time. It give me some peace and my mind tends to go there when not otherwise engaged with something else. I spend most of my work day there and that's not safe. My mind has become undisciplined as the rest of me. I've started to ride my bike to work some days. Well, two at this point. I have gained a lot of weight and feel really uncomfortable as my pants are tight on me. And I keep eating. I wonder how much it has to do with the Meds? My Depression is down due to the Meds. I have to assume that's why. But, I have a I don't care aspect the I'm not happy with. I just want to be married and live in the desert. I want to buy a house and rent it out till I can move there full time. I think I've said this before. But, the truth is I don't have that much money and would be or might be house poor. I have a down payment and could cover some costs, but it would tight. I wonder how I would meet people? I'm not good with groups yet I see that that's not true either as I see that I might be different then I've assumed. I feel like I'm changing and the Head Doc. feels I have to. I think it's slow yet I'm not moving tomorrow. I just want to be in the desert and will travel there yearly. I also found that all my cousins are coming in August to visit. To much for me! I'll need a day or two to recover for that, and I don't have them yet and will have to wait to get them off and I might not be able to. I have to get going on the cleaning and maybe I'll be able to write some more as I have not been feeling like it or spending the time to do it. I guess I'm not moaning and groaning at this point. I have tickets to the symphony, one this month and one next month. I'm excited. I'm going by myself and taking the bus part way. I'm glad I'm doing it and most likely would not have done this a while back. It's just expensive and am not budgeted to spend the money. I want it more then not so I'll just pay and go. I'm off to clean so I can not do anything!
Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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