Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Archives for: January 2011
So, about this Blog thing. I don't understand why people use Facebook or those other Blog things. They put themselves out there with everything about them and who and what they are, there life's and all sorts of things. I think it's weird. Yet I do the same thing here except that I don't say who I am or where I am. I'm honest but edit what I say so as to keep my Identity secret and private. So, what's the difference between me and everybody else that do this? I don't think it's right to judge others when I do the same thing.
It helps to write this and I know that I bitch a lot and say the same thing over and over. I do report some other things. And, I say things here I don't tell others and that nobody else knows because it's safe here as no body knows me here. I leave to see my cousin in a couple of days and I'm worried that I won't have anything to say to him. I'm glad to see him anyway as I worry it will be the last time. It will be busy and lots of people as other family will go and be there also. It will be fast though. I will have a couple days off around it so it will be relaxed for me to transition. I need time to adjust. I have tomorrow off and only need to work on day this week.
My ears are a disaster and I don't seem to do what I need to do, like stop the caffeine and sugar. Or eat more fruit and veggies. I'm having problems adjusting to this Apt. living as I have to listen to the people next door. It drives me crazy. What a mistake this was... I've already said all this. I hope to get used to it and maybe they will move, although others could be worse and I should be happy with what I already know. I guess that's all for this day....
We have only 1 week left before we go visit my cousin. I have some extra days off around that time and I'm glad of that. My new work starts that weekend and I'll have different days off. I hope it works out. I have been practicing talking to my voice of the 12 year old in my head. It has helped a little as I'm not beating myself up as much and when I do I can see that's the voice. Maybe there will be some difference long term. I still have a problem with where I live. The people next door a loud with the banging and sometimes verbal. I don't feel it's all there fault as this place is a dump and all the sounds travel. I have a hard time letting myself off the hook for buying this place and all the money I lost in the process. I just still feel trapped here. The Depression is still at bay because of the Meds. My ears are really loud and I wonder if it's partly because of the Meds. I know that my diet is bad, to much caffeine and sugar. But I've said this before. Will I cut back and change my ways. I did ride my bike 3 days this week and plan on the 3 days I work next week. I've been going to the fantasy place a lot and it makes me feel comfortable. I know that it's not real. It has been less now that I've quieted down the in voice. I don't know how they are connected. Well off to work...
He sat next to me on the plane. He was gorgeous, there was chemistry going on. We said Hi and chatted about the full plane and lack of overhead space. I didn't know what to say. I thought of saying something to get a conversation going, you know why are you traveling and where are you going. That sort of thing. My mind was a blank. It was electric to be next to him. Our arms touch as we both put our arms on the are rest between us. That was the ticket as we both said excuse me at the same time. "Hi, how are you." He had a wonderful smile and I think he felt the same spark as I did. No wedding ring! That's a good sign. We spoke of our travel plans and why we were going. He was on the larger side but over weight with brown eyes and light brown hair. Do you think he had hair on his chest? That just added to the intrigue of the situation. As we spoke, he had such a sense of humor and kept me laughing about all sorts of things. I liked him as he was easy to talk too. At some point in the conversation he mentioned that he thought I was attractive and wondered if the felt the electricity as he did. I couldn't breath. I stuttered that yes, and that I thought he was attractive. Mind was racing, could this really be? We started talking about more personal things, relationships and old partners, dating any one. It was fitting together like a picture puzzle. Boy, was he funny. We joked that we could be not who we said we were, maybe some kind of stalker or worse. We showed each other our ID and just laughed about the whole thing. We also joked of being together as a couple and would that be something. This doesn't happen in real life or does it happen this fast even if it was happening. He said after we had spoken for most of the flight that we would be together and we would work on things as they came up. Weird, I thought he was insane to be taking like this. I kinda liked it and if it went slow, why not? We did live in different towns and would have to communicate by phone and e-mail till we could see each other again. As the flight was coming to an end he reached for my hand and squeezed it as he said, "Can I kiss you?" I was stunned, but he had such a soft and searching look in his eyes. I felt that the world didn't exist except for the two of us. I said that that would be nice as long as my family wasn't watching as they were sitting on the other side of the row away from us. I though I'd have to answer to many questions and how insane the situation was. He reached in and softly and lightly kissed me on the lips. I was in heaven as it wonderful to feel that energy between us. We agreed to speak every night at leas to say 'Goodnight' to one another. What a flight. I told my family that we had talked on the flight down as he walked out with us to the baggage claim area. As we were leaving we gave each other the knowing look and I new he was right that we would always be together and would work all the issues out in some way.
Was it true? Only in my fantasies. These things don't really happen, do they? Maybe to someone else....
I saw the Head Doc. yesterday and we worked on getting in touch with the 12 year old. It was good work. I didn't realize that the one voice that hates me and wants me to die is a pissed of kid. I've hurt him by the way I've lived my life and shut him down and haven't listened to him all these years. Now that I know the voice I can talk to him and tell him how sorry I am and that I love him and think he's a great kid and so on. It's odd to do this as a 55 year old who's push him down I'm not sure I know how to do it right. I'm winging it and have decided to do it when I get into bed at night. I'm told that it will get easier as I do it and the 12 year old will calm down and I'll do better. The Fear is large around all this. Yet there was something reliving about this process. The voice and knowing who it is, I'm not as pissed off and feel calmer. I haven't beat myself up since this happened and my mind seems to be quieter. I've been going to my fantasy place for the past week and I think that it's the 12 year old who goes there to get his nurturing and Love. I haven't felt the need to go there since all this happened. Maybe finally I'll be able to understand myself and like my self a little better as a whole. I don't have a big expectation about this and will just flow with how it turns out. He his really pissed of and feels better that I'm listening to him.
I'm tired and feel like just sleeping in at some point to catch up. I have my Yoga class on Tuesday nights now but have to work on Wednesdays. It's hard as I just can't come home and go to sleep. I'm not sure if it will work out long term. I will have different days off starting the weekend that I'm going to see my cousin. I'm worried about how the work will be as there is a lot of over time built in and it will make for a long day with riding my bike part of the time. I still plan on keeping my Sunday as a day to just stay home and chill. Yet I don't know how I'll change with the Head process. Hopefully the Depression will be lessened with the process also. I'm not sure how the Meds. are affecting my ears and continue to take them as the Doc. wants. I'm not sure if I should play with them. I hope he'll hear my concerns when I see him. I've decided to get a massage as I think it would help because I'm so tense and nothing it working to relax me. Maybe I want to live and it's the 12 year old that feels the need to have me killed. I said that already. I guess that's all for today.
I have a partial day to day and I was able to sleep in a little. I did some shopping so as I won't have to do it on Thursday. I'm working out so I don't have to do anything on Thursday afternoon and on Friday. I'm so in pattern. I'm also gaining weight as I'm not exercising as much as I have to to maintain the food I'm eating. I'm not doing much to manage it. I just think that when the weather gets better I'll be back on my bike more then I am now. I did ride the past two days and it felt good to do that. I have read about self compassion and I don't see how to cultivate it for myself. How do I brake it down into little bits. I don't view my self in that fashion and how do you like yourself? I think that I want to live and have a life and I get real Scared and freeze up. And then the thoughts start and I can't keep up with them. There to fast. The Fear takes hold and I have to hide. Do I want to have a life and live? How do I change the thoughts about it and that I would rather die. I won't have a life if I stay home behind the TV all my free time. I don't do anything that I can talk to people about and that leaves me with nothing to say. My world is very small and I created it. The Depression is once again suppressed with the Meds. I seem not to have any moods at all. I have a "I don't care" attitude about stuff, my life and health and how I take care of myself. I don't shower but every few days, except for when I exercise. I not that bad about it, I just see that I don't everyday and what's the big deal. I keep the house clean and cloths washed. The car however is a mess from the weather and I'll clean it in Spring. The trip to see my cousin is all set up and although it is a hassle and I don't really want to go as I have to be on and come up with something to talk about and say to folks, I feel it's the right thing to do in case he dies or goes farther down hill before April. What else to say. My ears are just awful and I'm not doing anything to make it better. Like not eating so much sugar or drinking so much coffee. How will I know if it's the drugs or my diet? I'm sure that it has to do with the coffee and the stress that I'm under. I am not happy where I live and the stress from that is also having an effect too. It's such a dump and I still can't forgive myself for buying it and I'm stuck here. I've bitched enough for today as I say the same thing over and over anyway. Sorry.
Why does most everything have to be a hassle? We have to jump through hoops to get a cheaper deductible for our ins. and this is for 2012. I don't think it's working quite right and have to deal with it today. Oh well. then there's the something else, I don't remember at the moment, it could be that I worry about everything. I got everything done so I don't have to do anything today, just lay on the lazy-boy and watch movies and taped programs. I love it. I can go away in my head and not have to do. It's what's happen through the years as I've gone farther inside. The Depression is suppressed because of the Meds. I feel numb at this point, I won't complain about it as I feel better over all. My ears are pretty bad and don't think that they will get better. I'm not sure if it's my really bad diet or the Meds. themselves. It all feels hopeless and I know that I won't have a life and I just want to die still. I'm pretending that something will change and really am not doing much to change. The Head Doc. feels that I'm making progress. How that shows up with my life and how I see things will yet to be seen. I'm not sure what to say. I don't want to just go on and on with what I've said before, it's a broken record. The Meds. don't let me get to far down as I can't end my life on my own. I just think if I wasn't on Meds. I'd do something in time. I guess that's all for now, I have to take the trash out still. I'm going to ride my bike to work at least Saturday and Sunday as it will be warm out. I've gained so much weight with not getting enough exercise not being on bike the past two weeks.
Just a quick note as I'm having to go to work soon. I have to play the insurance game for my deductible for 2012. It's a pain in the butt and they made it not as easy to do. But it saves me money.
My sister and nephew are going to visit my cousin. I wanted it to be small but it's not, how can it be when your traveling. I have a couple of days off before we go and a couple of days when we get back from work.
The Meds. are keeping me from getting to Depressed and I'm more level. I think it effects my ears, but I can't be sure as my eating as gone down the hill as the time frame with the new Meds. goes along.
We've looked at my12 year old at the Head Doc. session. We'll see how that progresses. That's all I have time for I'll be back....
Well it's the new year and not much is different, that it would be! My ears are pretty bad and I hope that I get used to it. I'm not taking care of myself. Although I'm moving for weight control. I'm not riding my bike because of weather being to cold. It's not like it was at the other place as I'm 5 miles farther from work. A big mistake, one more thing I did wrong by picking this place. The list is long.
We're going to visit our cousin and that's all set up. I changed my days off and that will go in effect in the beginning of Feb. It means that I'll have to be more social as I won't have to work on Sundays. I have lots of over time and with Yoga on Tuesday nights. I'll be real tired by the time my weekend comes. I won't want to see people. Stupid. The Depression is controlled by the Meds. I just don't feel anything but frustration and anger. To much caffeine and sugar. I just don't seem to care enough to make the changes. I guess when the Med. Doc. stops giving me Lunesta I'll then have to make the changes so I can sleep. Which has always been a problem anyway. That's it for now...
Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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