Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Archives for: 2011
I'm pretty sure that the computer has a virus. It doesn't load fast when it starts up and I'm sure it will get worse. I have next week off and will have to deal with it. The dishwasher is fixed it was just clopped drain. $60 later of course. I have to work today and go to the dentist for a cleaning. The dentist that will finish my mouth will cost me $1723.00. That's just my part. I'm feeling pretty bad about this Fantasy thing. I guess I just feel bad about my whole life. he has one and I don't. How silly. He's done so much acting, has kids, a wife, a life. I'm such a Fool. I am fading pretty quick. I just want to be at home and in my own world. The Meds. work well. I just can't see ahead. I don't know how to see the future, plan for it. Make goals. I guess I really do, I'm just to Scared and where does the Depression fit in? The Meds. are suppose to help? I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I have to get ready for work and the day. I just don't want to, it was hard to get out of bed.
It just seems that I'm to have things to deal with even when I don't want anything. The dishwasher is spilling water out the air thing on top of the sink. The plumber is going to come here in a little while and will cost a bunch of money. I think the computer has a virus when it downloaded the firefox update. I'm not sure yet. It seems to be working fine now but would not open my e-mail the first time around. I'll wait and see what it does. The cable went out for most of the day yesterday. I did however hook up the VCR/DVD player and wow, it works! I watched a movie and other things I had not seen in awhile. I really need to be with someone. I know it won't happen as I won't do anything to create that situation. It's been a not fun weekend and hopefully it will be a easy week at work and I do have a bunch of time off after the new year and I have nothing planned. I do have to see my Nephew and his family at some point. I just want nothing. I don't want to deal with anything and I don't want to own anything anymore either. I have to just wait and see how things work out. I just know that it would be cheaper in the long run to just stay here as it won't cost so much a month. It's just stuff like the plumbing that I hate. It would just be great to call the landlord and say fix it. I'm hoping that it is the plumbing being clogged instead of the installation of the dishwasher going south. As I would have to call them and have them come out. And be out the money that it will cost to just have the plumber come out. I drank on my Friday and am worried a little if I did something. I seem to have slept and did so on the kitchen floor. I don't think I did anything as no one has called to see what's going on. I don't care that I fell asleep and didn't feel to good. Anyway enough of this. I'm not saying anything anyway.
Had a scare with computer when I signed on. It gave me a weird cisco connect sign in that I've not heard of before. Long story short and a couple of phone calls later, I signed it off and turned it back on again and that stopped that and have been able to get on the internet. But, is this a sign to come? I just keep thinking not one more thing and yet it's always going to be something. My cousin who I don't see is passing and I don't want to deal with it. Having to call and lie about not going to the funeral and all that stuff. I don't have the time off and can't afford it will have to work. I just feel bad as I went to my other cousins funeral earlier and yet I was seeing him at least once a year and talking to him on the phone here and there. I just don't need it. I also am not going to Christmas at my nephew's. I told them I wasn't doing it. I don't like the Christmas stuff as I've mentioned here before. I did explain to my sister a little and she said she understood and won't do anything for me. Finally. I thought about it yesterday and why should I just except it from other in the "spirit of things" as it makes them feel good. What about the person who is getting it, don't they have a say about it and if asked what they would like? I'll write more about this, I have to go to work. I'm glad that the computer is working, although I don't know if this means something is going on!
I've decided that it's a good thing to be on Meds. as I would take my own life. I feel even worse that I don't have a life and just would rather sit around and watch TV and be in my Fantasy. I hate this time of year with everyone running and being rude and for what? Would Jesus want this? Some guy flipped me off even though I saw him and turned into the middle road way. He had a Jesus sticker on his car. He honked and understand why, but to roll the window and stick his arm out and do that was, I don't know. Why it's the Holiday time of the year, lets rejoice and be rude. Then we can be with our families and open gifts and eat and pretend that we are loving, caring human beings in the world. Oh yeah, and go to church and praise Jesus' Birthday. Please. The whole thing makes me sick. But I will acknowledge that there are wonderful people in the world that are really doing something about the awfulness and poverty that some people have to live with and making a deference. I loss sight of that as I don't see it in my world. I did help with peoples energy bills this year, not that it makes a difference and I also know that I choose to sit around not doing anything when there are lots of volunteer work I could be doing to lend a hand! Of course this knowledge tends to make me hate myself more as I'm to scared to do anything about it and I the Fool. People have there life's and I would rather be alone. I won't see my family as I don't like this crap and don't buy presents nor do I want any. I tell them this but it's something they like to do and it's for them more then it is for me. I hate it anyway. It's a waste. My sister will make me something to eat, I don't even do that. I just go to the store and buy some food for everybody and call it a day. But, I will do it after the fact because I'm staying home. I get to get drunk on my Friday which is Xmas eve this year, works great. I don't have to see or talk to anybody this year at all and won't have to deal with anybody till I go back to work on my Monday, Love it! Sad I guess. I don't know what to do about where I live. I made a horrid mistake and am not sure what would be the right move at this point. I have 3 yrs. till I can sell it and keep the money tax free, not there is much of it anyway. But, what would I do? If I rent then it's the same situation with noise and I pay more money then I do now. Or, I made my bed and I have to lie in it and just buck it up and understand that if I want to retire early I have to be able to live cheaply. In that I would have to stay here as it's cheap. In many ways! Yet, I don't want the responsibility that comes from owning and this complex is such a dump that if I could sell it great. I worry that it will all fall apart and won't be worth anything. So, I have time to wait and see I guess. I'm saving as much as I can and it's OK that the HOA fee went up as it will help keep this place in good shape. I'm just not liking much about my life and would be horribly Depressed if I wasn't on drugs, really! It just takes a lot to get out of bed at this point and I'm filled with all sorts of Dread about most everything. I realized this morning when I got the mail that I hate it and am Scared of it as it would have something I would have to deal with, Stupid. I'm just getting worse as time goes on and now I'm drinking on my Friday every week and I've had thoughts about it not that I'll stop doing it. Not good. I'm missing something. I ask two things, one, that the new baby is born healthy and is born, and that I die here real soon as I don't know how much more I can take. I'll take the baby if I have choice, but after that I'm not really wanting to be here at this point....
I'm having a hard time with work as there is so much overtime and the hours are a strain for me. I pick my work in January 17th. and will change my days off back to Thursday and Friday if I can't get a better schedule for Spring. It's been hard to work it all out. I haven't been able to ride my bike or get some good movement other then walking a couple times of week. And as much as I'm lazy and would rather not do it, I know that it helps me. I'm just wanting to be alone and am finding that I'd rather drink. So far it's just one day of my weekend, yet I know that it could grow. I just want to have a different experience and it allows me to breath as I'm seeing I don't breath. Yes, I know about Yoga and Eastern ways of life and about breath and Meditation and such. I'm am just done with all that for now. I do understand however and it's a choice at this point. I have a hard time with the life I choose and spend to much time in my Fantasy as I've written here at length. The good news is that my Nephew and Niece are having a baby and I'm just excited about this new life. I am glad about there 2 yr. old, but this baby is special. I'm not sure how to put it into words. I just feel it's very important that this baby, Boy is my guess, be born at this time. I've prayed, sorta, that I would give my life for this baby. Of course I'd give my life for many reasons, but for sure this little bundle. I'm tired...I want sex...well at least some skin to skin contact...I'm not able to do it. I won't go on like I do.
I find myself in a rough place as always. I feel pretty bad about my situation as always. I don't get some things that people do. I guess we all have our stuff. I'm settled in with the Meds. We found what is going to work for now. He filled out a whole years worth of meds. The only thing is that he sent to much Serequel in as I only take 1/2 a pill and there very expensive. I'll have enough to get me through next year. He his going to give me Lunesta for on going, yeah baby! I feel relived about that. I was worried that the Doc. would not want me to be on sleep meds. It's been a number of years now. I'm not taking very good care of myself and have put on weight and am not eating well. I find that I don't really care as I'm the only one that will see it. I'll have my teeth done next month and can put that behind me. I have to get through March with moving my friend down to Mexico and my trip to LA. to visit family. I am cutting myself off from them as I did something when they came up last summer when I had to much to drink and blacked out. I know some but not all and am really feeling like a fool about it and I don't tend to let go of this kind of stuff. I've really cut myself off from everybody and have isolated myself off. I'm still feeling stupid about my fantasy man and am just letting it go as I just have to have it to survive at this point in my life. I had this when I was younger and smoking pot all the time. I guess it works. I need to deal with the smoke alarms and then I don't have to think about this dump for a while. I have decided to sell it when my 5 yrs. are up and cut my loses even if it means I pay more every month to rent then I do now with no mortgage. I don't want the responsibility of owning. It won't sell and will sit on the market but at least it will be for sale. I'm saving as much as I can and paying everything with cash and really watching what I buy. It makes feel better to know that I'm saving money. I don't see past after the 3 yr. time period as I only have it planned to then. It's really what I do wrong that I don't see long term and don't see a future. I thought about my hopelessness that set in when I was 13 and that my whole life has come from that place. So, maybe that's Depression or maybe it's just that, I don't see any hope. How do you change that? There is never been any hope. I died then. Now I just need to physically die to finally finish this.
Well we're at the end of November and at Thanksgiving. I realized that I have isolated myself from everyone. I have not interest in seeing "Family" or being social anymore. I'm going late and leaving early and will make small talk. I just would rather be home and in my own world. I'm starting to drink more. Cocktails I call them. I don't do it all the time but look forward to have a couple on my Friday night. That means I'm doing it every week at this point. I won't say anything to the Med. Doc. or to anybody else either, of course. The medication leaves me with no energy and a I don't care attitude which I've mentioned here before. My weight is up to over 170 and that's fat for me. I barely get in to my pants and I just don't really care anymore. I'm not going to be with anybody and I don't see any reason to do it for myself. I am pretty much gone at this point and it's funny to see how fast it happened and that I don't see my future, just that I don't want to be out in the world today. The energy out there is to much for me to handle and work just drains everything away, I'm left devastated and exhausted. I don't see my making it to retirement and don't see much to the future. What do I want? I don't want to work anymore. Or at least doing what I do now. But, it would be stupid to give up what I have on many levels except for my mental health and well being. I see what I've done and how could it be worse the choices I make at this point. So, I see the next 3 yrs. and don't see beyond it. Whatever choices I make then won't be towards any long time seeing ahead. I don't how to explain it. I don't see what my future is. I don't want to live so I come from that place and I don't see myself needing anybody as I don't see myself being sick. I just see myself dieing. I tell myself that I don't have to stay alive and am seeing it as a possibility again and look for the opportunity to make it happen again. I don't care about my "family" as they will carry on regardless if I'm here or not. I'm starting to feel that just being here for them is crazy as I don't really want to be around them anyway. Look at how I'm playing the day out. Go late leave early. What's the point. I don't want to talk. I'm just not seeing that it's working just to be around because they will be hurt it I leave. Who's life is it anyway? Not there's. So, I'll see how it goes. I won't be here long if I come off the Meds. I know that for sure as they keep me here. But, I guess that if I didn't really care I would have come off them and offed myself by now. I don't know anymore. I just don't see a future or plans or goals that make any sense. I just hate. My job, house, me, the cats we're all just a bunch of fools. Well I'm the fool. Again I've said all this here for the past few years now and I understand it all just don't feel it and I'm tired....
I did see the med. Doc. and we're trying sreoquel to offset the Lymictal. It's been 5 days and it really knocks me out. I've slept in the past 2 mornings. It could be that I'm just so tired and it allows me to catch up. We'll see as I go back to work tomorrow and have to get up in the morning. I worry that it will numb me out in the sexual way. So far it's not been to bad, but I can tell. It's not something I'd be happy about as it gives me the only pleasure I get out of life. I'm really in need of some physical contact and am considering some when my teeth are done in January. I go to that web sight and I would not have a problem finding sex. It just seems like something I'm not cut out for. It's just after so long it's something that I would like and it's a part of me that I've not explored a lot. I've never really had good sex and it would be nice. As I'm not planning on looking for a relationship it would seem that just doing it with people I don't know and going home would be fine. Not having that kind of contact for the rest of my life would be a bummer. I just need something. Enough of that. I always try to not write that kind of thing here, but it's just so strong it's needs to come out. I feel really weird about the actor I use in my fantasy. It would most likely have been better not to know about him in real life. But, I wanted to see pictures and know. I feel bad he has a life and I don't I guess. Or that lots of people have life's and I don't. I'll just find men to mess with and that will make it OK. I'm not saying what I really mean and don't know how to word it. I've said it over and over here and I don't have a way to convey. I could just write about things in my head like stories and such. Maybe next week.
I see the Med. Doc. this morning and I hope that we can try a different drug to offset the Lamictal instead of the Zyprexa. I just need to be medicated. I go back to work tomorrow and it will be a short week. There is going to be game night at my Nephew's, it's my Great Nephew's b'day and then there is his soccer game on Sunday. It will be a family weekend. I don't have to clean and will have Monday all to myself. I keep throwing around the idea of just meeting someone and having sex. It would be just that and nothing more. I keep putting it off because of my teeth. It will be done in January and I'll look better. but, I'm not doing anything to meet someone, it's the online place. I'm thinking that I've put myself in position before and I always have seen it as a mistake. I don't know what to do. I really could use some touch. To have someone touch my body. It's been so long. but, the Fear most likely will get in the way and I won't do anything about it. I got my car fixed and now I have brake lights and other lights working again. I also started the generator and put my snows on. I get to just hang out after my appointment today and I can dream. It seems like the proper thing to do in my life situation at this point. Have a nice day...
I'm sitting in the quiet of the morning. It's usually quiet in the Apt. in the morning. I don't have the TV on so I can take advantage of the quiet. I've taken care of some stuff, ins. for next year and balanced the money market account. Recorded some other stuff. I made a list of what I needed to get done today. I've gotten most of it done. I need to wait till things open. There is lots of cleaning that I could be doing, I just don't feel like it. I have an extra two days off work and I went and did what I needed to do to have another four day weekend next month. I feel good about that as I have something to look forward to. Other then cleaning and getting the car clean and ready for winter, I've done a bunch of stuff. My nephew gave me some pain killers that he isn't using and I took a bunch yesterday and will take a bunch today and still have enough left for a couple of highs down the road. I don't want to take to much to soon as I will not get as high if there is a lot in my system. I also added orange juice to the tequila and that went a lot better. I also added some B complex to the mix and some alieve also. I wasn't so hung over and the high was nicer. It's a bad habit to get into yet I think it's OK on my Friday a couple three times a month. I don't really care and it's a nice brake. I'm just having a hard time with work and seeing the family. But, it's suppose to be the healthy thing to do. I of course spend a bunch of time in my Fantasy world and would like to add something different to the play. I'm wondering what I can do. I seem to be with the same stories, there OK, but it would be kinda of nice to have some different plays. I still like the house and of course my male companion as for some reason really like him. I will keep track of what he'll be acting, staring in so I can watch him. I did mention that I'm pretty sure he shaves his chest! Anyway, I've talked about that already. I see the Med. Doc. on Wednesday morning and will talk to him about the Zyprexa, maybe he'll have some other Med. I can try instead. I'm just so hungry with the Zyprexa and I've gained a lot of weight so far. I feel fat and look it. I don't feel like exercising even though I walk 2 days a week. I won't this week as I'm not working. I'm just lazy. It's not enough to ward off the gain though as I'm eating like a pig. I just have a I don't care attitude about it. I'm not sure what else to say. I don't talk to folks about much. I haven't spoken to my cousins hardly as I know I screwed up with the getting drunk when they were here. I just mess things up. I still feel foolish and just won't let go of it. It's different because I think it is and will be because I will make it that way, I think that makes sense? I'm creating the difference. I just don't have anything to say and I know that they will not talk to me about stuff either. It's easier to just lie and pretend. I thought I was tired of pretending yet it's the best way to deal with life and it's quite OK to lie. I am comfortable with it now. Nobody has to know anything and it's always fine. Everything is good. It works for me. I don't think there was anything else I needed to vent. I'm going to stick to my goal and am watching what I spend. I would like to help my nephew out but I would rather not work then give them money. I need to save as much as I can. Anyway, till I write again, Simonhenry signing off............
I went on line this morning and fixed the situation with that guy at that mens sight. I wrote him and told him I was not going to do anything about contacting him. Of course he didn't respond, I didn't think so. I also just played around looking at some attractive men in other parts of the country. I'm sick. A couple checked me out but nobody did anything. I'm sick. Anyway, my actor guy who's in my Fantasy has pictures on line, he is an actor after all, and low and behold, come to find out that he shaves his chest! He is Hot without hair, but with hair on his chest! OH MY GOD! I'm sick. I've never been like this about anyone that I've used in my Fantasies before. The combination of the roles that he plays, and the rug-idly good looks, and now hair. I'm sick. His voice! I'm sick. His bio! He's such a man! I know it's harder for me to know so much about who he is as a person and about his present life. But, I have my envelope labeled with his name and that he performs for me, at $2.00 a week I pay him to be my Fantasy man and it is suppose to make me feel better. I've written all this here before, yet it's real hard for me when I feel bad that he has a life and does lots of things and has interests and likes and of course he's married with kids. I'm just a sick puppy who cowers at home living in some weird Fantasy world that serves no purpose that is healthy. I guess it does serve a purpose as it allows me to have something and somewhere where I can go and make it my own. I Hate myself so much for this that I've done to myself. I've just given up on purpose and now I won't be able to come back, I lost all the forward motion and movement. I'm just so tired of fighting it, I can't fight anymore. It seems that the harder I try to get a head, I just get farther behind. I remember when I was young my thoughts about how my future would look and I saw myself as I am now, alone with no life. It's always been like this. I had my Fantasy back then too. It was different but the message was the same as it is now. I'm just glad to be medicated. I don't know how to think far ahead and when it gets here, it's wrong. My great niece knows me and I'm glad of that. She comes to me and gives me hugs and I can play with her. I was concerned that she wouldn't know me. It is why I changed my days off so I could see her and have that connection. My great nephew is another story, he's 14 and I am tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me and that he doesn't like me. I just put out there with him, I go to his games when I can and I say Hi and Bye and I just don't know what else to talk about with him. But, he knows who I am and that's all I guess I can do. I just don't know what to say. So, I do the Family thing and but up with my sister's energy that I find to be draining. I try to limit my time and I know that I buck it up and do what I have to and then I can come home. I have to deal with a retirement thing from another job in what feels like another life time. I didn't know I had a retirement account with them and they sent me the check the other day. I need to find out how to get it to my retirement account I have through work. I hate this stuff. It's not alot of money at all but every penny helps at this point. Anyway, I'll come back next week because this helps me even if I'm the only one who sees it....
I read what I wrote last post, or at least some of it. I don't write real well. It's choppy and it sounds like how my mind works. Sad. That guy I wrote about chatting on that Men's sight. He left me his phone number and told me to call to chat and maybe set something up. I think I'm being wrong about this. I'm not even sure that I think he's attractive, it was just a picture of his face. I guess he's OK. I know better then to judge a person by a picture. My gut says to let it go. Send him a E-mail that I'm just going to take a rain check. Yet, I don't want to do that, or at least part of me doesn't. Mostly I think that I've bitten off more then I can chew. I now it won't go anywhere. I don't want sex with this guy, nor do I want to think I want something more. I don't want to be friends or anything else for that matter. What to do? I most likely will just let it go and send him a note tomorrow. Why to I get myself into these situations? I know that I need to not do this stuff. I just get myself into trouble and feel bad. If I don't want to feel bad I need to stop doing things. I'm having a harder time with my Fantasy world. I'm so far into it that I have to remind myself a lot that it's not true. I won't make it to long at this rate. I feel trapped and don't have a way out. The options that I come up with around my house and retirement are being not good. It is to much for me to handle. The best choice is not choice. Leave it as it is. I've started with a bottle of tequila. I bought a good one and had 4 shots last night. I can have some on my Fridays. Not a good habit to get into to. What else do I do. Work is just to much with the overtime. I feel that I'm just working my whole week with the weird hours. I just feel that I'm not going forward in a way that will get me out of this work and home situation. The more I do the farther it seems to get out of reach. The Meds. keep me here and able to flow with what I have to do. It also keeps the Depression down. I'd commit suicide if I wasn't on them at this point. Let's pretend, lie and do whatever I have to to get by. That's why I don't want to call this guy. Just more pretending and well I can't let him see what and who I really am. So, why put myself in that position. I really would like to have sex and just don't know how to make that happen. How do these men do it. I just don't know what they talk about when they come online and chat as they do. I don't get it. I also don't put myself out there. I just look at the ones that look hot to me and that's pretty much it. What am I saying. Bottom line is I'm not doing anything, I don't understand how it works and I just seem to rather live in my own world where I know what is happening and it is what I want and am with who I want to be with. It's just weird and unhealthy and just Sad. The Fear is just so large at this point and I've given into it 100%. I'm a little hung over and don't like this part of the drinking. It's a bad habit to get into. I'll see how it works out next week. The bottle is in the house. It's not like beer that I buy just what I'm going to drink. But beer has carbs and I'm fat enough as it is. The tequila does not. Well, I'll go shopping now and put gas in the car. I have my great nephew's soccer game to go to and would of course rather be home. Pretend and buck it up...
I have been playing on one of the meet men sights. I chatted with someone for bit which I don't usually do. Somewhere in our chat, he left and I had to go. So, I didn't sleep well and signed on to just look. It's fun to look at men around the country. And he left me an E-mail about getting together for coffee. What have I done? I will tell him about my teeth. I think its a mistake, but, should I have said no? I'm not really into doing this. Just maybe it won't happen. Why do I do this? I guess that I'm lonely and like the attention. But, I have nothing to offer in conversation and really don't retain things I read. I'm most likely making this a mountain out of a mole hill. It was nice to chat. I don't know, I just feel stupid about it all and I get to many thoughts about it and I'm not in a good head space about the whole thing. I should know better. Well at least if I do this it won't go anywhere that I don't want to go. I guess I really want to make contact I guess. I tell myself that I don't but I do. I just don't have anything to offer, or at least that's my thought. I didn't sleep well, to much coffee yesterday. It's my last day before I return back to work. My nephew gave me some of his pain pills and I get to get high later today before I eat. I'm looking forward to that nice feeling. It doesn't happen that often and I was able to get enough for a couple of times. Cool. I also have good cake to eat. I understand I have to go back to work, I guess it will be OK. I feel bad that I'll have to work longer as I heard that they are raising the retirement age to 65. Of course it's one of those things that I believe everything I hear and I don't know for sure. I have the next three years planned and I will see then. I'm keeping the car and will live here and save as much money as I can in the meantime. I'll look at it then. I feel better that I have the goal of retirement. I've been thinking how I could do it not collecting SS till later and living off my savings for awhile. If I stay living here it would easier as I don't have rent. Well it doesn't matter for the next three years. Its been kinda fun to write. I only wrote one thing from my Fantasy and It's weird to do it even though I know nobody reads any of this.
So, I'm down to the wire. I have a social day and then I just have tomorrow and I have to go back to work. I don't want to and it will be a lot. The good thing is that I won't be eating during my work week and will hopefully I'll take the weight off that I've gained while not working or that I'll gain on my days off. I will force myself to walk 2 or 3 days a week and it will just be what it is. I am worried about the Meds. and will play with the Zyprexa and see how it works or if the sugar is responsible for the not sleeping when I tried to go off. I think that is the Lamictal that cause it without the Zyprexa. I'll try the sugar first as I won't be able to eat as much as my body will need and see if I sleep. If I don't then it should get better as I withdrawal from it. Sugar addiction is really something and on thing is the sleeplessness. If I sleep with no sugar and I'm still taking the Zyprexa, i think it will be because of the Zyprexa. I think that made sense? I feel better a little knowing that I can move in 3 years and will stay the track. I have to replace the rear tale light enclosure as it has been leaking for years and the brake light socket is corroded and won't work. It will cost $250.00 and I have the money to pay for it. But, it will mean that I need to keep the car. I have looked at the next 3 yrs. and will be able to hold out. I will keep the car and live in this dump and save as much money as I can. I will think before I spend. The raise I am getting next month will cover the cable increase. I don't think I'll be able to save any part of it. I won't take a increase in my weekly budget. I seem to not spend some of it and have putting it aside to pay for other things that I would have used my borrowed money account. It feels good to know that I have the goal of retiring early and have thought about what if they raise the age to collect SS. I will still retire, that's why it's important to save as much as I can. I would look for another maybe doing something that I would like. I don't know, all I know is that I don't want to stay at my job, it's killing me. I'll get 3 yrs. out of the condo without doing much more to it. I'll get 3 yrs. out of the car. I can save money of the next 3 yrs. After that I'll see where I am. I would have to pay rent after I sell this place and I'll need a new car. Then I'll only have 3 yrs. left that I have to work. I just will need to find a way to save while paying rent as it will cost more then what I pay out every month now. I'm still trying to figure out the loss of money in the checking account. I was down to $500.00 last week. I don't know. I just need to get through the Winters and the family social stuff. What else can I say. I try to stay in my Fantasy as much as I can. I have not read anything and I'm behind in my Mag. I don't have any interest in reading them. I just sit behind the TV and eat and dream. I've said this before and won't anymore today. I won't be able to write as much as I have the past couple of weeks. But, I repeat myself anyway. Enough for now....
It had our been our first time and we were laying close enjoying the touch of our bodies together. He had turned on the steam room and we were waiting for it to heat up. We spoke of what we liked. He is such a butch stud type, yet he was tired of always being the top. He talked about that it was partly his fault that he was caught in that cycle because he just didn't say anything when he was with his X partner, who passed away by the way. Although he would do any thing I wanted him to do, we talked of me dominating him and telling him how it would be, HOT. I would be happy to do this for him. He is such a sensitive and warming person. Allowing himself to push through his stereotype of what a man should be. The steam room was ready and we went in. It has a built in seats and we put towels down for comfort. It felt just wonderful to have the wonderful wet heat penetrate my body and melt me. I love the intense heat and would love to live in the desert, I Love the dry heat also. Anyway, we just talked about all sorts of things, you know, how people who are getting closer talk. It had been our first time in person since we had met on the plane. We had skyped everyday, but it's different not being in person. He's just gorgeous and looks better in real time! Time went by and I knew I couldn't wait to do what I wanted to do as he is such a stud. I guess I mean that in a different way that he is a man. Although he is studly. We had been in the steam for awhile and we were pretty much done. Our body's were covered with sweat. "Lets shower and have food", he said. I said "wait I want to do something, I just can't wait. You don't have to do anything if your not comfortable with it. But, I need to do this." He told me to go for it. I told him to stand, just to stand there. He looks wonderful standing there. I started with his head just barely touching him as I ran my hands over it. "Do you feel the energy that you have? It's not testosterone, It's a power." I move my hands down his arms and around to the insides and back up. He's wet and I barley touch him. This is not about sex and we are not erect. I get near his chest. "The power of 'man' pure 'man'." His power takes my breath away and I have trouble catching my breath. I'm just a inch or so from his body with mine and can feel the electricity. He's thin yet defined with powerful arms and chest. His body is smooth and I am lightly touching him. "It's the power of strength, the power of being able to cause pain". We know that we are not into giving or taking pain. "The roughness, sharp ends. You could make anybody do anything, I would do anything for you." I'm approaching his hips and thighs, his powerful legs. I move around behind him and run my hands from his back to his legs. "I would do anything for you" I told him. "I want you to make me yours, mark me, force me to be yours." I'm most way down his body and are at his legs and feet. I'm down on my knees at this point. I say, "Mark what is yours, make me your slave, I'll do anything for you, take the position men take and urinate on me." He doesn't hesitate which surprises me and I feel his liquid splash on my chest and lower body. It feels wonderful and I know that I will be his forever. He moves around me and gets my back. Then he steps in front of me and covers my head with his manhood. When he is done he lowers himself to me and takes my head in a gentle but rough way and looks in my eyes and I see that I'm his. I've been marked! I say his name softly, he lowers me to the floor of the shower and kisses me deep. We shower then and wash each other in quiet peace, gently and with care. It's all about what a "real men" is, not what we think of a "real man" is. I can't explain it. It's mostly mine. It is the most erotic thing I've dreamed of and of course I don't write it as it happened in my head and I'm not a writer that can deliver it as it played out in my Fantasy. Or express my feelings about it. I (safely) want to be with that roughness and power, that biker type. There is something about that type of man. He has that roughness and power. I would do anything he wanted. By the way, he has a wonderful low pitched voice and when he whispers in my ear with that voice, I melt and would do anything he asked. I have heard his voice as he is on the TV, wonderful! Powerful and rich, manly. So, I kinda wrote it out. It's not about sex and it doesn't end that way. He thinks that it's great to be so trusting in the situation and that he would never use that experience as a tool to control me or hurt me. He also thought that it was very intimate and was impressed at how I could expose myself so fully. Well kids that's it, I had to do that. I'm never Depressed when I'm with him, if only it was real....
So, being on holiday I can do this in the morning as the computer is on and I can further update the house and fine tune it. I can look at pictures of my man on line and do the "man" thing. I like to look at the men from other parts of the country. So, I'm not being productive on any level just messing around. I have some family I have to help and will be spending like 4 hrs. with one that I've not spent time like that alone before. He has known me since I was 12. It will be different. I still have a few days left that I don't have to work and some, well a lot of that time I can be alone at home. I might rent another movie. I'm stressed and Depressed about the place I live as I'm habitually on guard about the noise and I don't know what is "normal" in this complex as to what other people put up with or tolerate from there neighbors. I'm bouncing around here as I'm all over the place with my thoughts. I'm still concerned about my checking account being short by $1,000. I don't know where it went and I've been monitoring it to make sure I'm the only one accessing it. I'm am and things are clearing and working right. I keep all the "accounts" in it on the computer and maybe it's just gotten to big and complicated to manage. But, I know I enter everything correctly. I can adjust a couple of pockets and make it balance. I will do some of the shopping I need to do this morning before I have to go to family, this will mean less I have to do later. i have Yoga class tomorrow morning, I switched from Tuesday night. I will do a little shopping and will be ready to go back to work next Tuesday. I haven't exercised for awhile and don't care as when I go back to work I'll get back to the walking and not being able to eat as much. I also have to play with the Meds. as I don't know if it was sugar withdrawal or the stopping the Zyprexa that caused me to not sleep. I'm just not doing much here other then writing what my thoughts are. I would love to write my Fantasy and I know I could. I have in the past written about some experiences but not my Fantasy. Maybe one day. I think it would be fun. I guess I'm done for the day. I'm just rambling on...
I'm just being weird today. I had the dishwasher issue taken care of and I realize that it was just me dealing with my issues by not following through and it was something I had to do regardless of the outcome. I don't think it turned out quite the way I wanted. It needs to be filed down but the screw ends are gone. It's a real DYI job and again, it would be like this if it was a high end install. But, I called and did what I did to let it go. I just feel that I have to face the Fear around the situation and have to say something, which I did. I can let go of it. I also called the cable co. and that will only go up $15.00 a month and that is within what is realistic. I keep the package I have and will see in the next year as it will go up to the regular price. But, for this next year it's done. So, I've taken of most all things. I looked on line for the smoke alarm and they don't make the model I have and have a replacement model, I'm just not sure that it will fit the fixture that is in the ceiling now. So, I've stopped dealing with it as I don't know what to do. I did look it up online and that is the first step. I will continue to do more. It just becomes a can of worms that I'm not able to deal with. I learn that they only last 10 yrs. and that's about how old they are. I would hate to have to replace all of them that are in this place. There are 5 of them. I'm just done with it for now. I have had enough stress with this vacation and I plan on just letting it all be. Of course I'm in my head. I'm very detached from what would be my life, well I guess it is my life. I know that it's mostly habitual thinking which leads to the Fear. I guess I step through what I "have to" to get by with life. Yet I don't or am not able or willing to step through and let people in. I keep myself alone and am not able to get through that Fear. I have myself on one of those Gay men sights. I don't know why I guess I just like to think maybe? Anyway, i found this place from my friend who does those, these things. I don't actively do anything as I don't do sex like that. But, I wonder how people do that social thing. It would be so nice to just connect to have sex. But, there is a social aspect that I don't have. They must talk to each other on some level. It seems like it's to hard to do that. I also don't have my front teeth done and won't till January so I wouldn't think of doing anything anyway. What would I do? I do miss that kind of physical contact as it's been years. Just to have someone touch my body even if it was not sexual. I thought of having a message just because I know I could use one, but also it's contact. Sad. Anyway, I'm done with this for today. I would love to write about my Fantasy, it would be a release of some sort I think. Or maybe it would make it seem real or just because I would love to write as I think it would be fun to write. I feel that if I write it then everybody would know. But, nobody knows me here or even reads this and it's a safe place to write. Maybe some time....
The cat is helping me type. She has done this before and it didn't work out real well. But, she's cute anyway. I like her the best of the two. The boy is a pain and necrotic like me and should be on Kitty Prozac. I should be too. I have to redo my cable package this morning and I'm nervous as I won't be able to get a good package and will have to pay a whole lot more. I've decided that I'll pay the amount as I don't do anything else and the TV is my existence and I like the internet and phone part. I guess we'll see how it goes. I still have to call about the install on the dishwasher, I still need to have them come back out and deal with those screws. I've spoken of this already. I'm feeling that I'm not thinking long term with my isolating and being alone. There is also the reality of my leaving work early. It will be a nice thought, but, I don't think I'll have enough money. I would of been better off if I would of rented and not bought anything. Oh well, I've talked about that too. Three years and I can sell it and keep what ever money I can get out of it. But, it would be better to stay here while I'm working as I can save a bunch more money. I'm hoping that I can redo the cable, it will help me as I won't have to research the dish stuff, they would have to run the cable from the upstairs window. Tacky. Then I'd have check into mobile phones as it would be dumb to pay for two phones and I wouldn't need a land line. Then there is the internet access. I'm all set up with wireless. It would just be easier to leave things as they are. I get stressed about this stuff. I don't see past it and that I don't have to go back to work for another week. I do have stuff to do although. I guess that it will be good to have somethings that get me out of the house, it will be harder to go back if I've been home bound the whole time. I try to be aware that I'm dreaming to much. I just want to write about it, I just feel stupid about that, but again, it's not that anybody knows who I am. It makes me Depressed that it's not true and I'm Scared of life and hide from it and myself. It's failing if you give up and stop trying. That seems to be how I see it. I'm a failure that I've given up and am not trying and live in some dream. Again I feel rotten about it. I think I said that I feed a envelope each week to pay for this actor to play the role for me. One way I save is putting money in different envelopes usually $2.00 a week depending on the topic of the envelope. I save almost $80.00 a week doing this. I have all the money divided up so I don't see it as a lump sum. I did however add it all up last week and there is a little over $100,000.00. It's not enough to retire on and that doesn't included the money that goes into my retirement fund through work. I'll also have my pension. It just isn't going to be enough. In my dream I can retire and have enough money to not have to worry about anything. Of course that won't happen. It would be so nice to be taken care of, to do fun things with somebody, which could happen if I made a life for myself. The farther I get from life the harder it would be to get one. It's like free falling down a bottomless pit without a parachute. I've dug the whole real deep this time and there is not ledge to hold on to or to catch me from going down. I would like to write about him and the little scenarios I have come up with. Sometimes in them I feel really alive and other times I play out the dramas. There is always that period of getting to know somebody and I play the "we just met" part. That way I can use the house more. Or the wedding party, not really "my" idea but it's fun to play that out. It's interesting how to create a whole person. I'm being silly and I still know that I can write anything I want here and it doesn't really matter. Although because I really don't like myself it's hard to create somebody that would really Love me. I don't feel I have any value and it makes me feel Foolish about having this warped out Fantasy. See, it really doesn't work for the most part. I'm rambling as I have at least 1 and 1/2 hours before I can call the cable people. I get stressed and it feels better to just blab and type. I've modified the house a little bit, tweak here and tweak there. It's pretty cool, it's the most fun. I'll get tired of this one and will create something else at some point. But for now it's the best thing running and I'm good at it. I do think there are a couple of things I do well. There is life after calling the cable people as I don't have to go anywhere or do anything. I do have to deal with the dishwasher and it's been not fun for my holiday. I guess I just feel that I don't have enough value to have it done right. That if it was a high end install they wouldn't have done it so tackiness. I feel as if I'm wrong and I've done something bad. I get mad at myself and that's why I have to call and get them to come back out even if they don't fix it right. I called last week and they didn't call back. I don't like getting blown off and it just causes me more stress. I didn't research the dishwasher or shop around and this is the punishment for not doing that. I still think everything is a hassle, there always has to be something. I think I've let my thoughts run rampant here so far this morning. I will say that I still like this made up man and have not used the same guy this long. He doesn't have hair on his chest and that's not my regular MO. I like a hairy body. But, he is just Hot. I haven't seen anything I've liked to this point. There is just something about him from the first time I saw him on the TV. I'll just take it the way it's packaged. I did try to add hair, but it's just not the same as He really is a real person in the world. I'm silly...
Nothing in life is perfect. There is always something with something. It's that we don't take care of what we do. I mean we don't care how we do. I had the dishwasher installed and they had to drill screws to fasten in down and they went through the cabinets on either side. Which is fine except that there is sharp screw ends sticking out. I called to have them come back and I haven't heard back. It's the second time they had to come out because there first attempt didn't work. If it was a high end install, they would not do what they did. Why should this be different. Do I call again on Monday or do I just live with it? I hate dealing with this kind of stuff and that's why I don't do anything. It ends up being screwed. I beat myself up because I didn't research and take the time to find the right company to do it and the right kind of dishwasher. I just went to the easiest place and bought a cheap dishwasher just to get it over with. I hate myself for not wanting to deal with it and just live with it. I still have to call on Monday to deal with the cable, phone, internet access. I get stressed about whether it will be easy and I can get a new package that I won't have a huge increase in cost. I understand that it will go up and that's OK. I just feel bad. My thoughts are that why should they give me another package and that I'm not worth the trouble. I just dread this kind of stuff. So, my vacation has been just series of hassles, the dishwasher, the alarm panel, the cable. It's always something. I have been able to stay home however. I have to go back to work in a week of so and I know that it will be hard. I dread that too. I did walk yesterday and will try to tomorrow morning. At least I can get some movement. I might not. I see that I get lazy and the Meds. give me that I don't care attitude about life. I feel foolish about just day dreaming about something that won't ever be. Also, my man that I use has a life. I spoke of it already. It's just a way to have my drama that I don't let out with people like people do. I just all is well and I'm good, everything is good. I do have fun designing the homes in my Fantasy. the one that I'm using now is from the 30's, 40's, 50's styling. I have mixed a little of each. It's a nice house. It's right on the beach. It's kind a big, well kind a. I guess it doesn't really matter what I say here as nobody knows who I am anyway. It's 3200 sq. ft. with a "dramatic entry". It's not a huge space but it would have to be built with steel as it has a wall of frosted glass and floating stairs. It's three floors. Way cool. I in-vision it as a very Green home with reclaim, reuse, recycle. It has wonderful burled wood. It's stunning. What else can I say? It would be a little big for the lots where I see it being. So, I created a special gated community to have it in. We're talking money, it's part of my Fantasy anyway. It's a wonderful house, place to live and a really hot man. I'm sick. Well, maybe not. It just feels weird to right it out. But, nobody will ever see this anyway or know who I am of where I am or anything. So, it's 3 bedrooms, 4 baths plus extra space on the entry level with a dressing room and bath to use at the beach. There is a garage to hold 4 cars, although it is a tight fit. It has a outdoor "room" under the upper deck. I put in reinforced clear panels so there would be some extra light down there. Very smart and expensive I'm sure to do something like that. There is a outdoor kitchen and a sitting area with a wood burning fireplace. There is a small garden area with a gated wall that goes to the beach. It's where I would like to live if I lived in that area. The middle level has a great room concept at the top of the stairs with a kitchen with real metal cabinets like they did in back in the day. Wonderful 50's style. there are the custom appliances from that era, only 21st. century. Also the house is a smart house that has all the computer bells and I'm having a hard time spelling and the spell check won't find the work, but you know what I'm saying. There is a open pantry and large store room off the kitchen. It has a wonderful hall way with wonderful curved 30's something built ins. The house is ADA compliant and has a elevator to all 3 floors. there is a guest bedroom and bath on that level to. The third level has a office, study and a wonderful yet small main bedroom all three with views to the ocean. I put in a Steam shower as I would love to have one. How glorious it would be. There is another bedroom and bath up there too. I have a hard time picturing colors and furniture as I'm not so inclined. I have bits and pieces but, I don't do it real well. The computer program I use to design the homes I do has a window to view how the rooms and house would look like. I can do a walk through. I get a real good idea of how it would look. If it were really true, I mean really true, where it is and what it is, it would cost millions of dollars. I dream big! Of course I have to give him a great personality and his own stuff. That is where I run in to some problems because I did look him up on the internet and know some stuff about him in real time. I'm sorry i did it in a way. Of course he is educated and does good things in the world. I'm being silly at this point writing all this. It is not real, but, then again, nobody knows who I am or where I am or anything. So, what the heck. He loves me and wants to marry me, I have a chapter for that. Yeah, chapters. There is the chapter of the wedding and the party, not my idea of course. There is different chapters, I can pick the one I want and even come with new ones depending on where I am in real time. OK, I think I'm being ill about this now. I do spend my time there and I've always have done this most of my life. It has evolved through the years as I've gotten older. But, it has the same theme. I get saved and loved and I now that it's not really going to be that way in real time. I just find it better then what my real life has been. I'm mature (older) now and so it has taken on a different theme then when I was younger. It's always been a safe place and a great escape for me. That I'm back doing it a lot is sad in a way. Sometimes I just get Depressed about it as I know it's not real and won't ever be. Even the part of it that could be real won't as I don't do anything to make it that way. I just don't know how to interact with people, I never learned. I've said this before. And there is the Fear. It's a wonderful house by the way...
I saw the Med. Doc. and I'm glad to be back with Him. I tried to stop the Zeprexa and I wasn't able to sleep because the side effects of the Limictal, so I had to start the Zeprexa again. I'll see the Doc. next month and we'll see what he thinks. I'm on Vacation for two weeks and nobody knows about it. I'm just hanging out at home in front of the TV. I have my Fantasy world and I'm there. I don't feel like doing anything and I know that it's not healthy in the long run. I'll go and walk in the tread mill tomorrow morning. But, mostly I'll be home. I had problems in the condo. The alarm panel kept beeping at me and I thought it was the smoke alarm. I ended up cutting the wires for the smoke alarm and found out after the fact it was the panel. Not smart of me. I'll have to still fix it. I screwed up the alarm panel and armed it by accident. Long story short. I looked up on the internet and found out how to power down the unit. So, at least it's not beeping at me. I don't have a monitored system. The place is wired and paneled for it. It turns out it beeps when the battery is dieing. It's disconnected from the box in the closet. The dishwasher stopped working the same day and I had to go and buy a new one and have it installed as I'm not doing any thing like that myself. It's a cheap model that was on sale and it will serve my purpose as I don't do fancy washes. It's not that I have to keep high end stuff for this dumb to sell it for more money. Talking to the Doc. that day, I realized that my goal is to retire when I can collect SS. I know that I've talked about it here and yet I didn't realize that it's what I really want. I will have to replace my car at some point, but otherwise I'm just saving money. Now I know that it's what I want more then other things. I don't have to travel or spend money to help my family as I do. Big gifts of money will stop and I can save as much as I can. Although my cable bill is coming due with out the package deal and will have to call them and redo it somehow. But the bottom line is that I'm keeping much of what I have now and will just have to pay the bill. I see that it's on thing that will cost me some bucks. The one luxury. For the most part I feel that there's not Hope and have let the Fear take over like I've said here. I just feel it's over. And because I'm not trying anymore then it means I'm a failure because I'm not trying. If I was trying and failing, at least I would be trying. Now I'm just failing. It just seems that everything in life is a hassle and the Fear is stressful and I'm tired of being stressed. I understand, as I've mentioned here. I just believe that I don't have value and nobody would like me. I found out that it will cost another $4,ooo.oo to finish my implant. I'm shocked by that. I'm going wait till January to finish it. It will use up all the allotment of dental money for the year and I'm gambling that it will be cheaper to do it that way then to pay $3,000.00 now and have the money to cover any work that would come up next year. What a mess and it's a lot of money from start to finish. I still feel weird about my Fantasy Man. It makes me feel bad that he has this wonderful life and I just sit home dreaming of him in my Fantasy. I'm so warped out. I tell myself that I can use him in my head. But, the truth is that he is like most people out there enjoying life and doing what they love and having Love in there life. They know how to deal with life's ups and downs in a healthy way. They don't have Fear that freezes them from doing anything other then hiding at home. I think it would have been better if I didn't know about who he is in the real world. He is still the best thing I've seen in awhile and well, I'm just messed up. I have to remind myself that my Fantasy will never be true on any level if I stay home hiding. Parts of it are very possible if I have a life.
I'm real far gone at this point as I would and do try to stay in my fantasy world. If I can get away with it at work, I'm there. In my car or at home or really anytime that I can I'm there. My fantasy Man is somebody that is an actor that I'm just ah struck as I've not really been as attracted to somebody that I've not seen in real life. He's not my first choice in body style as he is very thin and has no body hair from what I can find. I've looked him up on the internet and well it is a adjustment to find out who he is in real life. It sort a ruins my person that I've created about him. Who he is in my world. But, it's my world and now I stuff an envelope with $2.00 a week to pay him to be what I want him to be. He plays a role for me. I save by putting money in envelopes every pay day. At least that's one way I save. I just never stay with one man this long in my fantasy. It has changed through time as I find somebody that is more attractive then the last. But, he's stayed! I have tried to put hair on his chest, but that just doesn't fit him. I'm insane at this point. I'm just allowing me to be comfortable in life and my world is better then what is out there. I'll never meet people and I'm tired of trying to change what I've never really wanted to change. I know it's Fear driven and I've just given in to it and have let it completely swallow me up till it has eaten me up. So, I have my world again as I did when I was younger and this man is a part of that and sometimes I have to tell my self that indeed it's not true and not real. I design the houses I use in my world and I like how they turn out. I enjoy designing houses a lot and I'm glad I can incorporate this in my fantasy. I grow tired of one and change the property and design a new one and do it till I've perfected that house. I use it till I want to create a new one. But this on man has been in my world awhile and I'm surprised by it actually. He's just Hot. The testosterone he gives off is incredible. And it's not even in real life. Well, on the TV, which isn't real either. Maybe it's the roles he plays. He's just a stud! I'm worried about myself at this point as it's not a good way to live and I don't really think long term. I just go day by day as life goes by. And I just go to my world. But, what does the future hold or what do I do if I'm just being in my own head all the time? The Meds. allow me to just live there and I'm glad of it. I see the (old) Med. Doc. this morning and I hope it all goes well as I just want to be medicated on going at this point. I just missed out on the "socialization" process when I was growing up and I just don't understand how it's done. I feel real stupid most of the time these days because of it. I find myself in need of some physical contact and am saddened that it won't ever happen. I don't know how to do it healthily and I just can't "slut" my self out like some. I've been on a web sight that I know you can meet folks and have sex, just can't do it. I'm just alone. But, I go to my world and "he's" there and well it's nice. I can hear his voice and almost feel his touch, not just sexually, but hugging and hand holding. I'm just so out of touch with the real world. I've been doing this fantasy thing for so long and drugs have always played a part. Now I can be medicated and have the same experience I had when I did drugs for fun and got high. I guess it's a choice I've made now and I just lie and pretend to keep myself safe and it's just OK. The Meds. keep the Depression down and that helps as I don't know if I would stay alive if I wasn't on them. Maybe in another life I'll do better and take what I've learned in this life to the next. But, as long as I feel that I'm paying him to play the part for me, I guess it's OK to know about his personal life. He has a life! and I think that is the part that Depresses me the most. He's happy and I'm sure he loves his wife and kids and has fun in life and does what he enjoys. He's Happy! I'm not and I feel just awful about knowing about his personal life outside of he work. People around me do what they enjoy and are dealing with life's ups and downs and have some peace in there life. Balance, I don't have it, never have and don't feel I will ever. That's why I find my own world the place to be as it gives me some Peace(?). I do try to keep in the forefront of my mind that it's not real nor will it ever be real. That's it for today i guess. He is real hot and the house is real neat and he likes me how I am. Although in my real mind I don't feel right about it as I don't like myself and see myself as unlikeable, but I can have him re-sure me that I'm OK.
I could of slept in longer. Oh well. So I have to time to write. I canceled the Appointment with the Med. Doc. as I have one with the old Doc. that I found. I am glad that I get to see him again. I hope that it will work out. I'm more comfortable with him instead of having to try to find another, which wasn't working out real well. I was playing at one of those meet Men websites. I was just messing around looking at some profiles. One person has answered and has sent a short, one sentence, note. I don't think I'll take it far as he's looking for somebody that is "fit" which I'm not. Although I can keep up because I ride my bike and have exercised for years. He's more social then I am. What am I thinking anyway, he is looking for Sex anyway and I don't do that sort of thing. but, I did answer him anyway. I have nothing to offer and It's kind of stupid of me. He lives a couple of hours from me and I'd have to travel over the border, if I went there. I would love to have an extra cup of coffee, but I know I can't because I won't sleep tonight. What am I doing? I don't have Sex! Nice body however. It's that gym thing! The schools are starting back up and work will be busy and I don't know if I'll have breaks of not. That's what I don't like about my job is that I never know how the day will go and it stresses me out. I have been spending most of my time in my own world when I'm awake, I don't think it's healthy. It is a better place. I've had my own world for many years. It did stop when I was involved with my roommate with a label. I think I was trying to better myself and practiced Meditation and all that stuff which I don't do anymore as of late. It's all about my comfort levels now and I feel relived that I don't have to try at this point. I think it will depend on how the Meds. work out. I drink to much coffee and eat to much sugar and I know that if effects my sleep. If the Doc. stops the Lunesta I will have to change my diet. I don't want too. I just want to dream and watch TV. and retire as soon as I can. Well, I'm just repeating myself at this point.
Something is wrong with my bank accounts. My checking is over $1,000.00 short and my Money Market is off $50.00 and I can't figure out why. All the transactions are record and there's nothing done that I don't know about. I know that I keep to many sub-accounts that I feed every pay day and I just don't how it could happen. The checking changed by $500.00 in one week and I don't know how. I'm screwed! Next pay period is "free" as I get three pay checks in this month and I'll have to eat it to help balance it. I don't know how the money market got wrong in one month either, I can't figure it out. There is another amount I'll have to eat also. I just can't get ahead. It all just gets worse and worse. My family wants to have a birthday party for me and I just don't think its necessary as I don't think it's that big a deal as I don't think it's worth celebrating. I don't want to live anyway, why celebrate something I don't care about. I guess it's all about them. So I have to buck it up and just go along. Sucks! I just feel awful about everything and the Meds. are the only thing that keeps me alive at this point. Work sucks, this dump of a apt. sucks. I awoke to the people next door fighting. I where ear plugs and have a sound machine on so I don't always hear them in there bedroom. What a screwed way to wake up. Life bites and I keep feeling how could it just get worse when it's so bad know. My ears are horrid, they are so loud that it's louder then everything at this point. I just want to get sick and die. All I want at this point is to be alone at home and I'm just letting go of my connections to the outside and I don't care. I know I ask for all the bad stuff as I'm being punished for how bad I am. It just can't get worse even though I know it will anyway.
I feel overwhelmed with stuff. I have so much business to take care of. I have to call about getting a new Med. Doc. I found my old Doc. that I would like to go back to. I will call later today. I had to find some names from the Ins. web sight. I don't really want to drive as far as I have been. Then there's the small retirement account I didn't know I had. It's real small and I hope to roll it over to the retirement account I have through work that I elect to do on my own. It's not part of my pension. Then there's the stock claim. I would like to just let it go as I don't feel it's worth the hassle. I just want nothing going on. I'm tired and done with it all. I'm concerned about work and I still have to tell my cousin that I don't want to take our trip. I need to just save money. I feel horrid about where I live and have talked about it before. But, I can save money and that's whats important right now and I'm willing to buck it up and just put up with the Depression about the situation. Maybe they will all move at some point in the next few years and someone quiet will move in next door and across the way. They party together and they are loud. soon the weather will change and they won't be on the deck a few feet from my living room window. I just hate it here. work will be screwed as there is to much over time and the work is hard enough as it is. And it will go on till Feb. And who knows if it will continue this way. I'm just giving up and just accepting that my life is hopeless and at least I have my fantasy world to go to. I'm glad I can just moan and groan here, it is nice that I can be nobody here and just write.
I spent the day yesterday and the baby come running to me when I got there. I was surprised by it, gave me a hug and kiss. Later she even spent time with me at the sand box and near the pool. We talked, ( she knows a lot of words now) and she sorta got the understanding that she had to wait till the Sun came up today. Cute. The older boy played cards with me. I guess I connected with them and I feel better about that as I was not doing well interacting with them. I saw my niece's mom to and felt better about that too. I'm overwhelmed with the business stuff I have to deal with. I'm scared about finding the new Med. Doc. I did get my Lunesta back and am really glad of that. I'm not sure if I wrote about my new work for Fall/Winter. It will suck as it has so much overtime built in without a lot of brake time. I will be tiring and I don't look forward to it at all. I'm not sure how to work stuff out. I just want nothing to be going on. I'm home today and have to get ready for work tomorrow, but I have a lot done already and will be able to just dream most of the day. I seem to rather be home doing that then being out in the world. The Depression is mild, and would rather die still.
I picked my work yesterday and it was not good. To much built in overtime and reduced brake time. It ranges from 8 hrs. 42 min. to 10 hrs. 04 min. I'll have almost 7 hrs. of overtime a week. I just can't believe it. I freaked out as I don't know how to work it all out. I won't be able to ride my bike as much or at all. If I do, it will be more then a 12 hour day! I won't have time to really eat during the day. I can brake up my sandwich in two like I do now. But, it won't be a restful meal. I will just be behind all day. I was not able to keep consistent hours either. That means I'll start early one day and late the next. It will mess with my sleep schedule. Plus, if I drive I'll be in commute traffic most days. Just a nightmare. I freaked out about how to work it all out. I still don't know how to do it. I don't understand why I have to be punished so much between this house and work. I hoped it would get better as I got older. It doesn't seem to be that way. I'm not sure I'll make it to early retirement in six years let alone 10 more. I don't see it getting any better. As long as I stay on the Meds. I won't kill myself, or so I think, but if I come off them, it's all over with! I'm sure if I took all the Ambien that it would be enough to kill me. I know that I should balance my life with something good, or something that I'm interested in, or volunteer to help somewhere. Get out of my head. I just don't want to. Do more Yoga, Meditate more, all that stuff. I just don't care it seems anymore. I have found that I dread coming home and everytime I come into the complex I just feel like crap. It just doesn't make any money sense to make any changes. I see the options yet I don't know how long I'll be able to handle work. I need to save all my money. I'll need to replace my car and some household items before I leave work. I won't have the financial freedom I have now. I just don't know at this point. I just can't see getting any lower. I'm just Depressed about the whole situation.
I have to pick my work for Fall and Winter this morning. I'm concerned that I'll have to go downtown and I won't get Sunday/Monday off. They have changed the work and there are less Saturday/Sunday places available. Part of me would like to go back to my Thursday/Friday off as I won't have to socialize as much and can stay home. I'll just have to the best I can for hours, days off, and work. I woke up Depressed today. My Holiday is almost over. At least I have Wednesday and Thursday off with nothing to do. I'll have to clean a little, but other then that I can sit around and watch TV. I'll have the usual Sunday night Depression I get that I have to go back to work. I hate work. I saw my Doc. about Med. Doc's. and got some names. He also sent a prescription in for Lunesta and will fill the paper work for the approval to get it. I hope it works and that I can go back to it. His office need to be dusted and he drinks soda, my kind of Doc. I thought about paying the money, whatever it might be, to get some acoustical insulation done even if I have to build walls to do it. I'll have to research it. I will take care of everything, but not this week. Well that's about all today. I will buy day old cookies when I go to pick, I like them.
The world sucks and I hate myself. Of course I'm just giving the same info. I always do and have for the time I've been doing this. My visit with my cousins was OK till I got drunk one night and opened my mouth. I caused problems and don't remember much. What I do remember is not good and I'm embarrassed by my behavior and can't hide enough. I know that will change my relationship with my cousin. I won't say anything to any body about anything any more. I'm such a fool. My neighbors are horrid and I can't stand it anymore. They fought the other night and I had to bang on the wall to shut them up. Then they had a party last night and it was awful. I hate it here. I can rent it out any time after November. But I'll have to live in it at least two years out of five to not have to declare the sale money as income. But then I'll have to pay rent and show the income from the rent. It just sucks. How could I be so stupid? I agreed to travel with my cousin in 2013. I'm trying to find a way out of it. I just should not say anything that I can't get out of. No commitments. Again I'm so foolish. I just need to not say anything. I see the Doctor tomorrow to get referrals for Med. Docs. as I won't go back to the jerk I've been seeing. But, I've already talked about that situation and I'm putting out energy to fix it. That's all the energy I have with work and the neighbors. My ears went up the scale, it's so high pitched at this point. It seems to happen when the people next door fight and I have to deal with it. I keep thinking that it can't get worse and sure enough they do. I wouldn't be able to handle it if I wasn't medicated. I still don't plan on being around and have enough sleeping pills to end it all. I just need to get to the place that I'm done. The Meds. keep me from getting that low. But, I will be off the Meds. when I retire and it won't be long after that that I'll take my own life. Not unless Cancer comes first. I talked about that too. I have a few days off from work and have a couple of things I have to do, other than that I'm just at home in my own world. It's better that way.
I started taking the Ambien the other night and it leaves me tired and hard to get up in the morning. Or it could be because I'm not eating well and drinking to much coffee, so I don't sleep well to begin with. I made an appointment with my Doc. to get referrals to another Med. Doc. as I won't go back to the Doc. I also stopped the therapy and am done with it all. I just live in my own world and watching TV. It won't work after a while but I don't care any more. My cousins are coming next week and I guess it will be OK. They won't be here long and I'll have a few days to myself after they leave. I'm taking care of all the social stuff early on and will be able to just be by myself. I have one free movie left and will just relax. Work has been awful and I will retire at my first moment I can. I priced new cars on line and they will be expensive for what I would like to have. There will be payments and will effect the amount of money I'll be able to save for retirement. I'll see how it works out. My family still owes me money and that will help in retirement. I'll lose some percentage of my pension leaving early and the SS. will be lower. but I mentioned that I don't spend money. I would like to have a new car as mine is getting up there in age and don't want to have a junker when I'm done working. I checked online about what is going on with the complex I live in as far as prices are. They don't seem to be as low as before, of course I don't know what they sold for. I just have the asking price. It's still a heavy loss. I lost so much and have yet to forgive myself for this major mistake. It's a awful place to live. Oh well it's still cheap rent as far as the cost of living here and such is life. I won't live past 70 as I don't ever want to be old. I just need to figure out how to do it if I'm still kicking at that age. That doesn't give to long and I don't see long term anyway so it's far enough for me to make my choices short term. I've said all this before I just repeat myself cause I don't have anything to say.
I left the Head Doc. I just don't care anymore and don't want to spend the money. I don't think long range, yet I am going to retire as soon as I can collect SS. I'll be a few years early with the retirement from work, but am willing to take the loss. I don't spend money and don't for see myself doing anything that will cost money anyway. I need to make plans while I'm working and will need to replace the car and some home items so as I won't have to purchase them after I'm done. The Med. Doc. screwed me out of Lunesta and gave me generic Ambien, I haven't gotton them in the mail yet and I hope they work and don't make me eat or drive my car in my sleep! I had some many problems with getting the order filled. I tried to help and all it got me was grief. There were so many misunderstandings and everybody ended up mad at me. I won't go back the clinic were I was seeing both people and have to buck it up to find another Med. Doc. Life sucks. Again the Meds. keep me from falling to low and I don't have any highs because I don't allow myself to feel happy about anything as it leads to heavy lows. I have to go to work and I'm glad it's Friday. My cousins are coming up for vacation and as long as they don't have to be at my Apt. I guess it will be OK. I set aside some days after they leave to just be home and alone with nothing to do as I like that.
I got a little sleep last night even though I got up early and have lots of time before I have to leave for work. I start later then I did before and get off later, bummer. I see the Head Doc. today and I don't want to. I almost canceled. I'm not doing anything as I mentioned before and it seems not worth the money. But, I go anyway thinking that I'm doing something and gives me the feeling of self improvement and moving forward. He feels there is change, I don't really see it as I'm still beating myself up. I'm such a Fool and quite Stupid and I believe that to be true with all my Heart, I know it. I'm pretty much done with life and hope I don't live to much longer. I'm going to retire as soon as I can collect SS. I've mentioned that before also. I'm sure they will raise the age before I can. I will just live off a smaller income then if I were to stay working longer. Until then I'm trying to save as much as I can, but will need a new car before I go as mine is getting up there in age and that will cut the savings by at least half. But, seeing as I won't be spending as much in retirement because I'll be home I should be OK. I might get something for my Apt. when I sell and that would help. I lost half my money and will get it back, I've mentioned that before also also. The Med. Doctor screw me out of the Lunesta and now I'll be on Ambien CR. I scared that It won't work as well and am considered that I'll wake up and eat without knowing it or worse using my car. I've heard horror stories about it and I hope it doesn't happen to me. The Lunesta didn't do that to me. Oh well it was a nice run. I the Lamictal is like taking speed and effects my sleep. I'd rather be wired then satiated anyway. I have taken tons of speed in my younger days and enjoyed it a lot. I'm Depressed these days because of how I talk to myself and I don't think the drugs will change it. It keeps me from fall to low I guess. That's what it's suppose to do. I don't get happy either and that's a good thing too. I guess that's all today. I need to look up Ambien CR and see just what I'm getting myself into. At least I will have sleep Meds. as I'm addicted to them.
I guess I haven't' written in awhile. I spent time with my niece's father when he was in the hospital. He passed a couple of weeks ago. Maybe I already mentioned it. I went to the funeral and mo memorial service. I feel foolish as I call them and they don't talk to me. I guess that if you don't have a relationship with them to start with you can't just jump into there lifes and expect them to feel the same. I know that I created this. I don't have a relationship with anyone at this point. I very isolated and alone. I know that I can't keep up seeing people and will just have to visit with them when there are gatherings I have to go to. My sister can do this well as she spends time them and talks to them, there friends. I'm not. The drug place I get my Meds. from is not going to fill the lunesta as my Doc. has been out of town and not done the paper work they require. He comes back today and I hope he'll be able to fix it. They haven't fill the other two Meds. either and I'll have to call them and see why. They were on the same slip. Again the Meds. keep the Depression down. yet I'm Depressed and feel Hopeless. I'm not going out in the world and will die alone. I have pushed up the retirement a few years and will just learn to live off less. I will start the SS as soon as I can to at least get in the system before it's gone. Of course by the time I'm ready, they will have changed the rules and I'll be forced to work longer. That carrot just gets farther away. But, life sucks and I need to except that. I'm still seeing the Head Doc. and we are going to work with the Fear. It holds me back and has full control over my life at this point. What does it matter anyway?
Welcome to July. The Summer has been going fast already. I'm seeing the Head Doc. today and will most likely the last time as he is going to a different clinic that is not close enough to make it worth it as I'm not really doing anything to make forward movement. I can save the money for the early retirement that I want to have happen. It will only be by 3 years and I'll be able to get into the Social Security system before it's gone. I'll only get 94% of my pension and will be 4 years short on the S.S. So I need to save as much as I can. I've looked at the numbers and living where I live is the cheapest way to go. But I hold on the fact that I can sell it in 3 1/2 years without having to declare the profits as income. Not that it's worth anything any more. If I rent someplace it will cost more. I will be able to apply for lower rent once my income is less when I retire. It helps me to know I can get out from this burden. I hate where I live and feel just awful when I enter the community. I'm tired of my job and am tired when I get home and don't feel like doing anything. I just want to be home and watch TV. My niece's father died last week. I spent the last 3 weeks spending time with him at the hospital for hours at a time. He was a nice man and well I don't know what to say about it as I just don't spend time or want to be around people or let them get to know me, so I didn't spend time with him through the years. We had some stuff in common and would maybe had a good relationship. To late now not that I would be able to stick with it anyway. I've been Depressed and not doing anything that is suppose to make it better. I don't have the energy and don't want to be around people. I just want nothing. It's time to retire and wait to die.
Looks like were at the end of another month. I've been spending all my spare time in my fantasy world. It's where I put my mind when it's not necessary to to use it. I don't play games or read much anymore, not that I played games before. I don't do anything to use my mind or train it or reel it in and focus. I just dream my fantasy and come up with different story lines and all with the same person and the house I designed to play with. I am aware that my mood changes with the drama that unfolds. I don't think it's all that healthy to spend this much time dreaming. Yet I don't have any other kind of life. I don't go out to meet people and what would I say to anyone anyway. "Hi, I'm a couch spud and I dream all day long". Yeah, right. The Meds. may mask the Depression but my thoughts still create Depression and the way I feel about life. The Meds. give me a I don't care attitude about life and I'm not sure I really care at this point. My concern is when the Med. Doc. takes me off the Lynesta. I drink way to much coffee and eat may to my sugar product to be able to sleep without the drug. I've been taking it for years and don't really want to stop till I can retire from work in 8 or 9 years from now. I like being medicated and don't want to be other wise. There is just a huge sense of Hopelessness and Despair and I'm not doing anything to really change my situation. It's sad. I'm sad. I'm not doing the Active imagination at this point. I don't see it really helping and I think the last couple of times I did it I was just forcing it and not doing it right. I just don't stick with anything for long. I did do a couple of things at home that are on my long list of stuff I've been putting off. I redid the cat scratch rope and now she doesn't use it any way! I started to clean my balcony as it's green. Just another wonderful thing about the dump I live in. Gee, all the Positive things I'm writing. I seem to feel I don't say any good things. I guess it could always be worse. I have a good paying job and I don't anything to anyone except my living expenses. It's good in that sense I can save most of my paycheck. I'm not happy and don't see myself changing. The Fear has all the control now and I'm suppose to use the active imagination to be come friends with the Fear. I'm not. I don't think it's working and of course I don't continue trying. Anyway that's what is going on, not much different then when I started this blog a couple of years ago.
I've been working with the active imagination in the mornings that i don't work. It's been different and I'm not sure that I'm doing it correct. I've come up with the Fear, the Guardian, I met a person who is the worker and I don't remember her role. It's been interesting and may be it will help. The Head Doc. is changing clinics and I hope it will work out. There has been so much that has happened in the last couple of weeks, like it's been a full moon all the time. I just don't want to just complain about stuff. I don't see a lot of good i just seem to plug along. The Head Doc. seems to think I've change since I started seeing him. I'm glad that I'm on Meds. and I think it has helped. I've still had a bad time with the people next door. I know that it's not there fault it's such a badly built place and I still beat myself up for the bad choice. I have lost 1/2 my money and it will never come back. I can sell it in 3 more years and I'll just rent somewhere. I did the math and it would not cost more to rent then what I have to pay here with the HOA dues and the ins, taxes and saving for carpet and paint at some point. I re packed the stereo stuff and the shelves I was going to put all my albums. I don't feel like this is home and I'm just staying here. It's the cats house. I just take care as a live in. I'm trying to save as much money as I can that way i'll have some saved.
I'm so blown away by how it is where I live. It's just awful and hate. I find I'm afraid to come home as I can't trust the noise level from next door. The main couple that live there fight, and all though they do it in the up stairs hallway, I can still hear them. They had a party last Saturday and were fighting at the same time. It was horrible. Then it's quiet for a while. That must be the time that they split up. I think he moves out and then they kiss and make up and he moves back. He is loud as he is a big man. I pray to find out why I create these living situations what cause me such heart ache. My choices are not good and have to stay at least 3 1/2 years to be able to collect any profit from the sale. Not there will be much! I lost a lot of money.
I've been in my fantasy world and have preferred to be there as it makes me feel good and I like the man and house that is in it. It's not real life and not a healthy substitute for the real thing. It is hard sometimes to distinguish between what is and not. I have to remind myself of that. I've been Depressed about it and the Meds. keep in line somewhat. I've gained enough weight that people have noticed it. I'll be able to be on my bike more with my new work that starts next week. The whole in side me is rather large at this point and there is lots of Fear that has control of me.
The Head Doc. and me have been working a little with Active imagination and I have disclosed some of the Fantasy to him and I actually have been working with it at home! I've done something! I really would like to meet someone at least to do something with not as much as a relationship at this point as I don't think I'd do it in a healthy manner. I feel that I would be needy. The last couple of weeks I've had a hard time with the ups and downs of life. I'm real sadden by how lazy I've gotten and don't feel like doing much other then watching TV and dreaming. Not very productive. I just don't feel like doing "it". There are some things that need to get done around here. I also would like a border curtain in my room that I've moved into a few weeks ago as the other room has a humming coming from the next door bedroom. It's loud. I just can't go over there any more. I have black out shades and it helps, it's just around the very top and the sides. I just don't do it and feel that I would not be able to do it easily and it would be like other things I attempt to do. Yet I know that I could to it and deal with the things that would come up. I just don't. I want to take the stereo shelves I set up that I never finished apart and put it all back as I won't use it or unpacked my albums. Why keep it set up half done? It's things like that. I start something and don't see it through. I don't know. I have just not unpacked a lot of stuff. I don't use it and wonder why I don't get rid of it. I've fallen out of the Guru's Grace and still have all my spiritual stuff packed up and I think it's disrespectful. I don't know what else to write. I guess the Meds. keep me from going to a really bad place and can't even imagine how low I would be and that I wouldn't want to live. It happened a couple of days ago and the Meds. kept me level.
I had my mouth done the other day. It went well and have to wait 4 months before I can get the crown part that will have 2 teeth. I'll look normal again. It's been a long process. Expensive too. I got a lot of pain pills and have been taking them just for fun as I don't need them for pain. I love getting high of them and it's a real treat that I don't get to often. Some things never change. A druggie is always a druggie. It's been nice to be home and able to be in my own world. I have to go back to work tomorrow, yuk. If my Fantasy world was real I'd not have to. I still am not comfortable telling the Head Doc. about my Fantasy world even if it's not really bad. It's quite normal and I've had the same house and man for awhile now. Usually I change men and houses. But this time The house is perfect and so is the man! He is so attractive and HOT! He's from a TV program, i won't mention it. I know it's all in my head and isn't true. The house is really good, I did a good job designing it. I know, it's not real life and I'm cheating myself out of the possibility that I could have a healthy relationship and have fun in life. It helps to me on Meds. as the Depression is lower. I guess I don't feel much, although I didn't feel much before except Anger, Depression, and it's associated feelings. Is it better to be a little numb? I just want my Fantasy to be partly real and I don't have to be rich or anything else. I just want somebody to be with and do things with that we both like. will it ever happen? It won't if I just sit around and dream.
I saw the Head Doc. yesterday and we talked about maybe the Fantasy world I go to (a lot) is my unconscious trying to tell me something that I'm not hearing. I spend so much time "there" that I think it's affecting the "real" life. I'm just wanting to be alone and in my own place. I get real comfort from being there and it's so much better then what my life really is. I see that it serves a purpose and fills the voids in my life and what I really want my life to be. I know that it won't be like it is in Fantasy, but that doesn't mean that something like it could be come real. I'm afraid to talk about it to the Doc. and I won't know if it is something that needs to be worked through until I say something about it to him. I feel that I'll lose it and won't have any thing to have that's comfortable. Maybe that's the point, I'll have to on with life and brake through the Fear. It all comes that book Inner Work about Dreams and how they mean that the unconscious is trying to tell you something. It's also about Active imagination. I think that maybe my Fantasy world is more then just passive Fantasy and that it's possible that it's something more. I'm just Scared about it all and am thinking how to deliver it to him without maybe saying to much detail. It will be hard. I have to go to my family's today and I would rather stay home and get the cleaning done and just have my space and let myself have the Fantasy. I get my second phase of my implant done tomorrow. I have good pain pills and I hope that the pain is not a lot so I can take them just to get high. I just don't want to listen to it. Maybe that's what I have to do at this point is listen and see what it has to say. I don't know. I have a couple of weeks to think about it.
I'm not sure there's much to say today. The Med. doctor adjusted my Med. and I'll see him next month to see what has changed. We were working on getting rid of the constant hunger with the Zyprexa. My Aunt is in the hospital with kidney stones, she's 97 and I worry that any procedure will cause more then less. I just can't handle another trip to see her, especially if she passes. It's to soon with my cousin's death to have to deal with another. But, my cousins say that she'll be fine. They are all going about there business this week, I guess that's a good sign. I've been in my head with the Fantasy stuff and I think that it's to much. I look at myself and see a couch spud that doesn't really engage with life and I see other people doing and being and I'm not doing anything. I have let go of my focus. I know what needs to be done I just don't feel like it and can't seem to get it back. I heard from the IRS about my taxes being wrong and have found somebody to redo them so as not to have to pay tons of money. I'm not as stressed about it at this point. I just think that the Depression is just at the surface and being kept there with the Meds. I know that I'm Depressed about life and most of the time feel that life is hopeless. I don't have the energy to do what needs to be done. I have to do some things about "safety" in case something happens. I just can't drum it up to get the stuff done. I just don't feel like doing it. I know that I just need to make a list and get these things done one by one. I just feel like being home and not doing anything. I have a busy couple of weeks ahead and I think that it will help. I have the second step in the teeth implant going on next week and will have some days off on the sick time. Then I have to help my sister move. I do have a symphony concert coming up in a couple of weeks and I look forward to that. I guess that's all for today. I see how my mind jumps around from one thought to another and should practice the practices to keep in focus.
I guess I haven't written in awhile. Time has gone by and I've been in my Fantasy world most of the time. It give me some peace and my mind tends to go there when not otherwise engaged with something else. I spend most of my work day there and that's not safe. My mind has become undisciplined as the rest of me. I've started to ride my bike to work some days. Well, two at this point. I have gained a lot of weight and feel really uncomfortable as my pants are tight on me. And I keep eating. I wonder how much it has to do with the Meds? My Depression is down due to the Meds. I have to assume that's why. But, I have a I don't care aspect the I'm not happy with. I just want to be married and live in the desert. I want to buy a house and rent it out till I can move there full time. I think I've said this before. But, the truth is I don't have that much money and would be or might be house poor. I have a down payment and could cover some costs, but it would tight. I wonder how I would meet people? I'm not good with groups yet I see that that's not true either as I see that I might be different then I've assumed. I feel like I'm changing and the Head Doc. feels I have to. I think it's slow yet I'm not moving tomorrow. I just want to be in the desert and will travel there yearly. I also found that all my cousins are coming in August to visit. To much for me! I'll need a day or two to recover for that, and I don't have them yet and will have to wait to get them off and I might not be able to. I have to get going on the cleaning and maybe I'll be able to write some more as I have not been feeling like it or spending the time to do it. I guess I'm not moaning and groaning at this point. I have tickets to the symphony, one this month and one next month. I'm excited. I'm going by myself and taking the bus part way. I'm glad I'm doing it and most likely would not have done this a while back. It's just expensive and am not budgeted to spend the money. I want it more then not so I'll just pay and go. I'm off to clean so I can not do anything!
My cousin passed away and I flew to the funeral. It was a whirl wind of a few days. I was able to stay with my cousin at there house, which was very generous of her. There was lots of people at the funeral it self and afterward at the house. One of the daughters thought it would be the best thing to have tequila and I joined in. It was a good way for me to feel something and I was able to release some feelings about My cousins death. I will miss him as he was part of my life since I was 12 yrs. old. I think I mentioned that some where. I played with the kids, they got what they deserved as I got them with the hose. I had fun with them. I don't think there parents were to happy with me getting them soaked! I didn't feel to drunk, just enough. I did wash lots of dishes over the time I was there and it felt good to help out as it was easier to do something then sit around talking to people although I did talk to people. I saw family that I don't really see or speak with and had a good time with my drinking cousin who I see but never really spend quality time with when I down there on regular visits. I have to go back to work tomorrow. They were nice enough to give an extra day off after my trip. I'll watch a movie today. I want to change my life and stop being in my head so much. The Depression is really low and I feel that I'm moving forward slowly. I want to live in the desert and will make that happen for my retirement which is still a ways off. But, if I can buy a house or condo and rent it out I'll something payed for and will be able to live rent free. I have the down payment and feel good about that choice. I will go to look at towns/cities starting in Oct. I just don't want to be alone anymore and yet I'm not making long term plans based on that and will see what happens.
I haven't posted in awhile. I went to visit my cousin and he's doing worse then in Feb. I don't feel he'll make to the end of the year. But, he still has a sense of humor and is eating well. His wife is being a great care taker and is taking good care of herself with a great support team. He is getting Hospice care and has care givers during the day. I hope that when the time comes he goes in his sleep as that would be the best way. I spoke with my other cousin, there daughter who has helped me a lot and knows all that has been for me the past few years and she sees changes in the past year. I have to admit that I think the Meds. have helped a lot. The Depression has been lower and I feel better. I'm still eating out of control and have gained a lot of weight. I hope to ride my bike more as the weather improves. I feel like I don't have anything if I don't have my food and fantasy world right now. There is so much change happening and I want to be different then I am. I'm going to the ballet this Saturday and am looking forward to that. I spend time with my Nephew and his family and am connecting with the kids a little better. I'm trying to be a little more social. When I get my teeth worked on and will have the implant down next month and will have to wait another four months till I can get the tooth part installed. I would like to meet men after that. Not exactly to have sex but to meet folks to do things with. And you never know. I'm starting to do the things I want to do and listening to my heart about what I want and want to do. I want to live in the Desert as I don't like the weather where I live. So, I'm planning and looking into retiring in the desert Southwest. I've looked a little and will get maps and guide books to see what's going on and can take trips to some of the cities that would give me the best weather. I have a small down payment and can rent my condo out here and move there. I still have a few years left before I can retire although. I still feel I don't have anything to offer anyone and don't have a wide based knowledge of things. I don't read and retain much and don't remember a lot of the magazines that I read. My mind just goes so fast. And again I'm in my fantasy world right now and it's been the most I've done that in years. I get a lot of comfort from it and it feels like a balance for the changes I'm going through. I see the Head Doc. this morning and we're going to work with the Dreams, but I don't remember them and have not been able to keep a Dream journal. I feel that I haven't done the work and I must be punished for that. We looked at the "big dark cloud" that we identified as the "punish er". I think it helped some to Id that part and have tried to listen. I think it helped to see what I really want. I'm lonely and want to be coupled and I have to see that and honor it. Regards of what the punish-er thinks. I guess that's all for today as I have to leave soon.
I seem to be doing better. The Head Doc. and I have been working with the voices. The big Black Cloud that is the Punish er has quieted done some as he his just standing back and watching. I spend a lot of time in my Fantasy world. To much at work as I can space out a little. I spend a lot of time on my days off with the computer designing, I like it as I'm good. I just have to remind myself that it's not real. I know it just represents what I truly want. It may not appear in that form, but it is possible. We are going to work with the dreams a little. I can't explain the reason about it, but I understand. I think that the Meds. are helping at this point. I seem to be calmer. I have one week to work and I'm on Holiday for two weeks. I'll be going to visit my sick cousin again. and I'm glad about that. I saw him two months ago I hope that he's holding his own. I'm aware that he is getting worse and I don't see him making it to the end of the year. bummer. I'll have a whole week off when I get back and I'll be able to hang out some. I'm going to the ballet also. It's very expensive and I won't be able to go often as I can't afford it. It's a nice treat this time. I would not have done this a few months ago. I'm going myself and look forward to just being with myself as it's easier in some ways. All though I don't want to be alone. I'm having my en plant done next month and will have to wait another four to six months to finish it. I'm having problems with another tooth and will have to have it pulled at some point as it's dieing. It's in the back and I won't replace it with anything. I won't be able to afford anything anyway. The Depression seems to be small and maybe there is some hope. The Meds. are helping with that too. What to say? I hope the changes stick as I would like to have some life. I have been spending part of my days off visiting with family and friends, being social. It's been a little each weekend and then I'm able to hang out at home. I get my snow tires off today. Thank You.
I've been spending a lot of time in my own world. It's a nice place to settle my mind as there is so much that is uncomfortable with the work I'm doing. I also see how it represents what I want in the real world. Whatever that is. I'm home sick today and I'm glad to just be home. I've played on the computer and have created a nice place. The Head Doc. and I have gotten in touch with the "Punish er" and have spoken to him about me and him. He has been a little quieter. I don't know how long that will last before it starts up again. maybe not. We have worked out some language to help me deal with him. So far I haven't had to use it. I'm just watching TV and most likely will not go to Yoga tonight as I'm just home. I just want to spend the time in my head. I used to do this all the time when I used drugs. It was my world and took the place of what was missing and is still missing. I'm very lonely. Mostly it seems hopeless but I'm feeling a little better that something will change down the road. I need to get my implant done still and the pin will be put in place in May. I'll have to wait 4 to 6 months before it can be finished. Maybe I'll be better then and can feel like I can do something about my situation. I just don't feel that I have anything to offer to anybody. I think I'll watch a movie as its free with my coupon.
Again I haven't written. I seem to just want to be in my own little world. I've designed many houses and some have turned out really well. A little large, but what to ya do. I'm sitting in my Apt. early in the morning when the neighbors are sleeping and it's real quiet. What a relief it is. I get so stressed by the noise. I should have known better when I bought this place. Some how I have to come to terms with it and just get used to hearing them. I'm sure they hear me also. I try to be quiet and maybe some day it will come back to me. I'm also going to send the people that bought my house a $1000.00 towards the inspection items that I blew off. It's just for me and it's put the universe back in balance. I've started thanking people at work who help me out and talking more to the customers that need my help. Maybe it's having a little Gratitude about stuff, as I have a job and can live comfortably. I haven't done my taxes yet and keep putting it off as I won't get anything back and have nothing to deduct. Today I have a free day I don't have to do anything but watch TV and draw and dream. I went to the symphony yesterday and it was grand. My 12 yr. old just loved it. I'd like to go again. I'll keep an eye open to something that will be enjoyable. I walked in the morning and it felt good to get some kind of movement. I hope to it together to ride my bike again. I seems just a long way and with the overtime at work, it would make for a long day. I'll only be able to ride two days instead of three. That's better then none. I leave in a month to go visit my cousin again. He's progressively getting worse and I hope that he will be stable when I go. I owe myself a lot of money going twice like I have this year. I'm jumping around here today as my mind is going fast. It's just quiet right now....
I haven't written in awhile. I've been lost in my Fantasy world and have not been messing online. It calms me down and I haven't been taken with it in a long time. I mess around with designing homes and playing. I continue to remind myself that it's not real and if it was it would be different then what I dream up. It can be true in a way and am working to have that happen.
I've noticed a big difference in my Mental state since I've gotten in touch with my 12 yr. old. I listen to him and remind him that I Love him (however that is!) and that he his special and the best 12 yr. old. I practice it most every night before I go to bed. He has quieted down a lot. I've noticed a difference at work to. Of course I am dreaming there as well as sometimes I can space out. I think the Fantasy is in response to the change in my thinking as I'm not used to it and it feels weird to have the yelling quiet down as much as it has. I'm going to the Symphony as he requested. I'm doing some of the things he says he wants to do, I'm listening.
I've had some many problems with my neighbors and the noise and fighting. I've tried so many things. I really hate where I live and I know that it was a mistake and that it was a hard time for me back then. I'm trying to find ways to forgive myself for this mistake and know that I need to stop before making any big choices in the future. I'm stuck here and have to buck it up. I was Depressed and the yelling from the 12 yr. old was loud and I wasn't listening. I'm trying.
What is there left to write? I'm going to see my cousin again in April and I'm glad I went to see him earlier in the month. I might have another cousin come and I'm not sure I like that as she puts a different spin on the time. I won't be as comfortable with her around. I won't say as much. That's why I glad to have the time this month. The money is a problem as I'm spending more then I can really afford. I'll have lots of dept to pay off. I think it's worth it. I'll have to go again when he passes. I guess that's all for today. I'll write again soon....
I've been back to work for a week and the work is long. I've been in my Fantasy world there and at home. It's sort a like a balance between the changes I've made in my self talk and how I feel. I'm able to listen to the yelling and know that it's the 12 yr. old. I have been talking to him every night and try to listen to him during the day when he has something to say. There are things that he wants to do that I want and will do some of the things myself. I don't have to go out and meet people, especially in groups. I won't do well in groups. But, I can go the Ballet and the Symphonic on my own. I will go next month. In the mean time I'm designing homes and enjoying it and it's nice.
I had a run in with the neighbors yesterday as they were fighting and I just can't take it. I went over there and the guy was pissed. I know that it's not a good time to talk to them about all the noise, but I had to stop the fighting. The wife came over later in the day and apologized to me for the noise and fighting and told me all sorts of stuff about what is going on and that there are others living there with kids. I've been over there about the kids running all over as it cause pounding in my Apt. I've been beating myself up, well the 12 yr. old has been yelling about the situation and I have been trying to listen and understand, that I should be doing more about the situation. I e-mailed the property manager about this and will hear back later today. There is just so much noise I can handle with out getting totally stressed. I understand that there will be some noise as this place is a dump. I guess I'm doing the best I can for the moment. I did go over there at least.
I saw the Head Doc. this week and he's proud of me for the movement and change in me. More will happen as I do more work. I also will be able to continue with the work on my teeth. I'm glad as I was concerned about it not working. I guess I've said enough for this time. The Depression is less as the Meds. are helping.
I just got back from seeing my cousin yesterday. It went well, of course I eat my way through. Chocolate chip danish! He is not doing well even though at the moment he's holding his own and looked good. He's eating and has wonderful care givers. They have long term care insurance and he will be able to be home till he dies. They will never have to worry about money. I question my own position with that. My sister and cousin, the daughter that I have a relationship with are having some issues that they need to work out. They are stressed and I feel bad that I can't help except give my opinion and be there to listen. I told my family about the Meds. I can't say I feel better about it. I have Sunday and Monday off now and will be able to spend time with them. I guess it's the best at this point. I don't feel as hopeless as I have. The Depression is managed with the Meds. and I guess it's OK. I've been able to listen to the 12 year old and I have been taking to him when I get in bed most nights after I read a little. Maybe this will help in the long term and let me move forward as he's very lonely as am I. I've been going to my fantasy place and I feel it's OK for the moment as it makes me feel better. I just have to remember that's it's just not real and life doesn't happen that way. But in time if I can work through the Fear I'll be able to have a life that's real and fills the void.
So, about this Blog thing. I don't understand why people use Facebook or those other Blog things. They put themselves out there with everything about them and who and what they are, there life's and all sorts of things. I think it's weird. Yet I do the same thing here except that I don't say who I am or where I am. I'm honest but edit what I say so as to keep my Identity secret and private. So, what's the difference between me and everybody else that do this? I don't think it's right to judge others when I do the same thing.
It helps to write this and I know that I bitch a lot and say the same thing over and over. I do report some other things. And, I say things here I don't tell others and that nobody else knows because it's safe here as no body knows me here. I leave to see my cousin in a couple of days and I'm worried that I won't have anything to say to him. I'm glad to see him anyway as I worry it will be the last time. It will be busy and lots of people as other family will go and be there also. It will be fast though. I will have a couple days off around it so it will be relaxed for me to transition. I need time to adjust. I have tomorrow off and only need to work on day this week.
My ears are a disaster and I don't seem to do what I need to do, like stop the caffeine and sugar. Or eat more fruit and veggies. I'm having problems adjusting to this Apt. living as I have to listen to the people next door. It drives me crazy. What a mistake this was... I've already said all this. I hope to get used to it and maybe they will move, although others could be worse and I should be happy with what I already know. I guess that's all for this day....
We have only 1 week left before we go visit my cousin. I have some extra days off around that time and I'm glad of that. My new work starts that weekend and I'll have different days off. I hope it works out. I have been practicing talking to my voice of the 12 year old in my head. It has helped a little as I'm not beating myself up as much and when I do I can see that's the voice. Maybe there will be some difference long term. I still have a problem with where I live. The people next door a loud with the banging and sometimes verbal. I don't feel it's all there fault as this place is a dump and all the sounds travel. I have a hard time letting myself off the hook for buying this place and all the money I lost in the process. I just still feel trapped here. The Depression is still at bay because of the Meds. My ears are really loud and I wonder if it's partly because of the Meds. I know that my diet is bad, to much caffeine and sugar. But I've said this before. Will I cut back and change my ways. I did ride my bike 3 days this week and plan on the 3 days I work next week. I've been going to the fantasy place a lot and it makes me feel comfortable. I know that it's not real. It has been less now that I've quieted down the in voice. I don't know how they are connected. Well off to work...
He sat next to me on the plane. He was gorgeous, there was chemistry going on. We said Hi and chatted about the full plane and lack of overhead space. I didn't know what to say. I thought of saying something to get a conversation going, you know why are you traveling and where are you going. That sort of thing. My mind was a blank. It was electric to be next to him. Our arms touch as we both put our arms on the are rest between us. That was the ticket as we both said excuse me at the same time. "Hi, how are you." He had a wonderful smile and I think he felt the same spark as I did. No wedding ring! That's a good sign. We spoke of our travel plans and why we were going. He was on the larger side but over weight with brown eyes and light brown hair. Do you think he had hair on his chest? That just added to the intrigue of the situation. As we spoke, he had such a sense of humor and kept me laughing about all sorts of things. I liked him as he was easy to talk too. At some point in the conversation he mentioned that he thought I was attractive and wondered if the felt the electricity as he did. I couldn't breath. I stuttered that yes, and that I thought he was attractive. Mind was racing, could this really be? We started talking about more personal things, relationships and old partners, dating any one. It was fitting together like a picture puzzle. Boy, was he funny. We joked that we could be not who we said we were, maybe some kind of stalker or worse. We showed each other our ID and just laughed about the whole thing. We also joked of being together as a couple and would that be something. This doesn't happen in real life or does it happen this fast even if it was happening. He said after we had spoken for most of the flight that we would be together and we would work on things as they came up. Weird, I thought he was insane to be taking like this. I kinda liked it and if it went slow, why not? We did live in different towns and would have to communicate by phone and e-mail till we could see each other again. As the flight was coming to an end he reached for my hand and squeezed it as he said, "Can I kiss you?" I was stunned, but he had such a soft and searching look in his eyes. I felt that the world didn't exist except for the two of us. I said that that would be nice as long as my family wasn't watching as they were sitting on the other side of the row away from us. I though I'd have to answer to many questions and how insane the situation was. He reached in and softly and lightly kissed me on the lips. I was in heaven as it wonderful to feel that energy between us. We agreed to speak every night at leas to say 'Goodnight' to one another. What a flight. I told my family that we had talked on the flight down as he walked out with us to the baggage claim area. As we were leaving we gave each other the knowing look and I new he was right that we would always be together and would work all the issues out in some way.
Was it true? Only in my fantasies. These things don't really happen, do they? Maybe to someone else....
I saw the Head Doc. yesterday and we worked on getting in touch with the 12 year old. It was good work. I didn't realize that the one voice that hates me and wants me to die is a pissed of kid. I've hurt him by the way I've lived my life and shut him down and haven't listened to him all these years. Now that I know the voice I can talk to him and tell him how sorry I am and that I love him and think he's a great kid and so on. It's odd to do this as a 55 year old who's push him down I'm not sure I know how to do it right. I'm winging it and have decided to do it when I get into bed at night. I'm told that it will get easier as I do it and the 12 year old will calm down and I'll do better. The Fear is large around all this. Yet there was something reliving about this process. The voice and knowing who it is, I'm not as pissed off and feel calmer. I haven't beat myself up since this happened and my mind seems to be quieter. I've been going to my fantasy place for the past week and I think that it's the 12 year old who goes there to get his nurturing and Love. I haven't felt the need to go there since all this happened. Maybe finally I'll be able to understand myself and like my self a little better as a whole. I don't have a big expectation about this and will just flow with how it turns out. He his really pissed of and feels better that I'm listening to him.
I'm tired and feel like just sleeping in at some point to catch up. I have my Yoga class on Tuesday nights now but have to work on Wednesdays. It's hard as I just can't come home and go to sleep. I'm not sure if it will work out long term. I will have different days off starting the weekend that I'm going to see my cousin. I'm worried about how the work will be as there is a lot of over time built in and it will make for a long day with riding my bike part of the time. I still plan on keeping my Sunday as a day to just stay home and chill. Yet I don't know how I'll change with the Head process. Hopefully the Depression will be lessened with the process also. I'm not sure how the Meds. are affecting my ears and continue to take them as the Doc. wants. I'm not sure if I should play with them. I hope he'll hear my concerns when I see him. I've decided to get a massage as I think it would help because I'm so tense and nothing it working to relax me. Maybe I want to live and it's the 12 year old that feels the need to have me killed. I said that already. I guess that's all for today.
I have a partial day to day and I was able to sleep in a little. I did some shopping so as I won't have to do it on Thursday. I'm working out so I don't have to do anything on Thursday afternoon and on Friday. I'm so in pattern. I'm also gaining weight as I'm not exercising as much as I have to to maintain the food I'm eating. I'm not doing much to manage it. I just think that when the weather gets better I'll be back on my bike more then I am now. I did ride the past two days and it felt good to do that. I have read about self compassion and I don't see how to cultivate it for myself. How do I brake it down into little bits. I don't view my self in that fashion and how do you like yourself? I think that I want to live and have a life and I get real Scared and freeze up. And then the thoughts start and I can't keep up with them. There to fast. The Fear takes hold and I have to hide. Do I want to have a life and live? How do I change the thoughts about it and that I would rather die. I won't have a life if I stay home behind the TV all my free time. I don't do anything that I can talk to people about and that leaves me with nothing to say. My world is very small and I created it. The Depression is once again suppressed with the Meds. I seem not to have any moods at all. I have a "I don't care" attitude about stuff, my life and health and how I take care of myself. I don't shower but every few days, except for when I exercise. I not that bad about it, I just see that I don't everyday and what's the big deal. I keep the house clean and cloths washed. The car however is a mess from the weather and I'll clean it in Spring. The trip to see my cousin is all set up and although it is a hassle and I don't really want to go as I have to be on and come up with something to talk about and say to folks, I feel it's the right thing to do in case he dies or goes farther down hill before April. What else to say. My ears are just awful and I'm not doing anything to make it better. Like not eating so much sugar or drinking so much coffee. How will I know if it's the drugs or my diet? I'm sure that it has to do with the coffee and the stress that I'm under. I am not happy where I live and the stress from that is also having an effect too. It's such a dump and I still can't forgive myself for buying it and I'm stuck here. I've bitched enough for today as I say the same thing over and over anyway. Sorry.
Why does most everything have to be a hassle? We have to jump through hoops to get a cheaper deductible for our ins. and this is for 2012. I don't think it's working quite right and have to deal with it today. Oh well. then there's the something else, I don't remember at the moment, it could be that I worry about everything. I got everything done so I don't have to do anything today, just lay on the lazy-boy and watch movies and taped programs. I love it. I can go away in my head and not have to do. It's what's happen through the years as I've gone farther inside. The Depression is suppressed because of the Meds. I feel numb at this point, I won't complain about it as I feel better over all. My ears are pretty bad and don't think that they will get better. I'm not sure if it's my really bad diet or the Meds. themselves. It all feels hopeless and I know that I won't have a life and I just want to die still. I'm pretending that something will change and really am not doing much to change. The Head Doc. feels that I'm making progress. How that shows up with my life and how I see things will yet to be seen. I'm not sure what to say. I don't want to just go on and on with what I've said before, it's a broken record. The Meds. don't let me get to far down as I can't end my life on my own. I just think if I wasn't on Meds. I'd do something in time. I guess that's all for now, I have to take the trash out still. I'm going to ride my bike to work at least Saturday and Sunday as it will be warm out. I've gained so much weight with not getting enough exercise not being on bike the past two weeks.
Just a quick note as I'm having to go to work soon. I have to play the insurance game for my deductible for 2012. It's a pain in the butt and they made it not as easy to do. But it saves me money.
My sister and nephew are going to visit my cousin. I wanted it to be small but it's not, how can it be when your traveling. I have a couple of days off before we go and a couple of days when we get back from work.
The Meds. are keeping me from getting to Depressed and I'm more level. I think it effects my ears, but I can't be sure as my eating as gone down the hill as the time frame with the new Meds. goes along.
We've looked at my12 year old at the Head Doc. session. We'll see how that progresses. That's all I have time for I'll be back....
Well it's the new year and not much is different, that it would be! My ears are pretty bad and I hope that I get used to it. I'm not taking care of myself. Although I'm moving for weight control. I'm not riding my bike because of weather being to cold. It's not like it was at the other place as I'm 5 miles farther from work. A big mistake, one more thing I did wrong by picking this place. The list is long.
We're going to visit our cousin and that's all set up. I changed my days off and that will go in effect in the beginning of Feb. It means that I'll have to be more social as I won't have to work on Sundays. I have lots of over time and with Yoga on Tuesday nights. I'll be real tired by the time my weekend comes. I won't want to see people. Stupid. The Depression is controlled by the Meds. I just don't feel anything but frustration and anger. To much caffeine and sugar. I just don't seem to care enough to make the changes. I guess when the Med. Doc. stops giving me Lunesta I'll then have to make the changes so I can sleep. Which has always been a problem anyway. That's it for now...
Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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