Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Archives for: December 2010
I had to call the police on the neighbors last night again. I get so stressed listening to there fighting. So far they haven't hit on another, or least I think. My right ear increased in volume when I went to bed and it's real loud now. It is louder then it's ever been and louder then most noise at this point. It sucks and if I wasn't on Meds. I'd not be able to handle it. I'd most likely kill myself. The Depression is in check along with all my other feelings with the Meds. and I guess that's better then feeling my feelings and being Depressed. Life is Hopeless and I see not point in it. On the flip side, I'm going to go see my cousin who is dieing next month, the first weekend. I don't feel as desperate about seeing him now that I know I will. I would hate to have him die and have not seen him. He will still be who he his when we go. They have brought in Hospice and my understanding is that they come in when someone has only 6 months to live. I'd hate to wait till April to see him as I think he'd be not himself. The whole process to but the trip together is no fun and I worry about the lose ends even knowing that they will all work out. So, it will be OK and I'm glad that I'll see regardless of how I feel about the whole situation. I don't know what to say however to any of them. Again I'll get through it. I also have a day off when we return home, that will be good. The other thing that is going on that I'm nervous about is changing my days off. It will mean I have to be social with the people I know as I won't go out to meet new ones. I don't want that but know that it's the healthy thing to do at this point. That's it for this year.
Just a check in about nothing in particulate. I have to work a full day today. But most of my work is canceled for tomorrow. I will try to walk in the morning and go to the pool on Thursday. I've gained so much weight and am still eating outing of control. The Meds. are helping with the Depression and I'm just going about life with an "I don't care" attitude. I'm just eating and watching TV and glad to be alone. My sister canceled Thursday and I'm glad about that. We are going to visit our cousin in Feb. I'm glad as it most likely will be the last time I see him or see him while he's still him, if you know what I mean as he's not doing well and it's getting worse fast. I would feel bad if he died and I didn't get to see him before he died. There isn't much going on. I'll change my days off and I'm not sure how that will look as I'll have a weekend day off and would have to see people. It's something I "have to do" as I don't want too. Yet I know it's the healthy thing to do. If not I'm not doing anything to make life more normal.
I have so many wishes or fantasies. Little story's that I go to. I want enough money to retire now. It would be nice to find someone to be with. These things will not be true and it's a waste of time and energy to go to those places in my head. It's not healthy and aids the Depression. I guess that's all for now, I have to go to work. Oh Boy...
Up early as usual for the past couple of weeks. Have to much coffee and do stuff like this and watch TV. Real productive. I do my Yoga a short Meditation before this. My ears are really bad and I hope it's the sugar and caffeine not the Meds. I don't want to come off them or change. I'm so tired of trying new Meds. or old ones mixed together.
My cousin is not doing well and has Hospice in to help. I am concerned that he won't make it till April for the regular trip to visit them. I will try to see if I can get there sometime in the next month or so. I have to talk to my sister about it and we have a deal we won't go down one with out the other. I will talk to my cousin first to see what she thinks and then talk to the rest involved. I just feel I have to see him before he dies. So will see. I need to clean the kitchen before I go to work. Work should be easy as a bunch of it is canceled, I can walk a bit. I'm getting fat from not riding my bike. Have a good day.
The kids picked on me on my way to school, teasing and pushing. Then at school those set of bullies pushed and shoved and called me names. Why I asked, what did I do? Then on the way home from school the kids on my block chased and teased me and pushed and shoved. I ran as fast as I could to get home. I was so upset and crying. I just wanted to be held and comforted, to be understood and nurtured. It was not to happen. I remember that my mother went out to see about the kids. She was not gone long. I was so upset. I was angry and frustrated and not understanding why! What was wrong with me, it had to something! I got even more upset, crying. I was so upset that I chewed on the window sill about half the length of where my bed was. When my mother returned, I don't quite remember what she did. There was not nurturing. I was alone. I realized then that I was to be alone for the rest of my life and no one would help me or hold me or support me. The loneliness set in and has been with me ever since. MY Father's answer was just to fight back, stick up for myself. Karate was the way to go. I did go Karate until I messed up my knee and had to stop. It didn't help at school or the neighborhood and I still ran and did not understand why it was happening. That was the time that the "camp counselor had ditched me after camp let out and I tried to call him, He just got an unlisted phone number when he said he was moving. He didn't return to the first session the following year. That's when the Depression set in and I have been Depressed ever since. I remember that I beg to have him help me, save me from the kids. Crying and crying and wishing he would save me. Stupid as there had to be something wrong with me as even he ditched me. Then there was the kids at my dad's store that day walking down the street. I did not even know those two. One of them just hit me from nowhere and gave me a fat lip. I told my parents I was looking at a real cool car and walked in to a pole. There would be no nurturing so why tell them the truth. There had to be something wrong with me to have this happen out of the blue. What have I done in a past life that would deserve such a life now.
When I went to the Head Doc. yesterday we talked about he "lonely" and the Hopelessness I experience. I hadn't been able to bring up the loneliness until I remember that day. The being picked on went on for the three years of middle school. Maybe I can work through it and not be stuck in the "stuff" of my childhood. I try to tell myself that it's not that way anymore and there is nothing really wrong with me, yet I still believe there is in some way. I don't want to be around people as they will see the "something wrong". I would like to get through it and feel better in my own self.
I haven't slept well the last two nights. We are trying to update the forced air heaters in the living room and put in a programmable thermostat. Of course it opens a can of worms and now I have to call an electrician to check the wiring. I hate doing this stuff and in this case if I would of just left well enough alone. If it's not broken don't fix it. I have a third day off this week and I was hoping to have a stress free and alone week end. Get a movie and just relax about everything. It doesn't look that way as now I have to do stuff and still have to do all the stuff I have to do weekly anyway. It's OK as this will pass. I also have been aware of my thoughts and feelings. I have my pattern thoughts and how I react to this kind of situation. I'm Depressed and angry about it all and take it out on myself. I don't want to live and that's part of how I react, like it's all my fault and I did something wrong. I just don't sleep and that doesn't help with the Depression. I'll try to know that they are just my usual thoughts and I'm not them. I tend to fall into my ways and I'm in front of the TV when I get home and have been eating in front of it instead of listening to pod casts. I just don't care when I get like this. Although I have ridden my bike to work and have gone to the pool to do laps. I don't know. Maybe just having the awareness and seeing the pattern will help. Yet I won't do anything to change how I react.
Well it's Friday again and I'm always glad. I get to have a extra cup of coffee. I'll do some shopping and will be able to be home. I "should" go to the pool in the morning and I did ride my bike to work one day. I just don't want to go. I will most likely go anyway and tell myself that I don't have to push myself. Even though I do anyway. Maybe I'll take it easy. The Meds. are doing there job and maybe we have combo that works. My ears however are much louder and it's sometimes to much and bothers me. So the Depression is at bay and it's because of the Meds. I still don't like life and my thoughts continue to say the same thing and I feed and maintain the same story in my head that I've played out all these years. I don't see things well and come from the victim place. I'm aware and still I don't do much to change them. The Fear is big and controls what I do and that contributes to the Depression. I find I'm just stressed because of the Fear. I just don't see anything changing because I don't believe that anything will. It's a circle, I'm Afraid and freeze and I get mad at myself because I'm Afraid and "shouldn't" be Scared. Of course I have the reminder that I bought a bad condo and it's not valued very well. I hate myself for the mistake I made and that doesn't help my situation and I have to come here everyday. My thoughts about it keep me stuck as I still haven't unpacked much. It's been over a year now. I just can't come to terms with it. It was a terrible choice and is everything I said I didn't want and where I didn't want to be, why? I didn't listen to my inner voice and still don't trust myself with making the right decisions when I have too. I guess that's it, I have the said the same things over and over. See what I do!
Well it's Friday and I'm glad. I haven't ridden my bike in two weeks and I'm just not getting the exercise that I got with the bike. But, I'm walking a couple of times a week and I hope to get to the pool tomorrow morning before errands and Head Doc. I've been angry this week and I'm not able to pin point why. I tell my self that my job is not that bad and it's how I deal with it. I've tried to do my homework about getting in touch with the feelings of when I was young and being with my Grandmother in the kitchen. I've done OK at it. I'm suppose to do it 2 times a day for 5 minutes. I find that after a couple of minutes I have to look for it and it's not there. I've also tired with the camp counselor situation as I enjoyed being with him. Although I don't have a lot of thoughts that I remember, just a couple. I feel that again I'm fooling myself that I'm making changes. I've been watching TV with dinner, which I'm suppose to do and it's part of the self anger I'm dealing with this week. I've also binged a couple of times this week. I'm also worried about my weight as I'm not moving that much. I just want to watch TV and not have to worry about anything. The cable bill came and it was a lot and I had paid a bunch when I didn't have to as I called to get the bill. I'm such a fool that I worry about my service and that I don't trust when someone says they will do what they need to. Oh Well, I waste so much money and will not have to retire. I also didn't get credited the $15.00 for closing and reopen the safe deposit box change. But, I don't feel it's worth the time and Fear dealing with it. Well it's off to work.
Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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