Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Archives for: May 2010
I'm $500. short in my checking account and I can't figure out what happened. The Meds. keep me spaced out and I'm messing up at work. I won't be able to keep it up and will have to stop some of them or cut back on how much I take. I take such a small amount as the Doc. thinks, It's still to much. I'm seeing a Therapist and don't know what I'm changing. I'm locked up and eating. I don't know how to be comfortable and nutured. There is no nuturing in a healthy way and what would it look like anyway. No one is going to hug me and tell me it's OK. I'm the one that has to change my ways and no one can do that but me. I just want to be home and alone. Is it the drugs that make it more of it? Or am I just so far gone at this point. It was a year ago almost that I tried to take my life. A year! It's been a year of making choices and life changes all the while being Depressed. All the choices I've made have been wrong or bad or what ever, there not good. I regret most all of them. I'm glad I'm single and the house is gone. I don't like where I live now and I'm stuck here as it has no value anymore. I hate my job and I'm stuck there as I'm not skilled and there are no jobs and I'm 2/3 the way to retirement, if that even happens. I still haven't done stuff about my tooth that has to come out. I am overwhelmed by the thought of having a enplant. what a nightmare. So, I'm not dealing with it at all. That's what I do, I just don't do anything. I don't know what to do about anything. I'm just so Depressed today. What direction do I take and where do I go. I'm lost in it all.
TGIF! It's been a hard week and I almost ended it all on Saturday. But what would I do about the cats? That and just getting through the day eased it up alittle. I need to buy the gun. That way when this happens again I just need to make a phone call to My X and say " take care of the cats" and I can jump in the car and go somewhere to end this nightmare. I see the Head Doc. on thursday and I'll see where we are with the different conversations with my "parts". I just don't know how much I can take. The Renters next door fought for over 2 hours on Sunday and I ended up calling the police and reporting it to the Property Management co. who will send them a letter about being quiet. Did I do the right thing? I think I did, but what if they know it's me and come here and "harass" me? I feel better that I did something. It's to stressful for me to live with that kind of abuse. They were very loud. It's the Fear that says I shouldn't have had the letter sent out. Otherwise I'm glad I called the police. How much more stuff can I take? When does the last thread brake? If I buy the gun, I know it will be over with sooner than later. There will be no turning back. Yet if I really wanted to go, why would I be concerned about the cats and I don't really care about what my family would think or how they would be effected. Why can't the Cancer just come back? I hate this life.
I've seen the Head Doc. yesterday. I don't want to get my Hope up about this. He breaks the voices down and talks to them. Lets them talk. It's scary and yet maybe there is something to it as they get to be heard and I don't feel so heavy. Nothing has changed, I'd rather not be alive. But, maybe this will help. I've decided to just go if need be weekly. I can't afford it but I'll do it if it's going to make some difference. Does that mean there's Hope? Can I at least be comfortable in my own skin? Of course it could all be that I like the attention and it gives me a chance to say stuff I haven't said to anyone about how it felt or how if feels. I still think that I won't change and will just let the Fear have control. Maybe I can just relax now and know that it will be OK. Maybe it's OK to realize that what ever choices I've made that it was the best choice at the time and yes, maybe today I would to something different. But, I did what I did at the time. I've lost a lot of money in this condo and maybe down the road I'll get some if it back. The tax assest value has dropped a big chunk and yes, my taxes will be less next year, but I've lost a lot if money if I were to sell. I'm Scared about so much. I can't stop thinking about the future and I don't want to talk to people or spend time with them. I just want to be home and alone. Will that change? I also have to deal with my tooth. I'm been putting off seeing the next Doctor or makeing the phone calls about the Ins. It will be expensive and I'll just borrow the money from myself and pay it back with each paycheck. You just never get ahead it seems. I looked into Long Term Care Ins. and it will be really expensive also. I don't have the energy to research all the info. I need to make a choice. I'm tired and don't have the energy right now. But, something has to happen sometime this year as I have to take avantage of the Ins. and what's left for the year. I'll make phone calls next week.
I feel so horrid about my condo. I thought it was going to be ok, I was wrong. I feel trapped and have no way out. It's lost so much money. I should have rented an apt. instead. I didn't know that it was going to drop so much. The new people next door are loud and I know I have to just get used to it. I made such a mistake. I'd never be able to sell it and if I did, I lost so much that I'd never be able to buy again without a mortgage. I just Hate myself so. I make all the wrong choices and regret the choices I make whether or not they are bad ones. I can't afford to see the Head Doc. every week, even though I know that it won't have to be that much. But, what am I changing? Then there's the tooth, teeth situation. I need to have one pulled and the options are expensive. I'll owe myself a bunch of money. There's is no way I can keep all this up. I don't to be around anyone and am avoiding people. My sister wants to spend time and I don't. I won't invite anyone here as I am a shamed of myself for buying it and I don't want to cook. I have no energy to do anything and just get by with the things I have to do. I just want to die and even that won't be easy either. If there is a God, He sucks. Just let me go!
My appointment last week with the Head Doc. was interesting as he didn't show up and I'd been there for 10 to 15 minutes before they realized he wasn't coming in. I realize that it's all about Protection. I protect myself from Life. There isn't anything I don't protect myself from. It's cause all the Fear and that causes the Depression. Maybe this is a good thing. I still don't want to live though. I also am aware that the protection is what makes me fail at all the things I've tried through years to "make it better, fix what's wrong with me", that all self inprovement stuff. I'd protect myself from it, what ever "it" is. So, I see again this week and I'll share this with him. My thoughts tell me to bag it and that it won't work. Sounds like I'm protecting myself again. I will also realize this just going there as that cause me to protect myself also. I've been playing with the Meds. and don't really like them. The side effects and delay are not good. But, I'm aware I need to stay on them anyway. I still don't see that life goes beyond the next 5-7 years. We'll see. The Cancer will come back and I'll let it take me. That hasn't changed.
Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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