Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Archives for: February 2010
I'm not thinking long term about my future. I have it in my head that I'm waiting to die and don't see much past the next 6 years and believe that i'll be dead by then one way or another. I am heading down the road of buying that gun. I know that I can't go on this way longer, yet I see that I'm already living the way I am and time flies by. I just look out 6 years or 5 and it just moves along. I don't want to live and the Depression keeps me in a state of Hopelessness and I'm feeling it's to late to do anything about my situation. Foolish thoughts and I don't know how to change them. I'm off to work, which I hate and doesn't help my Depression.
It would seem that once you know the truth it's harder to not ingnore it. I can put all if it back to the way it was, but because I know the truth I will never feel good because I now to much. I have made a choice to be as I am and not make any changes or do anything to make my situation better. As long a I can stay medicated and have Lunesta to sleep. There is no reason to change anything. I need to get till I die, hopefully before I'm 60 which is 5 years, or till I'm retired 62, at which point I won't need any medication at all. I know the things I need to do but the Fear is to big and I've always been like this. The Depression cycle of the Bipolar is not bad, but that doesn't mean my life style isn't Depressing. So, I'll always be Depressed regardless. I keep myself this way. I think it's to late and hopeless. It's Friday and all that is, is cleaning, shopping for the week, laundry and TV with food. Oh joy. It's the only thing I have energy for.
What can he say? He knows what the error is and how to make it different. He doesn't want to yet he knows that he can't go on like this for the rest of his time. He plays the game and has let go of all the "have too's" and some "shoulds". It's easier and it allows some movement for him. He will make it to his Great-Nephews basketball game at some point over the weekend. It's a "have too" but when he looks at it, it's what people do, they are with other people, family, friends, etc. He knows it's the right thing. It will be small and will keep his family at bay as they need not know about the Bipolar and the Depression. His cousin still wants him to get help. Maybe volunteer? He knows that would be a wonderful thing, get out of his head and house. He can't do that right now, maybe not ever. He needs to be home. Work will take it out of him and hopefully between work and the bike and the house cleaning and shopping that's enough.
He has his fantasy and he knows that's all it is that none of it is real nor will it ever be real. He tells himself this is so, yet his thoughts go to what he's done all his life. He has his own world and it's easier to let it happen with the understanding that it's not real. He'll always be alone if he's always home alone. He knows he has to take care of it on his own and that nobody can do it for him or "save" him. He needs to be seperated from his thoughts by getting involved in something out side of his head. He just thinks that it's time to step back and leave it be for now. He's made major life choices and is tired and wants to be alone for now.
I guess knowing that he knows what is and what is not (real) that that's a start. The questions still remain. What does he want to do? How to make it happen? He knows that he will need to find someone to help. Can't...at least for now. Maybe there is ways to do things that would work? He doesn't believe it to be so, or trust that. Thoughts about it that are not real. For now again he needs to be alone and let the Fear rule the roost. It has grown so big this past year.....
Welcome to February already. I have a few days off before the new work starts and I'll have my picked work back and my days off. My work will be put back the way it was before. Alot is put back and I've made some choices that are OK for now. There is no self help going on. I don't have to make any changes or try to be something I'm not or that I think I need to be. I'm home alone and watch TV which is what I want to do. I eat out of control and that's OK also. I'm not trying. And that's fine. I rode my bike to work yesterday to see how long it will take to get there from the new Condo. Rounding it off, 1 hour. If I do that 3 days a week I won't have to worry about the weight. It's not such a bad ride and I think it will be ok. I know that this is no way to live, I've written here about my drama over the past year. For now not action is the best action. Maybe I'll find my thing and it's OK to for now not to force something I don't see working. I know that the Fear is in control here and it keeps me locked up and Depressed. I'm tired and need to step back and see what is it that I want to do.
After half my life of trying what I've believed, based on what I've read or heard someone talk about ( I tend to think what people say is true ), seeing what works for others and trying it and not having it work for me. Yes, it's a process of on going work, but not to see very much, well.....is there something out there that would work for me? I don't have the energy to find it for now. I've read so much and tried so much. I won't go on. It's OK. The cycle of the Bipolar Depression is on the up side and have done some things around the house, not much, some. I moved into the front bedroom and closed off the "master" bedroom as I don't need to heat it. On the rare occasion I have house guests, they will have their own bedroom and bath. In the meantime, less to heat and clean. I've kept track of the market and I've not seen any other place that is as good as this place and even though I am underwater as far as what I could get if I tried to sell it, I guess it's OK. I just want to stop beating myself up about everything, maybe that's the key. I need to find some way to be OK with myself.
Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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