Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Archives for: December 2009
It's finally the end of what has been not a good year. All I ask for the New Year is for Cancer and that only my Death be swift. Anything else let it happen a little slower then what went on in 2009. It has been to much and to fast. I'm just going to let my cousin do what is going to make her feel comfortable about my situation. If she needs to tell others of my Depression then so be it. I don't have to do anything about my family as they won't do anything. They are great enablers. I'll work something out with her. I'll lie if need be. I'm not going to look for help as I don't see myself changing anything right now. I just want to work and be at home. I'm keeping the house clean and going to work and dealing with all that intails right now. I take care of the cats and I excerise when I can to help with the weight control. There is nothing else. As long as I can be home alone. All that is important for the next year is my comfort and to get my cousin to calm down. I should of not have said anything to her about what's gone on. I learn the hard way. Always don't say anything to anyone about anything.
I'm back at the old job and I feel that it's the proper place to be. Although I know that I'll lose my composure as that is what I do over time when the newness goes. I still would like to go away and that's what I visualize. The Cancer Will Come Back and I will be Able to go. My cousin is on me and I need to figure out some way to have her calm down about the situation because she will call my family and tell them what's going on. I can't have that. She lives in another state. I'm not going to look for a new Head Doc., at least not for awhile. I don't see the need and I just want to be alone and at home. I function, work, shopping, banking, stuff like that. I don't need to be out there for anything else. I also just need to get to Feb. 10 when I'll have my old days off again and my picked work not what I have now that leaves me off balance. I'm also aware that it's Depression that I've lived with for all my life and I think it's normal for me. And that I can't go on like this long term. So, as the saying goes, one day at a time. I just need to get through today and I'll have my weekend and get through what I have to do and I can be home in my position in front of the TV with my food. Before I know it I'll be Dead. One day at a time. The Fear has taken over and at this point is so big that I can only listen to what it says and obey. Huge Depression. No energy, don't want to do anything and don't care. Hate myself for it all. Sorry.
I've been drinking on my Friday night. Just 2 enough to get me bussed and good. I guess I'm not doing well as I know that I can't go on like this for long. I just want it all back to what it was. I (maybe) can find that I don't have to try and fix something that doesn't need to be changed. I am what I am and think what I think. The Fear is too big at this point and controls my actions completly now. My thoughts reflect it and I'm just home alone when I can be and limit my time with people. I'm putting "family and friends" off as I don't want to entertain company. I'm letting my old patterns and the Fear be, I'm not trying to change or fix, just excepting that it's who I am. No more chasing my tail or trying to change something. I have a bad eating pattern and have to excerise like crazy to keep my weight in check. To change it would mean changing my life. I'm not doing that. I'm not looking to replace the Head Doc. and, I don't know, I'm just giving up as I'm tired of failing and not being able to stick to anything. I go back to the old job this Saturday and I know that I will fall back into old thinking. I'm not looking for my ears to get better or for me to be different. Maybe that I don't care as much as I did that I'll just not care and it will be OK. Who knows. Who cares. My Bipolar cycle is up and I'm on guard. I'm just aware that the Depression is down and my thoughts are not so bad. I'm still a believer that Death is the only way out and still wish for the Cancer as I'm to chicken shit to buy a gun and shoot my brains out. Maybe that means that I don't really want to die? Or is it just a Bipolar cycle? Anyway, I don't have energy and don't know if it's because of the Meds. or the Depression. I just want to be watching TV and not have to do anything. I have some things that I need to get going on at the condo and have been putting it off as I hate these things. My experience tells me that everything is harder than what appears to be and I fail at most things I do. I can do the tub recaulking, I just don't like these kind of things. They turn out to be a pain and I get furstrated. There is lots of ideas I have about this place, but again whatever I chose it won't work out and will make me angry and fustrated. So, better left alone. I don't know. Maybe the not caring or the not trying would make things easier for me to do things. Maybe not caring and not pushing myself to be something I'm not would open it up to be just me as I am and that it's ok. Oh yeah the Bipolar cycle, I'll give it some time and it will turn around again and I need to remember that when I'm in this cycle not to make any choices. I have to keep my guard up. So, nothing gets down.
I keep thinking that this way of living will work and that all I have to do is get to the next day off. But, that is not working either. I feel pressured to do something around the apt. as there is a list that just gets longer. The cats have already stained the carpet and I had anti-stain sprayed on when I had it cleaned. Money down the drain. I just don't feel like doing anything, yet there is the guilt. So, I'll get some stuff down. I don't have any energy to do other then work, clean, excerise for my weight control (not much for that), a little shopping. I need to get things done, good will run, bank and stuff like that. All I want to do is be home in front of the TV and have my food and be alone. I don't believe that things with my ears or any other part of my life will get better going back to my old job and I think that it will get worse actually. I think it's all hopeless. My X came by to check up on me last week and was surprized that the apt looked the same as when I moved in. Now I feel like I have to decorate or something. I just think any choice I make will be the wrong one and why put myself through all the thoughts and torture. I just want it to be all over and dieing in a warm hospital bed on Meds. I still wish for the Cancer to come back and let this all be over. I have thought of getting a gun. There is a gun shop close by. Get a hotel room somewhere and let my X "take care of the cats for a few days" and get the hell out of here. I need to have my options about this. I want out and I don't see any other way then to die. I've tried for years to make it better or different and nothing changes why bother trying anymore. And I'm not.......
Star light, Star bright, First Star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, Have the Wish I wish tonight, Or this Morning, cloudy or not as they are always there... I wish the Cancer comes back and I have less then 2 years left to wait to leave.
I lost all that I wrote because of the wireless going out. Hard wire is the best. Oh well, I'm not going to write it all out again. Lets just say that I don't have the energy to do it. I'll just write something else. Stuff never works like you'd think. It works, just not like it should. It would seem that all that is important is my comfort and that would mean that I'm home and alone. I'm not looking to make any changes and am not getting another Head Doc. I'm not seeing a need on top of the fact that I don't have the energy to find someone new. I can think of other ways to spend that money. I just don't see that I'm Depressed as I'm just wired this way as I've always been this way. Maybe it's not Depression and just how I am. I'm tired of trying to change something that won't change. Try this, do that, and I'm still the same. I just am giving up and accepting what is. If I decide to change then I'll deal with it then. In the meantime, I still have been working on the Cancer coming back as I believe it will and it gives me great comfort to know that it will come back and I can go. I'm done here. Thank You.
After all that worry and the Union and the jobs, I just get to go back the old job. It won't make things better, I don't think it will make my ears better or at least I won't be looking for that. I just want it all back the way it was and even though the new place is farther I can still ride my bike. That will help with the weight I'm putting on because all I do is eat. I'm not going to do the therapy thing. I'm just going to let it all go. I have the Meds. and hopefully that will help with work. I just want to be home alone and I'm doing what I need to do to work that out. I'm finding that it's easy to pretend, I did it well and I don't have to be anything other then how I am. People are people and I can be invisible. All I have to do is answer questions and know that I'll be able to be home and alone. So, Xmas day is my last day at the new job and the next day I'm back at the old job. My ears will do what they do.
The Depression is real big. I just want to die and I'm not able to take care of it myself. I ask everyday to die of Cancer before I'm 60. That's 5 years. That's enough time to have it and let it take it's course. I signed paper work and did all I can do for the moment to get my old job back. And it's not like the new job won't let me go back, it's the old job won't or might not want me back. Either way I'm stuck doing something I don't want to and I forget that I'm going back because of my ears, or so I think. I don't see them getting better or it's not my expectation. I expect it all to be bad that way I'm not so disappointed. I forked over $750 for a new garbage eater for the kitchen yesterday and now have to pay that off. I've had the heat on and don't know what to expect my electric bill to be as I've not lived here long enough yet to get the bill. It will be big also. I'll put out that I won't bitch to much as I do have a job that pays well and even though the ins. will be more next year, there are so many that don't have what I have and I'm aware what I do have and it allows me some wiggle room. I'm sorry to all the people that have lost there job and I know better.
I'm impressed about the degree of not caring that has come my way. I do care about my weight and that's about it. As long as I don't gain to much, I'm done. I'm not looking for a new Head Doc. and I will tell my cousin, who has been the flame under my butt about getting help that I'm just not. There isn't a reason too that I can see as I don't plan on making changes in how I am at this point. The Depression as I've been labeled with is how I've always been and it's my normal. I'm not engaged in life and never have been. I'm just giving up on something that won't be fixed. I'm tired of trying and when I get the energy to start again then I'll check in with getting some help. Dieing is the way to go at this point.
I guess the Union has been looking into my situation and has been working on it. I've spoken with them and there is a chance it will happen after all. I won't get my hopes up about it as I really am not sure it's the best anyway. I just want it all back the way it was. MY cousin said I didn't have to call Head Doctors this week and that buys me a week. I didn't go to Yoga class last night and have been home for the most part. Hiding and eating and watching the tv. I've been in my new place a month and I guess it's ok. I put black out shades on the bedroom windows and it get condensation on the inside. I just can't get away from it. I can only hope for the Cancer to come back and I'm sure it will. I'll have to do something because my cousin will be on me. She's right as I just can't live like this and am not in a position to kill myself. Yet. I'm just Depressed and want to just stay home and not do anything. I just need to just let everything be and stop fighting life and what is, is and that's the way it is and live with it. I'm not surprized about how my condo lives and what the cats do in it and how it all is, Oh well that's life. Can I afford the electric bill? I get to just be home today and be alone.
Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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