Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Archives for: September 2009
I've had to just go with "Blind Faith" about my living situation and how it's all playing out. I think that the other shoe should fall. The house sold fast and a condo in a complex that I wanted to live in came on the market that wasn't a short sale. We have the inspection and the paper work about the complex, by laws and such to get through. It's less money then what I sold the house for and will be able to pay my X off and have money left over. I keep thinking of why is it all going so easy and fast. There are some things that need to be worked out in the unit. But just a good cleaning and I can just move in. I'm concerned about the complex and the winter weather as it's a hill in and out. But, in my head, the Meds. could be letting me just go through this thing and be unattached from it all. Will I regret the puchase? It's a commute to work, that might change also as my ears are not doing well. I will see what happens with my vacation and if they calm down. When I go back to work and they get bad again I'll know that I'm not going to be able to stay there. In that case, I'll have a shorter commute but won't be able to ride my bike. My cousin has helped me get focused a bit with what I need to do. I am looking at support groups and she is keeping me grounded with what i need to deal with at each point. I just need to deal with my living situation and check some groups that work with my time frame. I see that the Depression is someting I have more control over. Or I could just be in the UP cycle of the Bipolar cycles. I don't want to allow myself to get to excited about the new place or about anything. The other shoe will fall. I need to learn about my cycles, I don't know how to do that. I will just take care of what is on my plate right now and let the univerise take care of the rest, I think. Or at least when I can........
It's been a week that I've moved and I'm waiting for the realitor to come back from a trip. Hopefully we'll start looking for a new place Monday or Tuesday. I feel hopeless when I'm not doing what needs to be done and I'm wanting to see some places. I have to let the stress and the Depression that comes with it go as I can't do anything till he gets back and we set up a time. I'm not calm. I don't like where I'm staying and yes, it could be worse. The Money came from the home sale and now at least I have an Idea of what I can spend on a new home. I just feel that my whole life is hopeless and I beat myself up that there is so much I can be doing and should just get on with it. Doing this in my head just leads to more Depression and more thoughts. What about my thoughts. There is to many of them and I can't be aware of all of them all the time. I get Depressed when I know that gulit comes in to play. That didn't make sense. All these "I should's" are killing me. I'm not doing anything with more Meds. and I don't want to see the Doc. unless I'm getting more drugs. I'm just seeing him in a month for what I don't know. I can't afford to do this on going. I see the head Doc. on Wednesday and that also is something that I'm not sure of. Is it the fear of looking at the fear or are we just going around in circles? I don't know how to think about it and I don't see where he is helping with that. My cousin has been a lot of help and there is a group that she helped me find that would be a good support group to be at. There will be others that have some sort of mental illness. I spoke with one of the people that runs it and he sounded nice. I just have alot of Fear around going. Do I want to? Or, is the Fear just making it a "Have to"? I just want my mind to be off and my ears to be quiet. What is normal for thinking? I can't take the amount of Meds. that would help slow my head down. And, I'm not wanting to be a marshmellow. I can't calm down and I don't think it has to do with the coffee or sugar. Well, MY thoughts wouldn't be any less if I wasn't drinking coffee or eating sugar. I've never been able to slow down and I see it as how my mind races. All this time I've thought that I could not have all the thoughts. I need help with that.
I just got rid of all the posting I had written. I'm on my friends computer and it's all different. I moved out of the house yesterday and the cats went to my X's house till I find a new place to buy. I'm staying here at my friends house and am not sure about it all. Everything is happening fast enough that I don't catch up. I sign the escrow papers tomorrow and that will be that. We are going to clean the house today and do some closure. I can't say I'll miss it and that I'm not glad that it's sold and I can put the whole situation behind me. The Depression ebbs and flows and I have to just go with the Universe on this one as I'm very overwhelmed about everything in my life at this point. My cousin has helped so much. I need help so bad and didn't know where to go. I told her everything and she has done lots of foot work for me for support groups and to focus on tasks. I'll talk to her tomorrow and will follow her lead as she will help with baby steps and that makes me feel better. I've had to cut back on the meds. as it was to much for me to work on. I see the Med. Doc. tomorrow and will let him know. I guess that this is just how it will be and need to have help with the racing thoughts and the moods as I can't find a pattern to them. To many thoughts. Anyway, I'll have access to the internet with a lap top in my room and will be able to check on stuff and check in here.
I guess that no news is good news. I haven't heard that the deal on the house is falling apart. We're going to close on the 23rd. I'm moving on the 14th. I'm doing what I have to do and the Depression has to come along. I'm Forcing my self to not have the bad thoughts. Forcing doesn't really help and it just makes it worse. I don't talk to anyone about all this and I am getting real bad. The house is for the most part empty. I feel alone and deserted. My "X" has been helping with the packing and sorting alittle. I feel left behind. I know that my thoughts are not rational, yet I'm not able to change how they make me feel. I'm going to the Head Doc. today and will just try to look past he Fear and tell him how I feel. I think that maybe there isn't anything we can do together. I could be wrong as we haven't really done anything in the feelings arena. But, it's still not cognitive Behavior Therapy as he does it. I don't know. I just feel like a fool. I have stopped telling my "X" what's going on. He gets just what he needs to know. "I'm fine, a little overwhelmed". Well it's a little more then that. I told my cousin a lot about what is happening and that I'm shut down. She is finding some support for me. I guess that she knows alot of what is going on, I feel so helpless and overwhelmed by everything, home, work, my thoughts. I have alot of have too's and should's but I'm frozen in place. There is so much Fear and all I have is food and being alone to deal with it all. I need to hide or everybody will see what the fool I am and how stupid I am. I'm both. Make the thoughts stop..............
WOW! So much has happened and thank the univerise for Medication. There isn't any part of my life that is not in some state of flux. I'm moving out of my house on the 14th. I'll be moving to a friends house where I'll pay rent. Yes, I offered, and it's ok, but it's not something I'd do. I'd ask for some money to help with the utilities, but I'd not ask for more. It's not that big of a deal. Hopefully it will be for only a couple of months. I don't want to live with him. Work is up in the air. I had a accident the other day and don't know what will happen. I still haven't decided if I want to go back to my old job. I can use my ears as the reason, even if that's not the reason. I just want to live alone and have this all done. I still have to find a place to move to. The house sale seems to be moving along. I still think the other foot has to fall as it's moving along the way it is. Something has to go wrong. I think that I won't have the money that I wanted when all is said and done. I'll come up short and won't be able to afford what I want to live in. There is so much to worry about that I'm just shut down at this point. I've packed all I can and took things to other homes for storage and all is left is renting the truck. The Medication is taking the edge off. I don't care as much when I'm taking this stuff. I cut back to 1/2 pill as I can't work on this stuff. I see the Doc. in a couple of weeks. I don't have much choice in Meds. at this point in time any way and it's just what it is. The Meds. help with the Depression as I don't care much. I plan on dieing from cancer and just have to wait it out I guess. How warped out the thoughts are. With all the change going on you'd think that I'd be making the changes in how I deal with life or think about it. Doesn't look like that is happening. Food, food, and more food. Depressing thoughts and not much else. It's true that you are what you think.
Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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