Permalink 01:51:47 pm, Categories: General, 389 words

I ordered the rubber underlayment today. Within two weeks this part will be done and I'll be able to unpack. Now if this doesn't work, well....I just can't believe that 1/4 inch of rubber under carpet and padding will not be a good sound proofer. I struggle with just letting go and knowing for sure that this will work. Yet, I will not have any options left if it doesn't work. I'll just have to live with what is. Still Rubber, sound...really, it won't help? I just can't think of anything better. So we'll wait and see....

So get this...There is a Man with another agency who I see briefly, a few minutes, on Saturday while we're both working. We've talked very fast as time is not there. He wonders of Life and People, things that I can relate and talk of. Gee, Simonhenry has something to talk about with someone. Anyway, he's realistically attractive and what the Hell...tomorrow will be the last time we'll meet as his work will be different on Sat. I'm going to give him my cell phone # and invite him to coffee to talk of Life and such. Also, I'll let him know I'm not married (I'm wearing my Grandmother's ring) and that I'm Gay and would like to have a conversation about that with him. I made an agreement to myself that I would at least do this and let go of it with not expectations. Although I have used him as a source for my nightly pleasure. The one thing that I'm concerned about is that he might take me up on it. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't have clues that would put him in the position of being like minded. What do I do then as I don't future think. Would I actually do something with him. Not only the bedroom stuff but dating? What? I don't see it and I'm just not in a place of being in a good mind state. I don't think these things through. Anyway, I'm going to do it anyway and whatever happens is fine. I expect that nothing will happen and I can say that I followed through with Simonhenry. That is a good thing.

Just think, maybe I'll be able to call this my Home after all....:)


Permalink 05:54:19 am, Categories: General, 234 words

I finally put it together to get the Rubber underlayment for my Condo. If I would have known how to do this last June, I would have done it already and it would have cost so much less then what is costing now. I won't be able to do the large bedroom as most of my stuff will be in there while they install. I'm not beating myself up about how this all happened. I'm laughing as it was all in the wording about where to send it. Duh! The Hub of the freight co. they are using in my area,DUH! It never crossed my mind and nobody was understanding what I was looking for. The installers will pick it up and bring it here and BAM, I have rubber underlayment. I'm am looking that this will make it so I won't hear her downstairs or at least take away most of it. I find the question, what will I do if it doesn't' work? sound won't travel through rubber as bad. I just know that. I'm keeping the Felt pad and of course the carpet and that other stuff that's down. It has to work, right? I mean sound, rubber. Anyway. If it doesn't help....Anyway, more to write, Jury duty, work problems, yada, yada, yada...I'll writer again tomorrow as I have to have coffee and go to work now. Thanks...


Permalink 05:58:13 pm, Categories: General, 447 words

Wow! I tried to log in the other day and it could not find you. Of course I had Thoughts about it. I kind of looked for another place to write...and had thoughts that I was 86'd because I talk of Men and Horneness. Please. Anyway, I had some issues with my internet and phone and that could of been a part of it. I'm just laughing about most things. I'm very stressed...my eye is red with blood like I broke a blood vessel. I will just wait and see what it does. It doesn't affect my sight. I thought today that I've been unable to really relax in the past 5 yrs. I want to make where I live my Home, but I'm still dealing with the Rubber underlayment. The installer I wanted to use doesn't return phone calls. I've learned a bunch and I am going to call places that I can have the underlayment sent to and they can install. I won't chase this guy....just won't. I "hope", not a good thing for me, is that the Rubber will make a difference and I'll be able to let go and live here. She is not really that loud, we've talked, but I don't need nor want to know about what she is listening to or who is visiting. From outside is fine, not through the floor. Anyway....

I'm trying to fix things. Work is just a mess. I can't undo what is and only time will tell if I'll lose my job. Regardless, I am having a hard time not knowing and buy things is not the healthiest thing to do if I'm not sure. Right? I understand, I just am unable to follow through with life as I don't understand why. there is nothing there and I'm so Fear based that I don't see anything else but Fear. The game plan is to avoid Fear at all costs and that means making short term choices that create long term problems that create more
Fear and self hatred. Around and around...I'm tired. Anyway.....

I'm not sure what to say. I have Juror duty on Friday and it's just for one case. I'm hoping that I'll just not have to participate and can just get this Rubber thing done. I'm very lonely on all levels and see that just getting worse as time goes on. I think with the eye thing that it would be best to get that gun and if I have a stroke or something, I'll still be able to take care of my situation. Short term....I don't want to live, long term, I don't want to live....


Permalink 07:09:17 am, Categories: General, 335 words

i'm waiting for the second sample of rubber underlayment. I like this co. better and I also have the installer. It will weigh 500lbs. and will come as freight on a pallet. I think the installer has a place to ship it to. I'm having all the rooms except the big bedroom as I will be putting everything in there while they install. Also, I have moved into the smaller room as I originally wanted. I don't want to get my hopes up about it, however, this has to work! I need to relax here. I just want this to be my home and let go of all this. If this doesn't work, it will be a dark time that I won't come out of...I saw the Med. Dr. yesterday and just told him what is going on with my head. At least he has some info. It's better this way. I've been really Horny and have been checking out naked, tattoed, hairy men. Just pictures, not movies on the computer. I always like to find someone to use in my Fantasy. Sick. I'm trying to save what I can in case I lose my job. To live with this hanging over me is not good however, I'll be able to retire if needed. I think the HOA is paying for the repairs as I've not gotten a bill for anything yet. I'm not going to the Meeting next week. I'll wait for the next cycle. They only meet twice a yr. I don't care, I don't want to meet anyone. The best relationship with people is no relationship! I'm tired and not moving is taking it's toll on my body, good, bad. I don't want to live but I have to move anyway. I just don't want to. The stress is locking up my body. My neck, arms, legs. I just don't think long term. I just don't want to do anything now. Anyway... I'm just so Scared. This rubber has to work.......


Permalink 05:45:56 am, Categories: General, 183 words

I spoke with the rubber co. about the matting. I just think he was being a sales person, of course it will stop the sound. It doesn't matter as I'm putting the thickest I can down. I have a installer coming this morning, or at least I hope, I'm checking in with him later. I spoke with another one yesterday and he was to call me back, didn't do that. I'm so stressed by this whole mess. I'll be sick if this doesn't work. It's Rubber, it has too. I need to breath and not live in this thinking oh no the music, tv, entertaining folks. I need to have it quiet. The more this goes on the sicker I get about the whole thing. I'll Fix It....It seems that's all I do these days. I'm not sleeping which might not have to do with this situation but that i'm eating badly and not moving. The cat is sitting on me as I try to be at my desk, cute. I just don't want to live anymore. It has to happen soon....

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Their My Thoughts, I Made Them

Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.

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