Permalink 09:03:55 pm, Categories: General, 167 words

I've been looking at men on the computer. I'm getting addicted to it. I ordered some new dvd's also. I guess i'll get a hold of it(?). Anyway. I have the week off and I don't have to leave the house till Sunday to have Family breakfast. Sweet. I'm not sure what to say any more. I've just repeated the same junk for yrs. now. I can see that I'm not healthy and i'm just getting more closed in as time goes on. I'm going to be home for 2 days and in the house, it's not like I'm going out and doing stuff. I'm not going to do much but Dream, design houses, watch tv. I'll get nothing productive done. What kind of life is that. I see that I'm going down. At least I'm conscious of what I'm doing. So, I'll work on my new house and have a Dream and then go to bed and masturbate, it does feel good, and just do nothing tomorrow.


Permalink 07:27:08 am, Categories: General, 373 words

Hello and good day...I have one week to go and I get a week off. Thanksgiving. Fun? I've decided to buy the new car now, well at least sooner then I had planned. It doesn't make sense to keep driving my car as I don't want to put any more money in it. It's a great car and has lots of life left. I just want to make it easier on me to just buy it. I'll be able to get what I want and then I won't have to put money away every pay period towards a new one and can just save. I can get some money for my present car as it's something that will sell fast. Six months of waiting doesn't really make a difference and I won't have to put any money into what I have now. I will have spent a huge amount of money between the condo and it's stuff and then the new car. I won't have much money left. My sister owes me some money that I'll put back as part of this new car purchase. She'll make payments, it's fine. I have a couple of nice sized CD's in the bank and I'll be able to save each month. I have 2 yrs. 11 months left at work. I'm going to make it happen. I just want it all done. I've been in my head about men and sex as what it's boiled down to at this point. I see how it's sick and not healthy. I'm tired. I'm letting go of the neighbor and the noise. I need to de-sensitize myself. I have my noise machine on a timer and I don't have to deal with it. I'll get better. So far she isn't really that bad and I'll be good. I don't want to say I hope so, it just has to be. Anyway....I haven't unpacked and I'm just not doing anything about it. I guess I will when the curtains come. The windows in this place are shot. It also holds moisture I will see how it all works out as I live here. I have my agreement with my self and the commitment to that agreement. I'm following through.


Permalink 06:23:40 am, Categories: General, 164 words

I bought the curtains. This will be the last big ticket item. I redid my budget and made less accounts to feed each payday. Hopefully I'll pay off all this wasted money. Anyway, the curtains will be ready in a month. I'm still playing around with how to place things. This place is a little weird. But, I'll get it arranged. I'm really tired from this whole process I started a year ago. Here I am however. I did spend to much either way as I'll need money for windows and whatever assessments later. I made my budget bigger for that account. So I move on.

I don't know how it will all work, I have 2 yrs. 11 months left to Retirement. I'm just going to do it and maybe it will work out maybe not. I'm having to deal with HOA stuff this morning and we'll see what that costs. It's time for coffee and my Citty to have morning time. I'll write soon.


Permalink 09:14:50 am, Categories: General, 380 words

I went to buy bonds for the kids and it just won't load and it freezes up and I start over opening to the web. Yet everything else works. I hope it's just the bond thing. Even going to the us gov. page it freezes up. Anyway, I called in sick at work last Tuesday. I know that they don't have people to cover for me but it's there issue and I won't use that as a reason to go the times I can't work. I don't do it often and it's just going to be OK. I had one person yesterday come and talk to me about the window coverings and what I want and how much it will cost will be a lot less then I thought. The second person is coming today and I'll see which one will be cheaper. yesterday's would be a 8 week turn around. It's just a long time. Anyway. I'm following the agreement with myself. I'm still considering the Tattoo. I'll see. i'm just not settling down. I'm trying to keep aware of my Thoughts and see them for what they are. I just want to calm down. There is so much to do and I don't want to do anything. I find it's not worth unpacking when I still have the curtains to take in to consideration. They will make the rooms different. Then I don't know were to hang things. I just hate making the choices. I'm tired. It's like I'm forcing myself to make this home when at the end of the day, it just doesn't feel that way as I still have to listen to downstairs. It's not that loud but I just don't like it and I put my attention there and I don't know how to let that go. I tell myself that in time I will as I've done everything and there is nothing else and this is it. I have to hold on the the agreement and follow through. I've thought of when my 15 yrs. is up and I'm going to buy that gun and will take matters into my own hands. I won't stay alive if I start to lose control of my life either physically or mentally. 75 is the cut off. We'll see....


Permalink 11:04:54 am, Categories: General, 482 words

I'm so slow about how my mind processes that I didn't realize till the next day just how "F*&^ed" the carpet install owner really is. He made some bad comment talking to his installer (the cute one) that I over heard. At the time I thought it was funny. My response should have been F*&^ you too and watched very carefully of what they were doing installing. The one installer left for a bit and I guess they spoke again and I'm sure they spoke of doing it the easy way by cutting the rubber and felt. I beat myself up that it was another chance to have what I wanted the way I wanted and I just let myself be walked over. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. I didn't laugh about this thing being me and that it's just that way. I 'm just always coming from a place of Fear. My thoughts and actions are based on it and.....and. So, I was so upset because that meant I'd have to talk to my neighbor, more Fear, about the TV at the very least. I left her a note on Tuesday and we talked. She went down and turned on the TV and came back up. I'm so sensitive to noise. I heard it, she didn't. She said it was as low as it could be or she wouldn't hear it. As we were talking I realized that I didn't hear it either and that maybe most of the sounds are ones that I look for being how my situation has been for the past 5 yrs. So, I'll just see how the rest of the noise goes, I'm letting it all go and moving in and this is my home. Last night was the lowest the TV has been and I don't know if she was trying. I'm back to using the sound machine in the evening or when I know she is home or would be. Oh well...Maybe as time goes by I'll adjust. The curtains are the next big ticket item that I'm just going to do. I'll have "debt" as I'm already in the negative. I'm just going to do this thing and I'll make it my "home" whether I feel that way about it or not. It's keeping me in my agreement with myself. I'm going to make sure I have that gun at some point soon as I will use it as I age if I'm going to lose control of my life due to old age or I hit 75 and I'm still here. Sounds fare enough. Work sucks but I tell myself that I only have 3 yrs. left and I can do that. So for now I have my Fantasy house that I'm working on and a nice young man to use. Thank you.

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Their My Thoughts, I Made Them

Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.

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