Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Hi. How are you? I'm better, sort of...End game is that I'd lied at work last Feb. Yeah, I know...Anyway, I can't explain to much as I don't talk about what I do. It came back on Monday. Didn't look good and I had to continue with the lie at that point. I had to wait for the judgement. I did contact "people" about the situation. Wed. I was going to spill the beans with my supervisor. But she had the paper work that said it was not on me. I still know that it might not be done. I lied, he lied. I'm not seeing how it can continue, however I don't trust this situation as I know what happened. I need to just let it go for now and at least mostly, it is over. I was so freaked out, my thoughts were dire and it went from buying the gun and killing myself to having to figure out how I would live money wise if I were to lose my job. I went to the Retirement site and I'm leaving on 10-01-2017, that's 3 yrs. early. I don't care about the Ins. I just need 3 yrs. to Medicare. I'm just having a hard time with the Fear and how to live with it at this point in my age. It's just getting worse and somehow I need to work through it at work and at home. I'm not moving and I have to be aware that I will have conversations with the woman downstairs, who brought me home make cookies last week. It will be OK as I'll make it that way. I'll get used to some of what it sounds like here. and I see that I'm just have Fear about the when it's going to happen. I hope to at some point be sensitiveness to the situation. Not so Fearful and jumpy about it. I'm very lonely and I know that not unless I change how I see Life, that I'll be alone and on some level Depressed. The truth is that I won't be different and i'll Retire and be alone and mostly in the house. I will get stoned everyday and that's where most of my money will go every month. I do want to Die early and I'll help my Nephew and his family while I wait to go. I'm just so scared and I make it worse with my thoughts. I'm fighting to urge to just not unpack my stuff and make this my home. It just doesn't feel that way and I see that no place will be that for me. My turntable doesn't work and will try to fix it or buy a new one as I will have my music. It's only been almost 3 weeks since I moved here and i'll get it together and will be comfortable because I'm never moving again. Anyway, as always, I'm horny and lonely...that fits....Thanks....
Of course I've been in my thoughts. And of course they are not good. The more I try to have nothing, there is something. The garbage eater doesn't work. I will have it replaced with the facet, do one, do the other. Of course I bought the wrong one and have to take it back. Duh, why didn't look to see what power it was. I'm so in tuned to the downstairs apt. that I look for it. If I just lived here and let it go. It has not been as bad as I think it is, at least so far. It's not everyday, at least so far. I watch so much Sh^& happen out there in the world, I'm sure you see it on the news, it's just gotten so bad and no it's not because it was better when I was younger. I don't see "us" as nice people. I'm not. I'm sure you are and do nice things and help people, I know it's not everybody. But, generally I see really stupid, angry, rude actions. And just to add to the I can't take it anymore, the coffee press broke. WHAT! Tomorrow is cocktail Friday, not that really makes it better, just takes a little away for a little while. Just a side note...What's up with the guy I see on Saturdays? Find out and let me know....
My Mother always answered the phone by saying "I'm Here". Well I'm here. It is nice for the most part. The desk is against the wall not the FP. The furniture I have will work just fine. I'm surprised that as the movers brought the stuff in the Apt. got a little larger. It didn't really, just seems that way. The Cat is upset. I've kept my bedroom open for her the last two nights. Last night she mostly slept with me on the bed. I don't want her to get used to that as the Cats have never slept with me regularly. She is just meowing and is unsettled. Maybe I'll give her a small dose of Meds. The humming is in the bedroom and the bathroom. I'm just trying to see it as just part of the living experience here. It's a constant sound. I'm bummed but came here knowing it. I heard her music the day I moved in. I'm not sure that the carpet and padding I used is making a difference. Again, I did do something. I'm bummed about it, but hey, I did do something and I will also have my music, I won't play it to loud, and if there is something down the road that brings us together to talk about our living experience, it might make it all good. I'm just scared of the not knowing when or how loud. Here we go again....#3. The movers were great just like the last time. I tipped them well. They are nice guys. I haven't decided if I'm going to tip the Apt. folks. I know that it was my thoughts that made me upset about there "pre-inspection" notice in my door. I am going this morning to finish that chapter and give the keys back. Then, for the most part, I have Fixed it. 9 months it took. I came in to this place with my eyes open, I made it what I liked. I will unpack and rearrange as I go. Maybe it will work out.....
The condo is all ready. The Locksmith and Cleaning crew is coming tomorrow. I went by today after work I wanted to check on the last of the paint and get the key from under the mat. I have to say, it turned out really nice. WOW! is more like it. I thought of what I would like and it actually happened for the most part. I could knit pick about some things. But, it is really nice and it's mine, how I want it, cork floors and all. The flip side is that I'm Scared about the noise. The humming wasn't there, however, I now it will something that will be on going. I'm just Scared and I'm Scared of going there. I know I want to see it all differently. The Fear is just so big. I just Feel that I "need to, should" connect with the people that live there and connect with the Woman under me. With all that said....It's come together well. It really turned out nice and I like it, a lot....I want it to be OK. I'm Afraid to have Hope or Faith in the situation because I'll be disappointed and worse devastated if I'm not going to be comfortable living there. I'm sorry, I need this to be. Because after all is said and done, I just want to be alone and have my Houses, and my Fantasy Men and Dream. I need to have somewhere comfortable to Hide. I'll be so Depressed if this doesn't work. I have to look at the situation and know that I did what I could do to make it a Home for Simonhenry. I tried......They tend to end up as I Failed again....That's my life experience of things I try. OK...Next time I write I'll be living there! I'll let you know how the move went....
This took a long time to load(?). Anyway, had a problem with the painter. I had many thoughts about it all. I went over everything and I didn't do anything wrong. I did call and tell him what my thought was. He's just weird. He was pissed and then he wasn't. I did the right thing and I do the walk through today after work. I did see some if it yesterday and it looks great. It's Simonhenry eclectic. It will look nice. I'm still not sure of the furniture placement. I'm also not sure of the noise from downstairs. It's all happening. I'll write once more before I take this apart.
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Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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