Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
I'm so slow about how my mind processes that I didn't realize till the next day just how "F*&^ed" the carpet install owner really is. He made some bad comment talking to his installer (the cute one) that I over heard. At the time I thought it was funny. My response should have been F*&^ you too and watched very carefully of what they were doing installing. The one installer left for a bit and I guess they spoke again and I'm sure they spoke of doing it the easy way by cutting the rubber and felt. I beat myself up that it was another chance to have what I wanted the way I wanted and I just let myself be walked over. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. I didn't laugh about this thing being me and that it's just that way. I 'm just always coming from a place of Fear. My thoughts and actions are based on it and.....and. So, I was so upset because that meant I'd have to talk to my neighbor, more Fear, about the TV at the very least. I left her a note on Tuesday and we talked. She went down and turned on the TV and came back up. I'm so sensitive to noise. I heard it, she didn't. She said it was as low as it could be or she wouldn't hear it. As we were talking I realized that I didn't hear it either and that maybe most of the sounds are ones that I look for being how my situation has been for the past 5 yrs. So, I'll just see how the rest of the noise goes, I'm letting it all go and moving in and this is my home. Last night was the lowest the TV has been and I don't know if she was trying. I'm back to using the sound machine in the evening or when I know she is home or would be. Oh well...Maybe as time goes by I'll adjust. The curtains are the next big ticket item that I'm just going to do. I'll have "debt" as I'm already in the negative. I'm just going to do this thing and I'll make it my "home" whether I feel that way about it or not. It's keeping me in my agreement with myself. I'm going to make sure I have that gun at some point soon as I will use it as I age if I'm going to lose control of my life due to old age or I hit 75 and I'm still here. Sounds fare enough. Work sucks but I tell myself that I only have 3 yrs. left and I can do that. So for now I have my Fantasy house that I'm working on and a nice young man to use. Thank you.
The Rubber underlayment went in yesterday. They did trim a bit of it and the felt to make the carpet tac down. I just think I would have liked it better if they didn't do that. But understand regardless. You can't tell anything was done. They trimmed a couple of doors and only a little paint damage on the closet doors. So.....The TV from downstairs came on. I can still hear it however, it did make a difference. I asked for at least 50% and well with the TV it's more than that. I won't get away not hearing her. I don't know how the Rubber will do with the other noises. I also feel better that I have some separation for me. At this point I need to just move in, make it mine, and just let go. Learn to not look for her noise. I'm so tired...Part if me is disappointed but, I knew that was coming and I'm Afraid of it. My Thoughts are in full swing. I could of said something about how I wanted it in that corner where her TV is. Maybe it was not the right product. Yada, Yada, Yada. I will work it out in my head. However, I was "Hoping" that it would just block downstairs noise. Of course it does make a difference, how could it not? Anyway, it's all done. I can unpack and I can make if "home" as I'm not moving. The window covering is next. That should be the last of the big ticket items and after that I'll have spent tons of money. i've learned a lot and not that I'll do it again, I would have spent less if I could do it over with what I know. I'm just unsettled today. I'm just being Simonhenry.
My Realtor sent me a e-mail the a 2 bed, 2 bath in the complex sold for $170. i'm a bathroom short, but it's nice to see that the money I'm spending would come back. Again, I'm not moving. The other thing is that the carpet guy that went with me to pick up the rubber and came the next day was just HOT. Of course that means little, but it was a nice perk...Just had to say that. My big girl Citty did real well, I drugged her. She's a little out of it today. I did get poopoos and a little peepee and she eat a little. She'll be fine. Tired Tired Tired.
So this Rubber underlayment saga continues. I've learned so much. I have to get a new bill of lading as my name isn't even on the paperwork. I changed installers and I can't change anything with out new paperwork. I spoke with the sales guy this morning and he'll get it all done in the morning as the shipping dept. is closed for the holiday. There will be enough time and I'll be able to release the rubber to my installer tomorrow but i'll have to go down there to do it. It came in close enough to me to make it easier. Wednesday...this part should all be done. The other concern is will it even help. Downstairs has been loud enough to drive me crazy. Is it that she needs to TV to be that loud or am I too noisy myself? Or..am I just to sensitive at this point as it's been yrs. now that I've been listening to neighbors? I think I said before that I'm just going to look for 50% reduction. Anyway.....I have a lot of the apt. taken apart and will do the computer and some of my bedroom tomorrow. I'm so tired of all this and I need to be able to live here. I'm screaming at this point, you just can't hear it through the computer. I need a home, I need to know that I can come home and be comfortable! I can't have the stress of not being able to come home and have some kind of comfort. How loud will it be? Will it be loud? The Fear of being Fearful. I keep up following through with my Fix It game and I'm not sure what i'll do if this doesn't work. I need to unpack. I know I'll have to go down stairs and talk to her. I did once and it's just getting louder. Anyway, enough of that. I'm just on hold....So for the moment I won't just repeat myself about the Men and Houses and Fantasies and such. I'll just let you know after the Rubber is here and I put my computer and stuff together.
I'm home all day today. Pizza and movies. Houses and Men. Don't care. Rubber not here yet which is OK as it won't be installed for another week and after 48 Hrs. I get charged storage fees. The best news is that I don't have to do Jury duty as I was Excused yesterday. Funny thing is that I was let go because I said I would be missing Vacation in question #81. Who thought that as I had all sorts of other thoughts about how to get out. It was freaky there in the court room. Now I have no restrictions about talking about the case, but won't here because I don't know where I am...Anyway. I'm just glad to be done with that. I also have an expectation about how much noise the rubber will get rid of. She is just loud. I am trying to look at 50% so I won't be upset. I can't see that it won't do at least that. I don't want to have Hope as I will unhappy if it doesn't help. The truth is that it's 1/4 inch Rubber and has to do something (?). Food and Fantasy. Have a nice day..
Well at this point I need to not say stuff, not because of what it is about, just that it is and I don't say anything here that will put me anywhere. So, i'm in a position that I find interesting. I've looked at the reasons why not. But today after a couple of beers ( I don't have to work and I'm on a vacation till a week from Saturday, yea!) I looked at the reasons why ! I'm Alone and have nothing in my life. A little distraction would be nice, something to focus on and process would be nice. But.....there is so much that just is not me. I see the healthy and the unhealthy about it in my head. I will try to end it, but will have to move with it anyway.
The Rubber underlayment is coming on the 15th. I'm not sure I said that. I am looking for 50% cut in her noise. If this doesn't happen, I'm not sure in real time what I'll do about it. I will have used way to much money and what would I install? I like it here and I really want to make it "home". If I can't do that......Seriously, it has to do something.
And of course, I really would like to feel a man close to me. OK, I've said enough. I have a great idea for a house and well I guess I have a man to use with it. It's funny how I float from one person to another. I've found that I'm attracted to men I wasn't before. I understand the reasons behind that. It's funny....I'll keep you posted somewhat...Werid, I have to protect Myself here, I've never had to do that......
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Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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