Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Funny thing, I've called 2 electric co. and one Realtor and non have called me back. I think it's the source I got the names from. I'll call 2 more and if I don't hear back, I'll get my money back. Funny thing..I'm not going to feed into my thoughts, I won't. I am selling and I'm finding my forever house and I will relax, I will do this and I don't care what people think at this point. I have a right to do this for myself and if they don't call back, it's there co's. and they lose a customer. It's that simple. I will do this. I did a budget and figured how much money I have to maintain this and it seems to be workable. Anyway, I think I said that. I've done a lot this week and only one thing left before this place is ready to put on the market. I will walk through this. One last push for Simonhenry and I can relax. I'm going to get that tattoo when I'm settled in my new home. A nice gift to me. I called in sick today as I hurt my back, really, and it's nice to just be home. Of course I'm concerned about the kid next door later today. I'm hoping it won't be to bad. I've gained so much weight, I've never weighed this much. Oh well....
Interestingly enough, I'm still finding that I can fix my living situation. I am having the cabinet fixed today. He is the onsite handyman and he will also fix the wood where the cat boxes are when it's time to move. I still need to fix the electrical outlet in the kitchen and the one person I called never called back. I will try the next one. I have looked at a few Realtors and will call one today. It's hard for me to walk through the Fear every time i have to call someone. I can see that I'll get tired and worn down quickly. I'm staying real close to just taking one thing at a time and trying to believe that it will all present itself as it's doing now. I just need to walk each step, right foot, left foot and deal with each challenge separately. I have my eye on the goal. I won't 'keep the faith' or 'trust', however, I can make it happen and "I" can indeed fix this. I'll be able to exhale when it's done. I'm not saying anything about this to anyone till it's up for sale. I will keep in mind that how I see myself, The Fool, is not, maybe, how others will see me in this whole mess. I have concerns about how it will all work with the money and the less I'll put away each month, however I've crunched some numbers and it looks like it will all work even when I retire. I just feel better that I'm doing something, even if I'm still effected by the Apt. next door. I do however have lots to do. I've done a touch. But, when it's actually on the market, I'll have a lot to do. Step up to the plate Simonhenry and get some comfort in your life! The one thing that concerns me, I can't say to much as I don't talk about what I do, but I've gained many pounds. I can fix this to when I can exhale.
I've pushed over the first piece. It would seem that I can indeed sell this place and buy another. I've looked enough to know that it can be fixed. There is lots of things that need to be worked out and I tell myself to just take it as I need to to move to the next step. I have some things to fix and I need to clean. But, I can start looking for Realtors. It's a big part of this process. I've learned from the past 'experiences' and will remember these things as I move on. I am looking for the home that I'll live in for the most part of my life. I'll try to make it with a 15 yr. mortgage and hopefully I'll be able to pay it off early. I am 'banking' on that it will not restrict me to much money wise. I don't really have 'big' plans and I don't really spend money. I think it will be tight. But, I need to do this and I've looked at renting and it's cheaper to just buy. At least I'll know what my monthly payments will be as rents tend to go up more then HOA,taxes,ins. I spoke with my Nephew about all this and he thinks it is the best and that I'm not a Fool. I know what I want and I'll do month to month rent on a apt. till I find the right place. It will cost money, but in the end I'll have a place that I can breath in and unpack. I will listen to my gut and I'm already telling myself that just do what's in front of me and not hurry the process because I want it done. And, I need to walk through the Fear in this whole situation. Remember this Simonhenry!
I'm back. I need to fix this. It will just cost money. I'm not sure I care because at the end of the day, I don't want to live and don't see me living long and what do I need the money for? Again, I'm sorry to those that don't have any thing. I have to do for Simonhenry at this point. I need to live somewhere else. I have learned so much that I won't make the same mistake again and will spend what ever I have to to make it right. It's my last chance for ever. I will get answers to my questions, I'll buck it up and put the energy out to fix this mess. I will have what I've wanted for yrs. now that I know what this life is about, I'm #1 and what ever anyone thinks or that I think they might think, well screw that...I just need to be comfortable. I think that all makes sense.
As a side note....I won't say what I do for work, I will say that I'm out in the world and I feel bad when I speak about my financial situation as I do understand and in some ways have been there myself when I was younger and in some ways it was easier then, then it would be now. I do have this awareness. I've messed things up and I've done my share of 'using' and I believe that I've gotten what I desired up to now in this life. I try, but not enough. I'm sorry.
Happy Thanksgiving(?) to those it matters. I will go to my sister's tomorrow. It will be OK. I have next week off from work and that will make things better. So, It's been a bad time here at the 'ranch'. Last Saturday was a nightmare. I worked 9 1/2 hrs. to come home to the 'child' 'playing' upstairs. It went on for over 2 hrs without stopping. Really! I was just Shit holed. I'm so filled with Fear that I just couldn't deal with it in any way. I'm not going to go over there as I don't know how to deal with them or anybody, anyway, it finally backed off as it does. I was not able to calm down and didn't sleep much. I had to go to work the next morning and was so upset. Before I continue with the living situation tale, My old man cat who weighs a whole 6 lbs. and is not well...I'm so sorry, you have no idea....took a dump in the bathtub just before I went in there that morning. I just couldn't deal... again, I"m so sorry...I have to write it, I grabbed him by the scruf of the neck and threw him down the stairs. I don't ask for forgiveness.. I just couldn't take another thing. He his, well old and sick and just as he's always been only worse. I don't think I hurt him, but I can tell it wasn't a thing that didn't effect him. And I still had 9 1/2 hrs. to work. It was a really bad situation overall. Anyway...I just can't take this place any longer and I had to really look at what the Hell I'm doing at this point living here. Is it Money? Is it that people will think worse thoughts then I think? I needed to look. I did. What this 'blog' allows me to do is write what I really think and Feel(if I have those) about stuff. Well I wrote what I see as the rest of my life if I have to be here. Well, I Eat, Watch TV, I'm alone. What's missing is someplace quiet and of course, not working and getting high. Well Shit....I can have the quiet while I "Wait" to die or retire, which ever comes first. I'll never recover the money that's lost already by buying this place, it's gone. So that's not a reason to stay. Yada, Yada, end game, It will be better to sell and buy with a mortgage then to rent something for ever. I need to do some home work, need to see what's the best way and of course when. The kickker is that I'll be 86ing the money I put in to my differed compensation account that I feed almost $900 a month into. So, please to those of you that read this, if there is people that do, that don't have the income or funds that I do, I'm not rich, but I do have some money in the bank. This is a big part of my basket of income when I'm retired. If I take away from it at this point, it will bring down my income then. What's more inportant? Money or some comfort? The mistake has been made, the Fool has been shown. I'll save and be right back.....
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Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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