09/17/14

Permalink 05:58:13 pm, Categories: General, 447 words

Wow! I tried to log in the other day and it could not find you. Of course I had Thoughts about it. I kind of looked for another place to write...and had thoughts that I was 86'd because I talk of Men and Horneness. Please. Anyway, I had some issues with my internet and phone and that could of been a part of it. I'm just laughing about most things. I'm very stressed...my eye is red with blood like I broke a blood vessel. I will just wait and see what it does. It doesn't affect my sight. I thought today that I've been unable to really relax in the past 5 yrs. I want to make where I live my Home, but I'm still dealing with the Rubber underlayment. The installer I wanted to use doesn't return phone calls. I've learned a bunch and I am going to call places that I can have the underlayment sent to and they can install. I won't chase this guy....just won't. I "hope", not a good thing for me, is that the Rubber will make a difference and I'll be able to let go and live here. She is not really that loud, we've talked, but I don't need nor want to know about what she is listening to or who is visiting. From outside is fine, not through the floor. Anyway....

I'm trying to fix things. Work is just a mess. I can't undo what is and only time will tell if I'll lose my job. Regardless, I am having a hard time not knowing and buy things is not the healthiest thing to do if I'm not sure. Right? I understand, I just am unable to follow through with life as I don't understand why. there is nothing there and I'm so Fear based that I don't see anything else but Fear. The game plan is to avoid Fear at all costs and that means making short term choices that create long term problems that create more
Fear and self hatred. Around and around...I'm tired. Anyway.....

I'm not sure what to say. I have Juror duty on Friday and it's just for one case. I'm hoping that I'll just not have to participate and can just get this Rubber thing done. I'm very lonely on all levels and see that just getting worse as time goes on. I think with the eye thing that it would be best to get that gun and if I have a stroke or something, I'll still be able to take care of my situation. Short term....I don't want to live, long term, I don't want to live....

09/12/14

Permalink 07:09:17 am, Categories: General, 335 words

i'm waiting for the second sample of rubber underlayment. I like this co. better and I also have the installer. It will weigh 500lbs. and will come as freight on a pallet. I think the installer has a place to ship it to. I'm having all the rooms except the big bedroom as I will be putting everything in there while they install. Also, I have moved into the smaller room as I originally wanted. I don't want to get my hopes up about it, however, this has to work! I need to relax here. I just want this to be my home and let go of all this. If this doesn't work, it will be a dark time that I won't come out of...I saw the Med. Dr. yesterday and just told him what is going on with my head. At least he has some info. It's better this way. I've been really Horny and have been checking out naked, tattoed, hairy men. Just pictures, not movies on the computer. I always like to find someone to use in my Fantasy. Sick. I'm trying to save what I can in case I lose my job. To live with this hanging over me is not good however, I'll be able to retire if needed. I think the HOA is paying for the repairs as I've not gotten a bill for anything yet. I'm not going to the Meeting next week. I'll wait for the next cycle. They only meet twice a yr. I don't care, I don't want to meet anyone. The best relationship with people is no relationship! I'm tired and not moving is taking it's toll on my body, good, bad. I don't want to live but I have to move anyway. I just don't want to. The stress is locking up my body. My neck, arms, legs. I just don't think long term. I just don't want to do anything now. Anyway... I'm just so Scared. This rubber has to work.......

09/05/14

Permalink 05:45:56 am, Categories: General, 183 words

I spoke with the rubber co. about the matting. I just think he was being a sales person, of course it will stop the sound. It doesn't matter as I'm putting the thickest I can down. I have a installer coming this morning, or at least I hope, I'm checking in with him later. I spoke with another one yesterday and he was to call me back, didn't do that. I'm so stressed by this whole mess. I'll be sick if this doesn't work. It's Rubber, it has too. I need to breath and not live in this thinking oh no the music, tv, entertaining folks. I need to have it quiet. The more this goes on the sicker I get about the whole thing. I'll Fix It....It seems that's all I do these days. I'm not sleeping which might not have to do with this situation but that i'm eating badly and not moving. The cat is sitting on me as I try to be at my desk, cute. I just don't want to live anymore. It has to happen soon....

09/03/14

Permalink 06:32:37 pm, Categories: General, 385 words

I've had such bad dreams. I have to redo the flooring! I need to put that rubber down. I'll work it out somehow. Somehow....I'll make some phone calls tomorrow. I just need someone to help with the heavy moving of the desk and someone to put the carpet back down. I'll order the rubber and I just do what I need to do. I have to make this my "home" regardless of the stress and self beating I go through. The flooring was a mistake and it just comes down to that I just don't listen to myself when others are talking at me. I know what I want and what is best for me, I just don't hold to it. And now I have to "fix it" as I do in life. I'm 59, you think I would have it down...Yeah...Right. I'll make it right. It's cocktail Friday and I have my music. I like the turntable and I can listen to my albums! It's been a long time. I, of course am concerned that I tell the woman downstairs to turn her music down and I listen to mine. I don't listen to mine at the volume she does. After I have the rubber down I'll be able to just be me, I think. I have Thoughts....I feel so stupid about the flooring and the paint. I really spent so much. The Money just has gone out the door.

I really just want to Die. I'm just so Fear based that I can't do it myself. And, I really don't want to hurt my Nephew. I'm tired of being Scared everyday. I'd be housebound if I didn't work. And, I don't want to work anymore. What kind of life is that? I'm just do Chicken Shit to buy the gun, I'm not to scared to do that, but having a loaded gun on Friday Cocktail night would be not healthy. I just can't live like this..It's getting smaller as I get older. 13 is not 59 and I can't maintain anymore and I don't think long term and I'm screwing myself at the end of the day.........Life is not Disneyland and SuperMan doesn't save the day....It's to late for me to be Saved/Helped....I just need to Die..................

08/29/14

Permalink 07:01:17 am, Categories: General, 553 words

I noticed that I've been writing since January 2007! Oh my! That's many years. And I'm sure if I read all the posts there would be no change in how I Feel or see Life and that I've grown more Ill in my head! It's OK, I've learned a lot and I think I feel better in my illness (!). I've been on vacation this week and see that I'm hiding when I can and that the Fear is keeping me housebound. I bought a new turntable and it's nice. I've listened to some of my music for the first time in yrs. Cool. I have been uncomfortable unpacking and have been forcing myself to least do a little and it's OK to stop. I'm just overwhelmed with how to organize it all. There is not a lot of storage space although it will all work if I use the space I do have well. I think it will be OK in time. The Fear is keeping me from being "at home" here and I see that's because of the past 4 plus yrs. at that horrid townhome. I want to allow myself to be at home and I'm afraid that if I do, something will happen if I let my guard down as I've only been here a month. I don't want to look at how this all came about as signs it's the right choice and place to be. It would be so nice to allow myself to let go. Maybe as time goes by. The woman downstairs brought me cookies. She make them. They were not that good and ended up throwing them away. Still that was a nice thing to do. We had a nice talk last week. I talk to much! But, I understand more of what I'm hearing and we talked about the TV and her music. It made me feel better that I did talk to her and that I wanted to have a good relationship with her. She seems to want that to. She doesn't smile. I guess we all are just weird in the world as people. I'm no different, are you? I didn't think so. I also got to spend time with my Nephew at his second job and I told him of my situation at work. He doesn't come from a Fear place and he has helped me the past yr. or so and just to be able to say stuff to him is a healthy thing for me. He's safe. He is a grounding force, I see that now. I'm still scared of the work thing. But it's not something that will have a time cut off. I'll just go and do it and maybe in time I will just let go if nothing happens. Anyway. I pushed my Retirement up to Oct. 2 2017. It's the date and I'll work out whatever I need to make it happen. If nothing happens till then I'll be OK. I won't be traveling, but didn't plan on all that Retirement crap that people say in TV commercials anyway. If nothing comes back with work next Summer, I'll buy the new car and I'll be ready to stop working. I do have a plan regardless of how sick it may be. I'll be able to get high. Talk soon.....

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Their My Thoughts, I Made Them

Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.

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