Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
It's been nice to just be home. I've been OK with downstairs lady. I just have machines and TV on. She isn't that loud and I'm, maybe, just adjusting to what is the "norm" here. I have to go to my nephew's house for breakfast with my sister will be there also. I've been lost in my Fantasy and designing a house. I have a new theme and it's nice to click into one. I think about unpacking and sorting and getting rid of stuff and maybe putting the Apt. together. I just am fighting with it all. I know that I made a commitment to this. I use the excuse that I'm waiting for the curtains or that the second bedroom is unheated and I'll wait for Spring. Really? I just think "why?". I just don't feel like doing anything. I did clean however.
So here I am saying the same junk again. I'm just not sure what to say. I just bitch about the same stuff and I'm not moving forward or letting go even with the understanding. It always comes down to the Fear. And yet again I'm giving you the same thing again. I'll think of something else.
I've been looking at men on the computer. I'm getting addicted to it. I ordered some new dvd's also. I guess i'll get a hold of it(?). Anyway. I have the week off and I don't have to leave the house till Sunday to have Family breakfast. Sweet. I'm not sure what to say any more. I've just repeated the same junk for yrs. now. I can see that I'm not healthy and i'm just getting more closed in as time goes on. I'm going to be home for 2 days and in the house, it's not like I'm going out and doing stuff. I'm not going to do much but Dream, design houses, watch tv. I'll get nothing productive done. What kind of life is that. I see that I'm going down. At least I'm conscious of what I'm doing. So, I'll work on my new house and have a Dream and then go to bed and masturbate, it does feel good, and just do nothing tomorrow.
Hello and good day...I have one week to go and I get a week off. Thanksgiving. Fun? I've decided to buy the new car now, well at least sooner then I had planned. It doesn't make sense to keep driving my car as I don't want to put any more money in it. It's a great car and has lots of life left. I just want to make it easier on me to just buy it. I'll be able to get what I want and then I won't have to put money away every pay period towards a new one and can just save. I can get some money for my present car as it's something that will sell fast. Six months of waiting doesn't really make a difference and I won't have to put any money into what I have now. I will have spent a huge amount of money between the condo and it's stuff and then the new car. I won't have much money left. My sister owes me some money that I'll put back as part of this new car purchase. She'll make payments, it's fine. I have a couple of nice sized CD's in the bank and I'll be able to save each month. I have 2 yrs. 11 months left at work. I'm going to make it happen. I just want it all done. I've been in my head about men and sex as what it's boiled down to at this point. I see how it's sick and not healthy. I'm tired. I'm letting go of the neighbor and the noise. I need to de-sensitize myself. I have my noise machine on a timer and I don't have to deal with it. I'll get better. So far she isn't really that bad and I'll be good. I don't want to say I hope so, it just has to be. Anyway....I haven't unpacked and I'm just not doing anything about it. I guess I will when the curtains come. The windows in this place are shot. It also holds moisture I will see how it all works out as I live here. I have my agreement with my self and the commitment to that agreement. I'm following through.
I bought the curtains. This will be the last big ticket item. I redid my budget and made less accounts to feed each payday. Hopefully I'll pay off all this wasted money. Anyway, the curtains will be ready in a month. I'm still playing around with how to place things. This place is a little weird. But, I'll get it arranged. I'm really tired from this whole process I started a year ago. Here I am however. I did spend to much either way as I'll need money for windows and whatever assessments later. I made my budget bigger for that account. So I move on.
I don't know how it will all work, I have 2 yrs. 11 months left to Retirement. I'm just going to do it and maybe it will work out maybe not. I'm having to deal with HOA stuff this morning and we'll see what that costs. It's time for coffee and my Citty to have morning time. I'll write soon.
I went to buy bonds for the kids and it just won't load and it freezes up and I start over opening to the web. Yet everything else works. I hope it's just the bond thing. Even going to the us gov. page it freezes up. Anyway, I called in sick at work last Tuesday. I know that they don't have people to cover for me but it's there issue and I won't use that as a reason to go the times I can't work. I don't do it often and it's just going to be OK. I had one person yesterday come and talk to me about the window coverings and what I want and how much it will cost will be a lot less then I thought. The second person is coming today and I'll see which one will be cheaper. yesterday's would be a 8 week turn around. It's just a long time. Anyway. I'm following the agreement with myself. I'm still considering the Tattoo. I'll see. i'm just not settling down. I'm trying to keep aware of my Thoughts and see them for what they are. I just want to calm down. There is so much to do and I don't want to do anything. I find it's not worth unpacking when I still have the curtains to take in to consideration. They will make the rooms different. Then I don't know were to hang things. I just hate making the choices. I'm tired. It's like I'm forcing myself to make this home when at the end of the day, it just doesn't feel that way as I still have to listen to downstairs. It's not that loud but I just don't like it and I put my attention there and I don't know how to let that go. I tell myself that in time I will as I've done everything and there is nothing else and this is it. I have to hold on the the agreement and follow through. I've thought of when my 15 yrs. is up and I'm going to buy that gun and will take matters into my own hands. I won't stay alive if I start to lose control of my life either physically or mentally. 75 is the cut off. We'll see....
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Their My Thoughts, I Made Them
Yes, there just thoughts! Some are irrational(most really). Yes, the thought provokes a feeling. Yes, the feeling provokes a reaction. Change the thought, changes the feeling, changes the reaction! How Simple! Be the "Watcher" of your thoughts. Let them move through your mind. Some say like "puffy white clouds in the Blue sky." Well, what if Self-help books and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy don't cut the mustard? What's left? Hope, Faith..........? It all has to come up and out some how, some way. Even when moving forward goes down and across it's still movement. I have to find my voice somehow.
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