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Premiere of the Inner Mind


A little about me

So, I have never really done a blog before, other than for my AP Environmental Science class (Which I will now refer to as APES for short). We'll see how this one turns out! Feel free to post comments or share your thoughts, ideas, aspirations, or whatever :) I suppose I should start off with a little about myself, as no one reading this knows who I am, or so I hope...

I am a 17 year old, from the USA, and just like the rest of the world, I have problems, and loads of them. This spring, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety, and insomnia. I am taking Lexapro for the depression and anxiety, and currently nothing for the insomnia. In some ways, these diagnoses feel like a life sentence, as I will be on medications for the rest of my life, which could potentially be a really long time. On the other hand, the meds have lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. Not only do I laugh and smile, I actually feel happy for the first time in a long time, and that is something worth living for.

But, as people have told me again and again, I am more than my Dx. I cannot say that I am like most teenage girls... I hate shopping more than anything. I don't wear makeup, why hide the natural beauty... not that I think I am at all attractive. I do have an eating disorder, and I know it, but I am not really willing to get help for it, yet.

My favorite thing to do is play with my animals, they are my life. Right now, I only have 2 dogs, but in the past I have had hamsters (now that is a sad story) to go along with the dogs. I also consider one of my friends horses to be mine, although she really isn't. Smokey, is a rescued racehorse, that I love to death... Toby, my first dog, is a 3 year old cavalier king charles spaniel (for all that don't know what that is...large name, small dog) He is my dog, and I have plans to take him to college with me, but I will get to that a little more in a bit. Thor, is my other dog, she is a golden retriever, and is my brothers dog. Yes, Thor is a female, for all who were wondering.

Lets just say that my family did not have the best of luck with hamsters (such bad luck that I am going to make this a paragraph of its own). My brothers first hamster, Bond, got out of its cage and jumped off my dresser (suicidal?!), breaking its leg in the process. It then lived in our couch for a while until we found him... He died shortly later. My brothers next hamster, Ninja, escaped from the cage, and lived in another couch of ours, where it died. We never did tell my parents what happened to the hamster, and they ended up giving the couch to charity... oops. My other brother had one hamster, Timmy, who eventually just stopped drinking, and died. Now my hamster, Peaches (who ironically hated peaches, but loved every other fruit), kept getting out of the cage, so we tied the door shut, as we were afraid my dog would eat it. The hamster somehow loosened the knot and got stuck half way through the door, crushing all of its ribs in the process... that was a lovely thing to wake up to in the morning. My parents will not get us any more hamsters, I wonder why...

Now for my family (is it weird that I talk about my pets first?)... I live with both of my parents, and my 4 siblings, of which I am the second oldest. I have three brothers, ages 20, 15 and 13, and my sister is 7. I have always been closer to my dad than my mom... My parents both work real long hours, and are almost never around, so we grew up with au-pairs. Our last au-pair left in January, so most of their responsibility has been put on me. That was part of the reason I "cracked" in the spring.

I was hospitalized 3 times in 2 months, each time for 5 day stays. The last time, however, I had to do a 3 week outpatient program with it. That is alot of school to miss! Overall, I ended up missing 22 out of the 45 days that 4th semester of school, but it all turned out okay, I passed all of my classes. Now, however, I really have to work to get my GPA back up, so I can get into a good college. I only have a few months to work on it... I am a senior, and likely should have already applied to colleges.

Some of the colleges I am looking at are Stephens College in Missouri. I like this college because I can bring my dog with me, and he can stay with me in the dorms, that is like a dream come true. Another college is Stevenson College (formerly known as Villa Julie) in Maryland. It is small and close enough to home, yet far enough away. Another is Alma college in Michigan. Once again a small college, but not my favorite. Albion college is my second favorite college. The campus is beautiful! It is another small college, and I can really see myself going there, and it is only 2 or 3 hours from family. The last college is Anna Maria in Massachusetts. Yet another small college, and I would be finished in 2 years with my RN, but I would not be able to walk at my graduation, and I would miss senior week... is it worth it?! Prolly not. I just realized that that list is made up of colleges all in states starting with the letter M... lol

I am sure there is a whole lot more about me, but I am sleepy, so I think I will go to bed now. After all, I have work tomorrow! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job. But you will hear all about that sometime soon :P

Sweet dreams and *huggles* to all,

Alleine :)

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Comment from: Kyle [Visitor] Email
iI read through your story and i found it both sad and heartwarming.Im sorry to hear what happened to your hampsters, i know how much and importance animals are in our lives and its even harder to say goodbye to them.
I think the fact that your able to bring one of dogs(is it toby?) to college is great!:)

well i myself have been hospitalized once and I had abad feeling about it in the beggning but as i stayed there a couple of days i found that everyone was really inviting and just like me

well i hope you feel better soon your in my prays BYE
PermalinkPermalink 09/25/08 @ 14:25

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