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Premiere of the Inner Mind

Archives for: October 2008

10/08/08

So much has happened...

It seems like forever since I have seen that smiling face of Emmy and heard the words "Cheer Up Buttercup!" coming from her always active mouth. As I was looking around the groups on facebook, and as I usually do when I am bored, I landed myself on the "RIP Emily Burke" group. It was six months to the day since she had died, and today marks six months since my first inpatient experience at the hospital. Today is also the one month of another friend of mine dying, this one by suicide. Hell, I am 17, and I have literally had more of my friend die than both of my parents put together.

I can just say that this is not a very good time for me right now, with everything going on. I need a vacation, something to get me away from all of the stress of life. I can't even sit through an entire 90 minute class without freaking stressing over something.

Freaking wonderful. As I am typing this, I am also on AIM, and another of my friends says "mm, idk. i almost did it today"... she almost worked up the courage to kill herself. What would I have done? I don't even want to think about it

10/06/08

It is days like today where I wonder why I even try. Why do I even pretend to be okay? Around others, I laugh and carry on like nothing is wrong in the world, but that is a mask. Remove that mask and you will see a tired, depressed
girl who is just looking for a way out. This poem is one that I wrote... Titled "Being Judged"

She wore her feelings on her wrists
Hidden by sleeves of shame
Afraid to open up to others
Keeping feelings bottled up inside
Being judged
Sleepless nights were the worst
Alone in the dark soundless room
With far to much time to think
About all the wrong in life
Being judged
Friends worried but said not
Keeping out of possible trouble
Pretending nothing changed
Left friendships in pieces
Being judged
A mask she wears around others
Not wanting her true self to show
The poor depressed soul
Afraid of nothing more than
Being judged

I often feel that I have lost sight of who I am from all of this hiding. Do people even know the real me? Better yet, Do I Know the real me? I am so empty all of the time it is hard to tell. This poem is "Who am I?"

Who am I?
Some know me as Carol
Others as Caroline
C, Carolinnen, and C-poo
Are names I go by too
Yet those are just names
Who am I?
There is no easy answer
For i dont know myself
Throughout the years
I have lost touch with myself
And often find myself asking
Who am I?
Am I just another kid,
Who feels alone in this world
Like so many others have?
Or do I mean more
To people than that?
Who am I?
Am I just that shadow
on the wall? Or the
Whisper in the wind?
Do you know me,
Or am I invisible to you?
All i want to know is
Who am I?
I suppose to some
I am that random girl
While to others I am
A great friend, yet
I still wonder
Who am I?
I dont mean to others,
I mean to myself
They tell me self image
Is important, but I
Dont know myself
Who am I?

Alleine

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