So much has happened...
It seems like forever since I have seen that smiling face of Emmy and heard the words "Cheer Up Buttercup!" coming from her always active mouth. As I was looking around the groups on facebook, and as I usually do when I am bored, I landed myself on the "RIP Emily Burke" group. It was six months to the day since she had died, and today marks six months since my first inpatient experience at the hospital. Today is also the one month of another friend of mine dying, this one by suicide. Hell, I am 17, and I have literally had more of my friend die than both of my parents put together.
I can just say that this is not a very good time for me right now, with everything going on. I need a vacation, something to get me away from all of the stress of life. I can't even sit through an entire 90 minute class without freaking stressing over something.
Freaking wonderful. As I am typing this, I am also on AIM, and another of my friends says "mm, idk. i almost did it today"... she almost worked up the courage to kill herself. What would I have done? I don't even want to think about it
It is days like today where I wonder why I even try. Why do I even pretend to be okay? Around others, I laugh and carry on like nothing is wrong in the world, but that is a mask. Remove that mask and you will see a tired, depressed
girl who is just looking for a way out. This poem is one that I wrote... Titled "Being Judged"
She wore her feelings on her wrists
Hidden by sleeves of shame
Afraid to open up to others
Keeping feelings bottled up inside
Sleepless nights were the worst
Alone in the dark soundless room
With far to much time to think
About all the wrong in life
Friends worried but said not
Keeping out of possible trouble
Pretending nothing changed
Left friendships in pieces
A mask she wears around others
Not wanting her true self to show
The poor depressed soul
Afraid of nothing more than
I often feel that I have lost sight of who I am from all of this hiding. Do people even know the real me? Better yet, Do I Know the real me? I am so empty all of the time it is hard to tell. This poem is "Who am I?"
Who am I?
Some know me as Carol
Others as Caroline
C, Carolinnen, and C-poo
Are names I go by too
Yet those are just names
Who am I?
There is no easy answer
For i dont know myself
Throughout the years
I have lost touch with myself
And often find myself asking
Who am I?
Am I just another kid,
Who feels alone in this world
Like so many others have?
Or do I mean more
To people than that?
Who am I?
Am I just that shadow
on the wall? Or the
Whisper in the wind?
Do you know me,
Or am I invisible to you?
All i want to know is
Who am I?
I suppose to some
I am that random girl
While to others I am
A great friend, yet
I still wonder
Who am I?
I dont mean to others,
I mean to myself
They tell me self image
Is important, but I
Dont know myself
Who am I?
It is now 2:17 am here. I woke up around an hour ago from what was possibly the worst nightmare of my life. Waking up crying, shaking and panicky is not my favorite thing, so I will try to calm myself, by writing about this dream.
So, since no one really knows me, I will give you a little background on the people in this story... First is Ben, he is my 15 year old brother. Greg is my 13 year old brother, and the two of them never get along, they are always fighting. Zayna,is my chorus teacher, I have had her for the past 4 years, and we are on a first name basis. She has helped me alot over the past year, as she suffers from depression herself. Mrs. Karen is one of my moms friends, and one of my old neighbors... she watches my little sister after school, so I don't have to worry about her while I am at work. Mrs. Horneman is the crisis counselor at my school. I hate her with an extreme passion, yet I respect her... and I think that is everyone.
Okay... so my dream went something like this...
I was sitting in my room at my computer, much like I am now, and I heard alot of shouting from downstairs between my brothers. It was around 8:30 at night, and I was getting ready for bed. I walked downstairs to tell them to shut up, and out of no where, Ben whips out a knife and flings it at Greg while he has his back turned. The way the knife flew reminds me of how they do it in knife throwing contests where it kinda spins around before hitting the target. Well, anyways, it hit Greg in the back directly between the shoulder blades and he immediately fell to the ground dead... I could not believe that... But I tried calling 911, and the phone wouldn't work... so I tried another and another, until finally, I used my cell phone and got through...
Then, my dream suddenly skipped to me reading my mom's e-mail behind her back. She was emailing Mrs Horneman, telling her about what had happened, and telling her that she was worried I was suicidal again. Then the phone rang, and it was one of my moms friends, and she starting talking to whoever it was...
Suddenly, it was the next day, and I was driving Mrs Karen's truck to school, for whatever reason. As I walked into the school, I started crying, and people were staring at me. I walked into Zayna's classroom, and for some reason, everyone was already there, and was staring at me as I went to my seat. I could see every persons face... Zayna, however, was on the phone with Mrs. Horneman. After she got off the phone, she told me that Horneman wanted to see me... but I didn't go. So, we started singing and what not, and soon enough, Horneman came in, and asked me to come with her. At that point, I blew up at her, and started yelling and crying and suddenly... I woke up.
Went to the psych today... It didn't go to well... I thought she was supposed to help, not make me feel worse... Whatever... I am going to bed.
A little about me
So, I have never really done a blog before, other than for my AP Environmental Science class (Which I will now refer to as APES for short). We'll see how this one turns out! Feel free to post comments or share your thoughts, ideas, aspirations, or whatever :) I suppose I should start off with a little about myself, as no one reading this knows who I am, or so I hope...
I am a 17 year old, from the USA, and just like the rest of the world, I have problems, and loads of them. This spring, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety, and insomnia. I am taking Lexapro for the depression and anxiety, and currently nothing for the insomnia. In some ways, these diagnoses feel like a life sentence, as I will be on medications for the rest of my life, which could potentially be a really long time. On the other hand, the meds have lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. Not only do I laugh and smile, I actually feel happy for the first time in a long time, and that is something worth living for.
But, as people have told me again and again, I am more than my Dx. I cannot say that I am like most teenage girls... I hate shopping more than anything. I don't wear makeup, why hide the natural beauty... not that I think I am at all attractive. I do have an eating disorder, and I know it, but I am not really willing to get help for it, yet.
My favorite thing to do is play with my animals, they are my life. Right now, I only have 2 dogs, but in the past I have had hamsters (now that is a sad story) to go along with the dogs. I also consider one of my friends horses to be mine, although she really isn't. Smokey, is a rescued racehorse, that I love to death... Toby, my first dog, is a 3 year old cavalier king charles spaniel (for all that don't know what that is...large name, small dog) He is my dog, and I have plans to take him to college with me, but I will get to that a little more in a bit. Thor, is my other dog, she is a golden retriever, and is my brothers dog. Yes, Thor is a female, for all who were wondering.
Lets just say that my family did not have the best of luck with hamsters (such bad luck that I am going to make this a paragraph of its own). My brothers first hamster, Bond, got out of its cage and jumped off my dresser (suicidal?!), breaking its leg in the process. It then lived in our couch for a while until we found him... He died shortly later. My brothers next hamster, Ninja, escaped from the cage, and lived in another couch of ours, where it died. We never did tell my parents what happened to the hamster, and they ended up giving the couch to charity... oops. My other brother had one hamster, Timmy, who eventually just stopped drinking, and died. Now my hamster, Peaches (who ironically hated peaches, but loved every other fruit), kept getting out of the cage, so we tied the door shut, as we were afraid my dog would eat it. The hamster somehow loosened the knot and got stuck half way through the door, crushing all of its ribs in the process... that was a lovely thing to wake up to in the morning. My parents will not get us any more hamsters, I wonder why...
Now for my family (is it weird that I talk about my pets first?)... I live with both of my parents, and my 4 siblings, of which I am the second oldest. I have three brothers, ages 20, 15 and 13, and my sister is 7. I have always been closer to my dad than my mom... My parents both work real long hours, and are almost never around, so we grew up with au-pairs. Our last au-pair left in January, so most of their responsibility has been put on me. That was part of the reason I "cracked" in the spring.
I was hospitalized 3 times in 2 months, each time for 5 day stays. The last time, however, I had to do a 3 week outpatient program with it. That is alot of school to miss! Overall, I ended up missing 22 out of the 45 days that 4th semester of school, but it all turned out okay, I passed all of my classes. Now, however, I really have to work to get my GPA back up, so I can get into a good college. I only have a few months to work on it... I am a senior, and likely should have already applied to colleges.
Some of the colleges I am looking at are Stephens College in Missouri. I like this college because I can bring my dog with me, and he can stay with me in the dorms, that is like a dream come true. Another college is Stevenson College (formerly known as Villa Julie) in Maryland. It is small and close enough to home, yet far enough away. Another is Alma college in Michigan. Once again a small college, but not my favorite. Albion college is my second favorite college. The campus is beautiful! It is another small college, and I can really see myself going there, and it is only 2 or 3 hours from family. The last college is Anna Maria in Massachusetts. Yet another small college, and I would be finished in 2 years with my RN, but I would not be able to walk at my graduation, and I would miss senior week... is it worth it?! Prolly not. I just realized that that list is made up of colleges all in states starting with the letter M... lol
I am sure there is a whole lot more about me, but I am sleepy, so I think I will go to bed now. After all, I have work tomorrow! I LOVE LOVE LOVE my job. But you will hear all about that sometime soon :P
Sweet dreams and *huggles* to all,