Attempting the Impossible

A journey in therapy: its ups and downs

17 June 2008

I do not trust my own personality

Written by Depression Blogger ( Contact the author of this post )
Published on June 17th, 2008 @ 01:33:16 pm, using 265 words, 746 views
Categories: General

At an early age I learnt to avoid some of the lurking abuse by trying to be the person my abuser expected me to be. In this way, I was less likely to upset my abuser and life would be slightly more tolerable.

This learnt behavioural trait has extended into some avenues of my adult life. When I talk to some people I adjust my conduct quite dramatically and try to be what I think they want me to be. Ultimately, due to my formative years, I do not trust my own personality. It feels I cannot be liked for just being the person I am. It takes a lot of time before I trust people with my actual, true personality.

-

My therapist asked what I would say as an adult to the small child that suffered – as if I could go back in time and talk to the small, distressed child as the adult I am now. I came up with:

- to give reassurance to the small child
- to ensure the child did not think what was occurring was justified
- to tell the younger me that I am allowed to be myself, and to follow dreams no matter the controversy it might cause

I sometimes see other children that appear to be going through something akin to what I experienced. If only there were a way to help these children from suffering a comparable plight to my own.

-

The alternative approach to therapy I spoke of last week was delayed until my next therapy session. I wait in anticipation of what it might bring.

Comments, Trackbacks, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Jim Email
Hi,

i know what you mean about not being yourself. I have also tried long and hard to be myself around my friends/family..I have found that my real friends do accept me...but it can be hard not to fall back into the same routines....My method has been to essentially intergrate that child within into my personality....to let him take control...to give in to his impulses from time to time...I watched this documentary on channel 4 a while back...its was about a doctor who had suffered from schizophrenia and was now treating people in am un-orthodox way.....in the documentary he was trying to heal another doctor who was suffering from a psychosis...by talking to the other personality he managed to allow her to grieve for her brother who had died when she was young (she had never grieved for him)....the documentary was very interesting especially the end part when the recovered doctor was talking to the camera....she said something quite strange and sarcastic...it was clear to me that her other personality (which was previously causing her trouble) had been intergrated into the whole. This documentary inspired me to take steps to further integrate my hidden self
PermalinkPermalink 19/06/08 @ 17:08

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Attempting the Impossible

Personal recordings, musings and thoughts about therapy for clinical depression and anxiety.


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