17 June 2008
I do not trust my own personality
)Published on June 17th, 2008 @ 01:33:16 pm, using 265 words, 233 views
At an early age I learnt to avoid some of the lurking abuse by trying to be the person my abuser expected me to be. In this way, I was less likely to upset my abuser and life would be slightly more tolerable.
This learnt behavioural trait has extended into some avenues of my adult life. When I talk to some people I adjust my conduct quite dramatically and try to be what I think they want me to be. Ultimately, due to my formative years, I do not trust my own personality. It feels I cannot be liked for just being the person I am. It takes a lot of time before I trust people with my actual, true personality.
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My therapist asked what I would say as an adult to the small child that suffered – as if I could go back in time and talk to the small, distressed child as the adult I am now. I came up with:
- to give reassurance to the small child
- to ensure the child did not think what was occurring was justified
- to tell the younger me that I am allowed to be myself, and to follow dreams no matter the controversy it might cause
I sometimes see other children that appear to be going through something akin to what I experienced. If only there were a way to help these children from suffering a comparable plight to my own.
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The alternative approach to therapy I spoke of last week was delayed until my next therapy session. I wait in anticipation of what it might bring.
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