29 July 2008
Written by Depression Blogger
Published on July 29th, 2008 @ 05:00:44 pm, using 170 words, 2324 views
On the whole, this week was spent consolidating a lot of what I have mentioned in previous entries.
The main point of reprisal was that of how I have adopted my abuser’s voice. Normality was of a barrage of messages telling me how useless and meaningless I was. As I eventually escaped my abuser, it appears that I subconsciously took it upon myself to internally reproduce these messages. I became my own abuser.
As a result of my adopting this self imposed abuse, the natural anger that should rightly be directed at my abuser is in all matter of fact directed at myself.
Those, “You are not good enough,” voices that sing through my head all day long – and the resultant annoyance and anger I feel about myself – must be addressed. This anger needs to be externalised, and in the correct manner.
My therapist has suggested we alternate our sessions between normal talking sessions as per this week’s discourse, and the more hypnotic approached I have mentioned before.
08 July 2008
Written by Depression Blogger
Published on July 8th, 2008 @ 01:58:17 pm, using 467 words, 474 views
This entry follows directly on from my last post. My therapist employed the visualisation/hypnotherapy technique again to restore me to the sunny afternoon and to the child in the garden.
At first the child was not visible. In fact it was quite some time before I saw him. I could feel his presence, but this week he was hiding somewhere deep in the garden rather than playing happily, as was the case the week before. The sun was still shining; all was as it was the previous week, but there was something poisonous in the atmosphere. I did not need any prompting this week to realise that the child was being abused and was suffering.
The therapist asked me what I would like to do. What was I supposed to do to solve this situation? I could not think of any realistic answers. On a purely emotional level I just wanted the house to be gone, the source of the abuse to simply and completely disappear. In my mind’s eye, the house just vanished and all that was left was a dark crater where the house was and where the subsequent abuse had originated.
The child was therefore left alone. We made contact and escaped the garden, following the path that had led me to this sunny, yet unhappy world. As we walked through the forest and then a meadow, the child skipped along beside me, obviously feeling greatly relieved to be getting away from the source of his torment.
I did feel more connected to the child this week – but perhaps not as coupled as the therapist would have liked. I still could not fully identify myself as being that small child.
At the end of our walk through the woods, the therapist asked if I wanted to bring the child back with me. Baffled by how this would work, I said no and ended up having to take the child back to the relative safety of the garden, under the promise I would return as soon as I could.
Once I was back to normality, I quizzed my therapist about how exactly I was meant to bring the child back with me. I joked if he were to sit in the chair next to me. My understanding of the therapist's reply is somewhat hazy.
To bring the child back with me appears to mean to define a clearer line of contact between me and my childhood. In other words, I assume, to develop a more lucid path of communication between my conscious and subconscious mind.
I will find out how this works and its effectiveness in the next therapy session. I will try anything to at least be able to manage this depression and anxiety that blights every day of my current life.