Archives for: February 2008


A Valentine's Lament

A musical interlude, courtesy of Crosby, Stills, and Nash.....


Four and fifty years ago I come in to this land,
Son of a woman and a man who lived in strife.
He was tired of being bored,
And he wasn't into selling door to door,
And he worked like a devil to be more.

A different kind of poverty now upsets me so,
Night after sleepless night I walk the floor and I want to know,
Why am I so alone?
Where is my woman, can I bring her home?
Have I driven her away, is she gone?

Morning comes the sunrise and I'm driven to my bed,
I see that it is empty and there's devils in my head.
I embrace the many colored beast.
I grow weary of the torment, can there be no peace?
And I find myself just wishing that my life would simply cease.


20 years ago today I asked my wife to marry me, and she said yes.


Permalink  .  grok  .  03:47:09 pm .  163 Words .  General  .  Email  .  3893 views . Leave a comment


And now a message from our sponser......

Howdy folks! Ferd here, Ferd Berfle. I am stuck in here with stupid old grok and he's finally wigged out enough to loose control of the ship for a bit, so I thought I'd pop out and say hi. I'm sure he'll be back soon enough, so I'd better talk fast....

I am so sick and tired of hearing that weenie grok crying and the like. It makes things very uncomfortable for us in here. I mean really, the Child In The Corner has not gotten a moment of peace in 10 years. I try to comfort the little guy, but he just vanishes and reappears in another corner, curled up and moaning at a barely audible level. If stupid grok would let me run things we'd be way better off. Just to do as others have done, lie, cheat, take all the advantage available. It's that damn Catholic upbringing I bet. Dominus vobiscum my ass! I am the strong one, why can't I run things for a while?

Heh heh, so there you go, I just wanted to complain in the open air for a bit. I can feel grok coming back so I gotta go, and remember:

Today is the last day of your life so far!

Ferd Berfle, signing off.....

Permalink  .  grok  .  01:59:34 pm .  212 Words .  General  .  Email  .  1185 views . Leave a comment


Two short poems

Two short poems for your perusal. One I wrote yesterday, one I wrote over 30 years ago when I was in highschool. I wonder which is which?


There is no future,
There is no past.
There's only this moment
And it don't last.


I am not

the best
the worst
the last
the first
the most
the least
the civilized
the beast


I am.


These are the only two poems I've ever written that I kind of like.
See you again with another when I'm closing in on 90 years old.

Permalink  .  grok  .  03:52:38 pm .  90 Words .  General  .  Email  .  1154 views . Leave a comment


A Dangerous Mind?

What can be done to reduce the danger in our lives? There are many things outside of our control that we might worry about (and often do). There are also things we could control and yet do not. An example would be my continued smoking even knowing the dangers involved. And then there are the things we think we should be able to control yet somehow can not. It is a specific instance in this last group I wish to discuss today.

Self control is an interesting concept. Sometimes we are successful at it, other times not. It certainly would seem on the surface that deciding what we do, think, believe, and/or behave would be a matter of personal choice. Anyone who has lived for any length of time knows this to be false, it seems we are often ruled by our emotions and gut reactions. My own recent experience seems a good example of just how confusing this all can be. I was chatting with a friend of mine, and we were talking about a possible new relationship she might have with someone she had been interested in for a while. As her supposedly older and wiser friend I tried to get her to take a wait and see approach, have a date or two with the guy before deciding if he's a good guy or not. What I actually did was to remind her how the last guy she admired before getting to know him didn't turn out to be such a nice guy. This stupid reminder seemed to cause her quite a lot of pain, and she now seems less inclined to date the new guy.

Many will say that my friend's reaction to a well intentioned bit of advice is her problem, and indeed it probably is. What strikes me is that I should have been able to see a better way to put my point accross. I have been having a week long bout of generalized depression and have been trying to be self aware enough to not inflict my hurt on others. Okay, mostly I just haven't been talking to anybody, it's not much of a plan but it works. The point is that being aware of how I have been feeling lately should have made me more cautious about how I spoke. The fact is that I wasn't.

So where does all this "dangerous mind" stuff fit in? Well, I have a very segmented personality, each part seems quite independant of the other parts sometimes. There is supposed to be an overarching "me" that ostensibly runs the show, keeping each part in line, but that part seems to have gotten tired and lazy. Since I spend time in depression chatrooms talking with other depressed people, I am concerned for the others I come into contact with. I don't feel the danger is to me, it is to other vulnerable people who may be influenced by the clarity and logic that my darker side seems to have at it's command. And now my own ability to keep that darkness chained and locked in the basement of my soul is suspect. Has that part of me found a subtle way to break through, will it slip in damage to my friends and those I care about? I fear the day that dark side takes over, things would become very dangerous indeed.

(Coming soon: A rebuttal blog from a less rational part of my mind)

Permalink  .  grok  .  01:11:25 pm .  580 Words .  General  .  Email  .  5510 views . Leave a comment