Memoirs of episodes and life challenging goals. Anxiety, paranoia, manic deppression and how it has changed my life. Religion, politics and so on
If I'm going to look back and start blaming people for my illness, it won't help me. I was angry, confused and frustrated with my parents and husband. They had stressful life's and I tried to solve it and couldn't and just broke down. I also blame myself for going into many business ventures. I also blame a women that gave me Bio Engergizer from Freedom. They were suppose to be health products to help me give me energy to work. And that's how I started getting irritable and crying for no reason. My husband said he took the box of health products to the doctor to investigate. I remember him and my brother-inlaw taking me in to see the director of Drugs and Health Kevin Villagomez. Things are coming back to me one time I was in the pshyc ward and only wearing my mom's brown dress, the nurses took me to see Judge Manibusan. I was drugged and couldn't speak. But I heard him asking me Do you understand the allegations that are against you? I didn't speak but that's what comes to mind sometimes and I don't understand why I was taken there in the first place. Maybe that's when I kicked my brother-inlaw in the crotch and threw a our laundry basket at the police. The police are always involve with my committing into the hospital. One time they picked me up on the side of the road next to Bank of Hawaii and took me in. That was the time I was so paranoid about the FBI being after me. I was at the beach one time and a Japanese guy took picture of me and said "police escort" and showed me a picture of a women cop. I didn't understand him... Maybe he was a criminal but I gave him lunch to eat and he left. He didn't seem like a bad guy to me then. I thought he was a tourist. But later on as things started to sink in. My husband dealt with Japanese drug dealers and he said he confessed about it to the FBI.
I was given tranquilizers when I went in for headaches. Then that's when I started hallucinating and couldn't sleep. I went to Guam to see Dr. Chen for help. He inserted some needles in my arms and head and but still I wasn't sleeping and getting manic. Left on the plane to Tinian with a friend and attended a meeting with the Mayor. Afterwards, Tina and I went to a local bar and drank there. She left me in the apartment by myself and later on my husband came with our bestman and we went to a poker game room and he harrassed the owner. Thinking that I was having an affair with him. I didn't even know the guy. But they called the cops on us and we left and went to the beach. The cops were looking for us. That's what I remembered, we left on the plane the next day to Saipan. Sometimes, when I start thinking about all these things, I feel so embarrassed. Sometimes I get angry and ashamed of myself.
Depressed yet hopeful and thankful for things such as my kids being taken care of. Thankful that I'm not psychotic anymore. Thankful that I don't get panic attacks and that me and my husband are getting along today. Because most of the time we are arguing and saying hurtful things to each other. We've been married since July 02, 1988. We love each other but since my illness things have changed. I was angry at first for him and my parents committing me in the mental ward. They didn't know what to do with me because I was uncontrollabe with my moodswings. I was saying things that were not making sense to them and I also was trying to get help with my husbands's drug dealing and didn't know how. Prayers were what helped me. I met a friend and she said she heard that I was ill and she prayed for me.
I went home and got help from a medicine man. He said that my illness starts from my mind then down to my stomache and up again to my throat and once it reach my throat, I will surely die. He said my eyes were moving from side to side. He massaged me and did some verbal healing casting away evil spirits that were making me sick. He gave me some herbs to chew on and said that if I wasn't ill, I won't vomit but if I was, then I will puke. Afterwards I went back to my uncle's home and as soon as I opened the door to get out, I was vomitting. I think he gave me the herbs for 4 days to get everything out of my system.
Mother of 5 children ages 24,20,19,18,and 14. Four daughters and one son. Diagnosed as manic depressive since 1991. Married for 21 years. Graduated 1997 with an AA degree in Business Management emphasis in Sales and Marketing. Was Vice President of GTC PTA. Marketing sales representave for Static Magazine when I was in college.
I had a busy life then. Now that my kids are off to school, I want to write about things that happened to me that keeps coming to mind and as a way to relieve it, I want to share it with you. Hoping that I can be of help in anyway to let you know that there's some people find it therapeutic and healing to write. Why, because you can be misunderstood in so many ways. Having a mental illness and dealing with daily challenges. Living with fear, frustration,depression,anxiety,paranoia and mood swings that can't be explained only misunderstood. I received a book after I came from my vacation with my sisters in Guam which was called "From Panic to Power" by Lucinda Bassett. And that's what led me to follow my dream of writing. What I learned from that book was the "what ifing" thing you do that give you anxiety and seems like your are in a hole and can't get out. The what if I do something wrong, what if I embarrass myself, what if I get lost, and so on. The cycle keeps you closed up and makes your world small. But if you change your negative what if's to possitive ones. Then there's light at the end of the tunnel.
When I was growing up, I had a happy childhood. We played outside for hours with neighboring kids. I wasn't scared to do anything. I spoke my mind and I remember being the leader in the girls team.
Still trying to find myself and try to understand why it happened or what did I do to become like this. So hard somedays because I feel lost and lonely but ashame to admit it to my family. I pray and hope that I don't repeat things that I said or do to hurt my family. My mom is gone now and sometimes I feel her presence. I get depressed thinking about letting her down. I cry, cry for things to change. But I ask myself how can you change the past when it's been done. I only have to forgive myself and try to love other's as I use to. Fear gets a hold of me and try to suppress me anyway it can. Fear of being alone, fear of god, fear of being critized.
I remember when I came out of the psyhc ward in 1991. I called my sister-inlaw to drop me at my brother's house. Then I asked my brother to drop me at the airport because I wanted to go home. I was looking for someone to heal me. A local doctor. I was pregnant with my son that time. My doctors gave me tegretol to take. Anyway, my brother took me to the airport and I got my one way ticket to Pohnpei. I had only $1.00 in my pocket of my jacket. I remember sitting in the plane with some high officials. When we got off the plane there were cameras taking pictures. When the plane stopped over in Chuuk, I received a lei from Father Eizel. I felt so blessed. I thought "god" you are still with me or my guardian angel.
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